DIRTY HARRY [points gun] Go ahead make my day
*I take him to the zoo & then the park, we have ice cream*
DH: well this has been wonderful
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Not ALL my jumpsuits are for crime fighting. One is for leisure fighting.
Tequila is made from a plant so you could say I’ve been vegan so far this weekend
Me in my 20’s: Gotta steal this grocery cart so I can ride down a hill wasted
Me in my 30’s: Gotta steal one of these nice hotel hangers that also hold slacks
in dinosaur culture it’s actually really insensitive to wish upon a falling star
*live news report
– You survived a fall of thousands of feet…
– Yes.
– Parachute failed?
– Parachute? Haha. No. It was raining centipedes.
*Learns sign language to keep arguing with boyfriend while giving the silent treatment*
Want to know what it’s like to have kids?
1. Gather everything you own.
2. Throw it all on the floor.
3. Pick it up.
4. Repeat for infinity.
[on a first date]
Me: So do you like puppies?
Her: Oh I love them
Me: Ok, so we’ll both have the puppies
Waiter: Excellent choice, sir
Remember when our biggest fear in 2019 was lettuce?
person: calm down
me: *calm immediately goes up*
[calling my sister while babysitting her 3-year-old] should he be using the oven
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
[after dinner]
Me: I can’t eat another bite.
Also me: *whimsically eats entire spongebob ice cream cake*
[work email]
Me: Can I meat the new guy?
Boss: Meet? Okay, sure…
Me: Great!*hides bag of steaks*
Everyone has beautiful pics posted. Where are the losers? I’m leaving.
Got a rash on my face in the shape of a roadrunner. I think I might have acme.
Medusa’s hair is made of snakes. Does the carpet match the drapes?
I hate when I accidentally say “I love you” instead of “I’m biologically driven to want to reproduce with you & I’m temporarily delusional”
Mom. Dad. I like my coffee like I like my women. I don’t like coffee. I’m gay.
Alas, my disappointment when I walked into Banana Republic and wasn’t greeted by Chancellor Banana Bananason
[grocery store, frozen aisle]
Me: *inhales, stretches arms high*
OmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmClerk: ma’am are you doing yoga?
Me: oh no, I’m just trying to reach dinner peas
Me: Nice new car, boss
Boss: Well, if you set yourself targets, work hard, stay focused, next year I’ll be able to buy an even better one
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m a family of 8.
I should run for public office just to see the scandalous dirt they dig up on me. I would really like to piece together my twenties.
I’m sorry but I CANNOT believe that the verified Nickelodeon TikTok posted this
Pro tip: when you have a drug test and they tell you to go to the bathroom in the cup, that means PEE. Always.
I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with air horns that sound like Seth Rogan’s laugh.
Call me crazy but “dropping the ball” does not sound like a good way to start off a new year.
My doctor just finished my physical and then crossed out “organ donor” from my driver‘s license?