Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I hate flexing on twitter but I just finessed a crockpot and a ouija board from my neighbor’s garage sale for only $10 if anyone wants to come over and summon evil spirits while I slow cook vegetable stew for us

2020 is like going to a wedding and finding a cash bar kind of year.

at the grampys, about to anounce who won the grampy award. open envelope. its grandpa!!! you did it congratulations

If your dress suddenly turns into rags at midnight while you’re being driven home by a bunch of mice on a pumpkin, you’re not Cinderella, you’re drunk.

Me handing out pamphlets in front of church: “Have you heard the good news?”

Passer-by: “Sorry. I’m Jewish”

*Me wondering why everyone keeps telling me their religion instead of taking my pamphlet detailing how I finally got laid last night: “That’s cool too, I guess.”

If you let me be president, I will just straight up tell you if aliens exist.

Me: what’s the deal with airplane food

Baby: I don’t know it just tastes better when you make that noise

*Throws up some gang signs*
*stabs self in eye with salad fork*

Hubs: Next time you do the Macarena, put your fork down.

Don’t be fooled by what your kids will eat at someone else’s house.

My mental health is as reliable as a flashlight in a horror film

I have a rare muscle disease that causes my hands to write racist things that I don’t remember later. The Doctor is calling it Ron Palsy

*Steve Carell washes hands*

*Steve Purell*

You see me wildly flailing my arms. Did I:
a) Walk through a spider web?
b) Try to wrap something in Saran wrap?
c) Try to use Scotch tape?

ME: It’s a zoo where we only have two of each animal. I’m calling it Noah’s Park.

BANK MANAGER: Get out!

I can’t remember if I’ve got bacon in my fridge or not. I think I might have a touch of hamnesia.

[eating paste]

Here’s what I think…

It’s a bird, it’s a plane, it’s a chick that’s gone insane

I do believe I’m an Empath. I can always sense when someone I’m attacking is in a bad mood.

I woke up in the middle of the night to find my 4-year old staring me in the face, and then she said, “ mom, I love you, but I’m cancelling swimming lessons.” My life is the worst scary movie ever.

doctor: what seems to be the problem

me: it seems like u should be telling me

I cannot imagine marrying my high school sweetheart, sorry but I’m not growing old with someone who knows what my eyebrows looked like in the early 2000s

<- I’ve been drinking for almost 6 hours. If you see something wash up on shore that looks like this, please identify me.

*watching Goodfellas for the first time* These fellas are morally grey at BEST

My wife’s so square in bed she has cubic hair

How do bananas greet each other?

“Yellow”

I’ll thank you kindly to stop rolling your eyes

*Husband buys me flowers*

Me: Aw sweet, but don’t waste money on things that are going to die.

Him: But you keep buying the cat food.

I will not buy ornamental gourds this year!
I WILL NOT BUY GOURDS!

*buys all the gourds (and a hay bale)

You can always predict what antigay protesters will say. But never how they’ll spell it.

I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something constructive like IS THAT WHAT YOU’RE WEARING?