Dirty Dancing is a really upsetting if you imagine it from the POV of Baby’s dad, a cardiologist who just desperately wanted a few weeks of peaceful vacation.
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Saw your ex at the shops
I told my toddler grapes were choking hazards so now when she wants grapes she asks for “choking hazards” instead
“Are you ready to apologize to your sister yet?”
me: thanks for letting me work from home
boss: *turns off shower* I meant your home
I didn’t want to use the word “Orwellian” in a tweet until I was confident that I could use it properly, so here goes: Orwellian would be a cool name for a horse.
“Haha! That’s ridic-” Bill started to say, but his words trailed off as an heirloom sprang from behind a tree, sinking its fangs deep into his neck.
In case you wondered how much patience I have for questions today, I just told my 4-year-old the sky is blue because I said so.
“I farms the taters…”
“…and I mashes the taters.”
no of course i don’t laugh at my own jokes. i also cook food i’m allergic to and buy clothes that make me look like shit
doktor: did you get a drug test?
me: nah I know what I’m on
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
My horny ass could NOT have a banana cleaner 😭
Science will never be able to determine the number of sheep in a flock, because no observer can stay awake long enough.
I’m 45 yrs old. I have never turned on a flashlight without making the lightsaber noise
ME: (doing stand up)
GUY IN CROWD: BOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 2: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 3: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 4: what the-
GUY 5: he’s just eating those like Pac-Man
Staring sadly at the empty ice cream bowl that’s too small for licking..
I recently learned that German Chocolate Cake is made with coconuts. Not everyone likes coconuts. Not one person at the party we were at liked that cake I got. Especially not my wife, whose birthday we were celebrating.
Probably the hardest part about being God is deciding between two equally terrible youth soccer teams that have just prayed to win.
Having an Internet girlfriend is easier than having a real girlfriend because I don’t have to suck my gut in.
absolutely convinced that at least half the time when the optometrist flips the lens and says which is better, one or two, there’s no difference and they’re either trying to trick me or see if i can be trusted
ANGEL: so the humans turned out… okay
GOD: my greatest creation
ANGEL: truly your best work
GOD: imma drown em
ANGEL: oh thank god
If this whole existence thing is just a dream, I’d rate it a Rotten Tomatoes 47%: the scenes are haphazardly thrown together, the story drags, the villains are boring and stupid and there’s not enough nudity
That feeling when he says you look angelic but you don’t know if he means you look really pretty or if you have an abnormally high number of eyeballs.
Review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
What if life on Earth is just a video game for gods, and my guy has the crappy controller?
My license has hair and eye color listed as “BRO” and I’m like… 😎 I know right.
Make healthier choices. Steal from Whole Foods.
Me: I want to kiss you everywhere!
Her: You mean New York, Paris & London?
Me: Um, ya that’s what I meant.
[Martian welcoming party]
We’re so excited to welcome our friends from Ear—ok it’s another robot car everybody. Why do they keep doing this
Cyanide smells like almonds, so I keep a bottle of almond extract on me at all times to keep people on their toes.