Dirty Dancing is a really upsetting if you imagine it from the POV of Baby’s dad, a cardiologist who just desperately wanted a few weeks of peaceful vacation.
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Did my parents think they could just blindly support my choice to wear Capri pants at age 13 without there being any consequences?
Gramps’ head was chopped off by a helicopter blade and same with his dad and his dad before him. So no Rod, you can’t go to helicopter camp.
Partner: I’m breaking up with you
Me: Oh why?
Partner: It’s the only speaking in single letters thing, it’s weird
Me: Oh. I see. OK
“Would you rather eat a pound of bricks or a matter baby?” he asks.
“What’s a matter baby?” I ask.
I’m shown a newborn so dense the fabric of space-time sags in a deep gravity well; objects within the event horizon are drawn inextricably to it.
“Uhhhhhh… The bricks, I guess?”
So Nicolas Cage and John Travolta walk into a bar and the bartender says “hey, why the wrong face?”
WIFE: you forgot to run the dishwasher again, didn’t you?
ME: [drinking milk from a flower vase] no, why?
Drive thru service was invented for those of us who don’t have the energy to look presentable at 6 in the morning but need that coffee.
I’m so sorry dunkin donuts drive thru window worker.
Gonna start saying “that’s what they want you to believe” whenever anyone disagrees with me
men: i like the natural no makeup look
me: that natural look took more makeup than bozo the clown
if the second I text you back, you call me because you know I’m holding my phone, I will call the police.
[at the bar]
Her: My break up has been so hard…nothing could possibly hurt as much as this!
Sticks A Knife In People Steve: Lol
I may toss the cat into my teen’s room when he snoozes his alarm
if he fails to check his pillow for catnip before bed that’s his own fault
God grant me the witchcraft to change the things I cannot accept.
I’m gonna get full size candy bars and hand them out to just one member of each group on Halloween to create division amongst the children
cop: *knocks on my car window*
me: sorry is the music too loud
cop: yes
me: *sets down bagpipes*
[in car]
7: mom, who sings this song?
Me: Pink Floyd*5 minutes later*
7: who sings this one?
Me: still Pink Floyd, buddy
You can’t satisfy me in bed,
you’re not 7 pillows.
Me: I always start eating a bunny by biting the ears clean off.
Her: That’s not unusual – I think most people like to eat chocolate bunnies that way.
Me: Chocolate?
My 2yo was swinging a wooden spoon around and it hit me in the head so I told him “please be gentle with that.” He paused for a minute then started petting the spoon like it was a cat.
The running up the steps scene from Rocky, but it’s a penguin, and it takes four and a half hours.
Pro tip- stick AirTags on your kids before you hit up the corn maze this year and you can drink spiked cider in peace.
“Is it in yet???”
-My ATM, mocking me.
[pulling the casket a few inches away from the wall during a funeral]
sorry just need to plug in my phone for a minute
Not to brag but I can chop an onion without crying
And I can cry without chopping an onion
[Google Search History]
1. Do raccoons like to cuddle?
2. What does rabies smell like?
3. I can’t feel my face.
*does the robot*
*crowd goes wild*
*gets arrested at Sharper Image for having sex with one of their products*
That lamp looks PISSED.
Growing up I really thought piranhas would have been a bigger problem in my life.
QUESTIONS YOU CAN ANSWER BY PEEING ON THINGS:
1. Am I pregnant?
2. Does my boss have a very forgiving nature?
Magician: “Think of a card.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “You are thinking of the.. 3 OF SPADES!”
Me: “I was thinking about a get well soon card.”