Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

{after 1st date}
Her: *texts* I left my keys in your car. Locked out. It’s freezing.

Me: *waits 3 days to reply so I don’t look desperate

The FedEx guy said I look like a sexy pirate. I’m not sure if that’s considered sexual harassment or flirting.

You’ve won this round supervisor, but accidentally leave your Ok Cupid profile open one more time and you’ll be a transgender time traveler.

Him: Correct me if I’m wrong.
Me: Oh don’t worry, I will.

Him: Are you crazy crazy, Craigslist crazy, or institutionalize crazy?

Me: Yes

If you’re into audio you’re an Audiophile.

If you love French culture you’re a Francophile.

This is why I can’t get involved with PETA.

Every surgery is exploratory if you have no idea what you’re doing

Them: how does 9am sound?

Me: sounds like you’re dead to me

My smart washer was hacked by the Russians so I couldn’t do laundry today, at least that’s what I’m going to tell her.

*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*

Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.

Russel Crowe is my favorite actor named after a misspelled bird but Ethan Hawke is a close second

Googled my symptoms and turns out I should have taken the cake out the oven 17 minutes ago

Her: when you said “magical in bed” this isn’t exactly what I was exp-
Me: *holds up 8 of hearts* is this your card
Her: *softly* holy shit

My teen looks at me.
Her sweet voice says “are you going to work today?”
But her eyes say “in THAT outfit?”

“I love you but I don’t trust you,” I say to my dog as I put cheese and crackers on the table.

12yo: My friend has 2 tiktok accounts.

Me: One is for her mom to follow and the other is for her friends to follow.

12yo: Kids do that?

Me:

12yo:

Me: No.

bartender asked if i wanted another beer & i said “no thank you, i have to pee soon & don’t like leaving an open beer” so one of the guys said “ain’t nobody gonna drink your beer”

…do men think the reason we don’t leave our drinks unattended is because someone will drink it??

Just slung my bra off & threw it to the other side of the couch where there are already 2 other bras. If my math is right, it’s Wednesday.

I put some doughnuts, ice cream, and snickers bars in my blender for dessert tonight, so yeah-I juice.

Everyone said I couldn’t do poetry because of my dyslexia…

But I’ve already made a vase, a kettle, and a jug. Showed em.

Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see

My friend’s company gave harmonica keychains to the kids at the family holiday party because they apparently want their employees to hate being at home more than they hate being at work.

Haven’t lost a game of chess in twenty years, mainly because I haven’t played in that long or what have you.

1. Ice *check*
2. Ice *check*
3. Baby *calls 911*

– Freezer Inspector –

My mailman is scared of me because I’m always doing handstands on my porch when he comes by and I sometimes chase him around a little

if you prick your finger by accident and suck on it, you become your own blood brother & you have to take care of yourself no matter what

[texting friend]

me: my wife and I had an argument and she just started texting her mom, is that bad

friend: oh man

me: now she’s texting my mom

friend: OH MAN

Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox

Wife: Aw that’s nice

[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich

Whoever is bringing me the 3 dozen donuts each morning, thank you. But could you just leave them on my desk and not in the break room?

I don’t care which way you swing, guy wearing a Tapout t-shirt & Capri pants, but you’ve GOT to make a choice.