@thatdutchperson

Director: so, you’ll be playing this regular guy…

Johnny Depp: no thanks.

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@MelvinofYork

I think my daughter is starting to take a dim view of Santa because she’s asking things like “can the elves leave if they want” and “does he help make toys or does he just sit there”

@shariv67

You can blame those “meddling kids” all you want. But let’s face it. Your entire plan was to dress up like a ghost.

@Dawn_M_

[drive thru] I just really need to talk about Buffy the Vampire Slayer and you’re the only one awake.

@BangMyBongo

Hell is where Sarah Palin is president, Taylor Swift is in love with me, and Kim Kardashian names all the children

@Social_Mime

Aquaman is part fish, if you want to kill him just overfeed him.

@FSUSteve

I’m ok with women faking it in bed. I faked everything to get her there.

@shesananteater

My neighbor started mowing his yard at 6am so I opened all my windows and vacuumed because I don’t understand how revenge works.