“You saw nothing.”
-me, to the neighbor kids about the toy I just shoved in the trash
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stranger: you’re gunna look stupid with all those tattoos when you’re 80
me: listen pal, everyone looks stupid when they’re 80
I got a new vacuum but I can’t vacuum because I don’t want to dirty my new vacuum so yeah I know a thing or two about grown up problems
Anyone: “Hey, I’m close to your house.”
Me: “Get away from it.”
I hate when our cat runs into the room, hisses at an empty chair then runs back out and I end up in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
7 brought me breakfast in bed, which in theory was super sweet, except in reality it was a poptart at 4am.
Welcome to parenting: You didn’t eat any, but you have syrup on you now.
Forgot to tie my bikini top back before I stood up from sunbathing on the beach. Now I know how to get help carrying my chairs to the car.
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles
Left the kids alone in a room with some styrofoam. One just yelled “it’s snowing” and the other started singing jingle bells. What have I done
It was the Bleh of Times,
It was the Meh of Times…
The Friday File.
I’m no longer allowed to keep my car window open at stop lights because of my genius for accurately describing pedestrians.
No parent wants to see their child grow up and join a cult or a cable news political panel.
imagine you’re in a heated argument with a Wiccan and they start lighting candles.
A reenactment of ketchup in the 16th century. So delicious, they were all deemed witches.
[in bed]
HER: talk dirty to me
ME: one time I licked the floor of a subway
HER: I meant-
ME: I use a rat as a loofa
[at hair salon]
Her (holding up mirror): Look good?
Me: Looks great!!![in car two minutes later]
Me (looking in mirror): wtf did she do to my hair
We need a ride home.
“I called a Gruber”
Don’t you mean an Uber?
[villain from 1988 Die Hard arrives in black Prius]
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 85,432 times, you’re a weatherman
I do my best parenting lying down (allowing my kids to sleep in the bed with me so they don’t come in and wake me up at 5 am)
[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah, it’s me, your partner
is the plural of judas judasses or judi
me: “we commemorate the day you died every year”
jesus: “thats nice, what’s the day called?”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
me: “bad friday”
fyi, drug mule does not mean youll be getting stoned and riding around on a donkey… worst first day ever
No tailgaters on the truck loosely hauling porta- potties.
back to work
*scampers over to ice cream truck*
Yes, I’ll take the SpongeBob who looks like he just opened the Ark of the Covenant, please.
Relationship status: my last pickpocket had really gentle hands.
me: meet my invisible gf
friend: u don’t have to settle for that
me: ok but she’s–
friend: i was talking to her
*Husband sneezes loudly
Me: What do we say to Daddy, kids?
Kids, in unison: NO ONE WANTS YOUR GERMS