@thatdutchperson

Director: so, you’ll be playing this regular guy…

Johnny Depp: no thanks.

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@IamJackBoot

The creepy Dyson guy is trying to sell me a bagless dream catcher.

@WilliamAder

Our cat doesn’t like fireworks so we just let her hold sparklers.

@Sickayduh

“Yeah can I have a triple bacon cheeseburger…”

*sees Grim Reaper in passenger seat*

*sigh* “and can you put lettuce and tomato on that?”

@dorsalstream

[while hiking I slip off the edge of a cliff but bend into a boomerang shape and fly precisely back up to my original spot and continue hiking]

@daddydoubts

3yo: can we watch something?

Me: sure what do you want?

3yo: anything but the maps.

@dubstep4dads

“hey dad, when did they outlaw hyperboles?”
“hmm i dont know son, like a bajillion million years ago? idiot”
*cops bust down door*

@Vice_Queen

Using Latin phrases to sound smart is my modus operandi.

@NomDeBenoit

Me: *sets alarm for 7am*
Brain: Sounds important! I’m going to go ahead and wake you up three hours early

@BlindChow

[1st moon landing]
Mission Ctrl: Be sure to say something important & profound
Neil: Ok
*steps onto moon*
Neil: *clears throat* I’m a vegan