Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*Riding around with my Abraham Lincoln clone*

Lincoln: *spots a “Children At Play” sign* WE HAVE TO SAVE THEM

Marriage isn’t for everyone, especially for married people

I threw a dart at a map to pick a vacation spot and shattered the hell out of my phone screen.

Narrator: Here we see the
Me: Here we see the
N:…gazelle in
M: the nature program narrator
N: THE GAZELLE IN ITS
M: WHOSE FOREHEAD VEIN IS

I just finished doing a 30 minute workout – ten minutes looking for my glasses, 15 minutes squeezing into my yoga pants and 5 minutes on the treadmill.

“Can I pet your dog?”
“Sure, but he can be aggressive.”
[He pushes a pamphlet about the dangers of gluten towards me with his nose]

Got kicked out of the karaoke bar last night for getting 3 women pregnant when I sang Careless Whisper.

You don’t scare me, you’re not my kid noticing her sibling got a bigger slice of cake.

No thanks, social media influencers. I prefer making decisions the old-fashioned way: under the influence of alcohol.

“This would be better if there was cake” really does ring true in any situation.

I’ve been barred from the local Mexican restaurant for repeatedly bringing and summoning my waiter with my personal maracas

I’ll never have the opportunity to Say Yes to the Dress, but I’ll Say Yes to the Cookie like, three times a day. Minimum.

it’s may 17. what’s next? may 18? i didn’t sign up for this

BARISTA: Thanks for coming. Enjoy your coffee!

ME: Thanks. You too!

BARISTA: You too? Oh no. Not again.

*pours ninth cup of coffee for the day and drinks it while excitedly sobbing

I’m what the New York Times once referred to as “an acquired taste…like bleach.”

I just binge watched the first five episodes of Unscrupulent last night and it’s easily the best show I’ve ever made up in my mind.

I truly wonder what it sounded like when Medusa washed her hair at night.

I don’t hold a grudge. I need both hands free for the chainsaw.

The big phone companies don’t want you to know that you can get a free call whenever you want by punching a cop.

“No problem at all, the food was delicious in the end, thank you, well worth the wait!”

Translation: I won’t be coming to this restaurant again.

Cauliflower: *ring ring*

Textiflower: *ping*

Wife: Our 5yo sure is acting like a grown-up lately

Me: Really?

5yo: *walks in* I can’t remember what I came in here for

Me: omg

friend: wait, so she really left you because of how you pronounce certain words?

me: yeah, so supposebly I pronounce it “expresso” and it makes her exspecially upset, idk

Gordon Ramsey: Tell us about your dish

Me, a dad: Just eat it because I’m not making anything else

doctor: you fell 5 feet and hit your head. you might have some brain damage

me: did i break my legs?

doctor: it was only 5 feet

me: and they’re ALL broken?!

Wife: an asteroid is on it’s way!

Hubby: Did you order that from Amazon too?

wife: Would you ever want an open marriage?

me *messages every girl in my phone asking if they’d have sex with me* Umm *all respond no* Nah

Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.

Always this one for me forever

first person to peel a carrot: this needs to be slightly smaller