Dis earing letters?
There’s an ‘app’ for that.
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I just bought a dozen donuts if anyone’s looking for a sugar mama.
you ok? you’ve barely touched your crocissant
you can lead a squid to water but you can’t make it ink
SONOFA
I’m working out again in hopes that I can wear my superhero shirt in public without someone saying, “Batman really let himself go”.
Sometimes I just sit and admire the gray in my husband’s beard, how distinguished it’s becoming, and think “I DID THAT”
lawyer: your husband said he wanted his body to be embalmed like an egyptian mummy
me: yes, I’ve abided by his wishes
lawyer: he meant for you to do it after he died
like a moth to a flame or a human to a refrigerator light bulb.
*calls male escort service*
Whispers “How much for… you know… someone to go to Red Lobster with me.”
Oh wow Linda the pizza here “isn’t even close” to what you had studying abroad in Rome? The pizza at this airport Sbarro’s isn’t doing it for you? I am shocked
I watched The First Omen last night and I spent most of it hiding behind the sofa. I didn’t want my neighbour to see me in her living room.
90% of owning a dog is telling it to stop barking.
Can I buy you a drink?
“I don’t drink.”
*panics* Oh. Um…well, here’s $12.
Well, Well, Well if it isn’t the words I was told I would eat one day.
Just saw a toddler running past my house waving a red flag with their mom chasing after them and I’ve never seen a more accurate depiction of parenthood.
A hug and slap are both powerful but not everyone deserves a hug.
Led Zeppelin: And she’s buying a stairway to Heaven…when she gets-
My wife: HOLD ON I HAVE A COUPON
My husband thinks he can just order me around like he’s one of the cats.
[swimming]
friend: shark!
me: relax, you’re more likely to be killed by a bus than killed than by a shark
shark: *driving out of control bus into the ocean*
me: well I’ll be damned
Me, to a perfectly white puppy: please try to stay clean
Him, 5 min later, having tried his best:
Ok gas pump, enough! Credit or debit? Zip code? Reward Card? Car Wash? Receipt? What octane? It takes less buttons to launch a nuke!
The imaginary line that separates North and South in the US is determined by the amount of sugar in an iced tea
Three men from my past have reappeared in the last few weeks to remind me how much I hate odd numbers.
ME: you really put the cute in executione-
WARDEN: alright hit the switch
Stan was confident he was no longer able to make quick getaways because the holes were now smaller.
perfect
When the girl working the counter says “would you like fries with that?” say..”are you calling me fat??” then burst into tears. Free meal.
Me: the cords are tangled.
Brain: pull at them.
Me: shouldn’t I just untangle them?
Brain: pull at them violently.
First date idea: We go magnet fishing for that cool knife I threw off the bridge because I thought the cops were after me.