Dirty cop: yeah I’m in with the scum, but I held my nose and now I’m rolling in it
Clean cop: good god Harold, go take a shower
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If you steal my identity you better believe that it comes with 4 kids.
Co-Worker: You say apparently a lot.
Me: Yes, I know.
CW: It really bothers me.
M: Apparently so.
CW: You don’t care.
M: Apparently not.
*wife sees me crying*
Her: What’s going on?
Me: The kids gave me this
*holds up Dad Is #1 mug*
W: That’s sweet
H: Sweet? They think I’m pee!
Me: I want to travel
Bank account: Where? To work?
Surround yourself with people who want to give you money.
Experts are suggesting you wait until 8th grade to buy your kid a cell phone but I didn’t even have kids back then.
When I was 23, I was doing improv and was afraid to let people in the scene know I was gay. Now, I’m happy to be gay and ashamed to let people know I used to do improv.
The boy is putting whipped cream on the cat. I think he may have overheard a conversation he didn’t understand quite so well.
WRITER: A drifter & a rich lady fall in love
WALT DISNEY: Can they be dogs?
WR: A woman steals a couple’s baby
WD: Can the baby be 101 dogs?
I have a drawer in my kitchen full of sauces that are patiently waiting for the big day that I use them
putting soup in a square tupperware…… it’s just not right. it should be a circle one which is the shape of soup
“gravy is not a beverage.” ok well that’s why I was trying to drink it in the bathroom, so you wouldn’t see me
When someone says “I expected more of you”, I’m always like “well who’s fault is that?”
In my town it’s: Package delivered, here’s a picture of it at someone else’s house
Raise your arms and run through the police crime scene tape like you’re finishing a marathon.
Tried a new flavor from my favorite brand of energy drinks.
It was the 2nd grossest taste I’ve ever had in my mouth.
(No offense, Andrea.)
Just killed a spider IN MY BED!! So if you need me, I’ll be burning down my home and looking for a new place to live.
ME: My name is Nigel and I’m an alcoholic.
AA GROUP: Hi Nigel.*cut to confessional camera*
ME: I’m here to WIN, not to make friends.
My 7yr old fell and I wanted to say “Are you okay? Be careful.” Instead it came out at as “Are you careful?” That answer would be an obvious no.
My therapist after every session
*opens a bag of popcorn at your intervention*
10 year old me preparing to tell my mom at 9pm I need glue and construction paper for my project due tomorrow.
it looks like someone put their IKEA Güsen together wrong
Walked into WalMart and a small child pointed at me and said “what is that thing?”
I don’t know either, kid
Me: When I walk into the room everyone hisses at me
Therapist: How does that make you feel?
Me: Like filling my house with vipers was less awesome than I’d imagined
me: could you fill out an employee satisfaction survey about how well I performed today?
woman holding urn full of ashes:
*panicking* 3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3
I don’t like Tinder. I’m always having to check Urban Dictionary to find out what these 25-30 year olds want to do with me
Birds do it & no one bats an eye. One time I shit on a windshield & suddenly it’s arrests & psych evaluations.