I thought toddlers were the most energetic, obsessive, and relentless people on earth. And then someone got mad at me on Facebook.
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To All The Boys I’ve Loved Before They Decided I’m A “Good Friend”
[First Day As A Director]
Me: [forgot how to end a scene] *tackles the cameraman*
Pizza places should give away free pizza car air-freshners. Within 5seconds of sitting in your car, you WILL crave pizza.
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
May I borrow a cup of sleep?
Capitalism is making me sad so I’m going to buy myself a little something.
I bought a bathing suit yesterday and the automated voice said “unexpected item in bagging area”.
little known fact: bill nye is short for william new years eve
A penguin is a bird the way a hot dog is a sandwich
Yesterday someone on here said I was more attractive than an actual Prince, and that was a really weird way to discover that my mom had a Twitter account.
I’d just like to share that the Farsi word for ostrich is “shotormorgh” (شترمرغ) which literally translates to “camel-chicken”, and no offense to English, but I think we got this one right.
“You there, yes you, what year is it? Is Kanye West still president?”
There are two rules in life:
1) Never give out all the information.
I don’t know why I would want to “Keep Up” with them…
I don’t even know where Kardashia is.
(geography’s not my strong suit)
If someone stands you up and doesn’t call, stay positive. They could be dead.
[dinner table]
SHARK: i got the promotion
SHARK WIFE: are you lead sharkitect now?
SHARK: *pushes plate away* my career isn’t a joke, Sharon
I’m a gentleman, so I when I see a woman about to open a door, I sprint up and tackle her back, so a man can open it for her.
my fav thing at work is asking “can i have your name?” to customers. they dont understand, thats mine now. i am damian now. not you. you lost that. you gave it to me.
I would walk 500 miles
And I would walk 500 more
Just to be the man who
Walked a thousand miles
To throw up on your door
[god creatig god]
GOD: make him omnipotent & onmipresent
ANGEL: ok…
GOD: and also provide no evidence he exists
ANGEL: ru sure
GOD: trust me
*first day as an insurance salesman*
Customer: Can I get a quote?
Me: Sure! “Hold on tight, spider-monkey” 🥰
Customer: …
Me: …
Customer: …
Me: …Edward Cullen 2008.
Robocop’s guns malfunction.
Robocop gets sued for manslaughter.
Robocop loses his home.
Hobocop.
When the party host collects everyone’s coats and throws them on their bed, I just stay in mine and take a nap among the jackets.
I started my diet 2 hours ago, I’m glad that’s over.
Attractive person: Hi.
Me: Is this some kind of sick joke?
I’m exhausted from imagining a clean house all day.
GAME SHOW HOST: Dave, welcome to Embarrass Yourself For Little To No Gain. Are you ready?
ME: Buddy, I’ve been training my entire life for this.
Me: *petting my cat*
My cat: yes, this is great. Ok stop. I said stop. YOU HAVE VIOLATED THE SACRED TREATY THAT HAS EXISTED BETWEEN MAN AND FELINE FOR A THOUSAND GENERATIONS AND NOW YOUR HAND WILL BE DESTROYED BY MY PAW KNIVES.
Her: I think I’m going to call it a night.
Me, looking out the window: Yea, I mean that’s what it’s called.
The first snow has arrived and now we will see how many don’t know how to drive
My kid spends so much time at the nurse’s office she now has a medical degree.