Dirty Dancing is a really upsetting if you imagine it from the POV of Baby’s dad, a cardiologist who just desperately wanted a few weeks of peaceful vacation.
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My mechanic said there were mice in my engine, and boy, if I thought I didn’t understand how cars worked before…
when I’m sound asleep Sunday morning and someone rings the doorbell
I wish other jobs let us solve issues by releasing diss tracks. got some sick rhymes about debbie from accounting and her poorly structured invoicing
I don’t remember my driver’s ed teacher saying anything about merging while a child is playing a recorder in the back seat.
Fact: The human body is 59% water
Fact: Feta cheese is 59% water
Conclusion: The human body is feta cheese
BOSS: I set up a Suggestion Box. Please don’t hesitate to-
ME: [staring directly at boss while slowly stuffing cream cheese bagel into box]
if you shouldn’t go food shopping when you’re hungry then you should definitely not go clothes shopping when you’re naked. trust me on this.
“You have a Master’s degree”, I whisper to myself as I struggle to find the end of a roll of tape.
Her: Sorry I’m late to work. I was talking to my husband and he wouldn’t stop listening.
“YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER” – salt
My dog is in a music video so needless to say he has accomplished more in life than I have.
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Them: what is dumbest thing you have done?
Me: you mean like today?
If a bullet train doesn’t come out of a train gun I don’t want it
Me: So how do you want me to drop you off for your first day of middle school?
11: Just pull up and act cool.
Me: I don’t have to “act” cool, so I got this.
11: Daddy …
Me: Got it. Just be me.
11: DO NOT JUST BE YOU!
I don’t need my father to tell me he’s proud of me, I need Muldoon from Jurassic Park to call me a clever girl when I sneak up on him in a jungle.
My boyfriend says I’m like a robot in bed so I’m basically a sex machine.
Life lesson: do not tile your kitchen floor the same colour as a Cheerio
I never use “a lot” or “too much” butter. I use the right amount. Now, hand me my butter shovel.
McDonald’s Drive thru: Sorry Drive Thru is closed. You can come inside if you want.
Me: Um
McDonald’s: We’re having some technical difficulties and are overwhelmed right now and decided to shut it down.And that’s how I learned about the importance of self care from McDonald’s.
“STOP TELLING ME WHAT TO DO”, I yell to my 5 year old.
Got banned for life from rap battling for repeated use of the word dingus.
Me: Is anyone gonna eat this?
Them: That’s a baby.
Me: *rolling my eyes* that’s why I asked first.
I was hooked on auctions after only going once …going twice
Butt weight. There’s more!
Canada has crack?
Convince neighbours you’re shrinking by walking past their window with progressively larger jars of hellmann’s mayonnaise.
my eco-conscious gang and i do a drive-by shooting from our Smart Car. the recoil from a single shot flips our car, we are arrested easily.
GROUND CONTROL: Major Tom how you doin’ up there?
MAJOR TOM: Floating in a most peculiar way. The stars look very different today…
GROUND CONTROL: *hits mute button* Again with this guy. *releases button* That’s great. How ’bout we run through some flight diagnostics?