DIRTY HARRY [points gun] Go ahead make my day
*I take him to the zoo & then the park, we have ice cream*
DH: well this has been wonderful
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{Me as a therapist}
HIM: Women don’t like me.
ME: Have you tried becoming a dress with pockets?
*ring ring* Hello?
“If u want to see ur son again give me $500,000”
OH GOD PLEASE DONT HURT HIM
“I won’t if u-”
Haha gotcha, leave a message
I invited Alan over for dinner.
“Alan Jacobs? Or Alan who thinks he’s Captain America?”
*a badly painted bin lid smashes through the window*
Werewolves, vampires, and zombies are always so hungry-desperate to bite people and turn them into companions.
Shout-out to witches for being cool about that shit.
Pro Tip: You can slap anybody, as hard as you want, as long as you yell “spider” first. They may even thank you.
Just been to the gym and there’s a new machine. Only used it for an hour, as I started to feel sick. It’s good though. It does everything: Kit-Kats, Mars Bars, Snickers, etc.
did you know that before the crowbar was invented,
crows used to drink at home….
Feeling low? Ask a toddler to say hippopopimas… no wait hippoppotimis… you what forget it.
Why should you never brush your teeth with your left hand?
Because a toothbrush works better.
I see dead people.
Well technically they’re stupid people, but give me a few minutes.
ME: I’m gonna kick the shit out of you
PATIENT: are you even a real proctologist
I have so much to offer this world but I am so far behind on my shows.
No matter how busy my Sunday gets, I always manage to set aside time to panic about Monday.
What kind of educational background do you need to have to work at the gas station that directs teens to their deaths in a horror movie?
Vegan pizza…. is basically
just the box.
A guy with a sense of humor that matches mine will always get my attention.
Boy, did The Shining nail what it’s like being an only child.
who called it hell and not heaven’t
Maybe if y’all stopped complaining about Mondays and speaking the negativity into existence, your Mondays wouldn’t be so bad
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Hate it when I put on active wear and nothing happens.
Me: I have an imaginary gf.
Therapist: U can do better than that.
M: I know, it’s just–
T: I was talking to her.
fridge ice dispenser: *10 minutes of grumbling sounds* fine you can have ONE!
if you’ve ever been worried about pitching something crazy at your job, imagine being the person who suggested taking temperatures rectally
Can’t find your children? Try turning off the wifi. They appear suddenly.
They say to avoid things that excite you when it’s time to sleep, but what’s more exciting than getting to sleep?
Them: you’re 30 and still living with your parents!?!
Me, visibly perplexed: WHO’S PARENTS AM I SUPPOSED TO LIVE WITH THEN!!?!
Been getting harassed by motion activated Halloween decorations all day. Pray for delivery drivers everyone
We have one rule in this house and one rule only: nothing too lifelike that will scare you when you walk into a dark room.
“How much ice does it take to preserve a dead body?”
*I ask on twitter because googling it gets people caught.