Dis earing letters?
There’s an ‘app’ for that.
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Why did Shrek go with Smashmouth’s All-Star and not Roxette’s “It Must’ve Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now)”
Baby rabbits🐰 look like wise old Kung Fu masters.
I peeled 5 pounds of potatoes. That’s 14 newton-meters for the Europeans
We were never supposed to have this much access to stupid people’s thoughts, beliefs, and opinions.
“it’s my expert opinion we need to remove all your bones”
wait you’re not my doctor
*a bunch of dogs fall out of the lab coat and run away*
Filming my own version of “Taken” using cats. My cat will play Liam Neeson and the red dot from a laser pointer is his daughter.
I say “Andrea” you say “Aun-dray-uh” and that’s why nobody likes you, Andrea.
Interviewer : what’s your five year plan?
Me: Well after I start work, I might settle down, I’d like to get married somed-
[interviewer rips off his mask to reveal my mom] WHEN CAN I MEET HER
[ten seconds into tv interview where my identity is being protected]
camera guy: don’t try to disguise your own voice, let the machine do it
Me: “Gee Thanks for spilling Cheerios all over the floor.”
3yo: “You’re welcome Mom, look at this!”*scatters more on floor
I deserve that.
*Goes to Nirvana themed
“Come as you are” Party**Gets arrested for indecent exposure*
A guy asked my kiddos if they were on Santa’s naughty list or his good list. They both said good, but as soon as we got in the car, 4 was worried and asked “sooooo…how good do you have to be, to be on the good list?”
That seems sus.
I’ve counted 8 people so far whose New Years resolutions include “loose weight”. Can I add spelling to your list too?
Piglet: *sees recipe book* Honey-glazed…Pooh, what’s ham?
WinniethePooh: A food that goes well with honey. Now, how about a nice hot bath?
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the
courage to change the things I can,
and a really big sandwich. Big ol’ sandwich
[White House]
Any ideas on how to defeat ISIS?
*Biden excitedly raises hand*
Besides assembling the Avengers.
*Biden dejectedly lowers hand*
Not to brag, but I don’t need an excuse like being a wealthy CEO or corporate greed to have people wanting to murder me
“Pyromaniac” puts it strongly. I enjoy starting fires. It’s not my whole deal.
I have 12 days until I have to change my password at work and can’tuse any of the last 15 passwords I have used, long story short, I’m going to need a new job.
Sorry, ma’am. I’m a solid 4 1/2. You’re an 8. You’re out of my league.
If I know one thing for sure it’s that nobody has ever looked back on their life and wished they’d eaten more celery.
Chinese takeaway – £17
Delivery charge – £1
Realising the idiots have forgot one of your containers – Riceless
I don’t know how he put it in from that angle, but I liked it.
-me watching hockey
I stand right next to the “God Hates Fags” guy with a sign that says “Please Ignore My Ex-Boyfriend”
Tonight I realized when I’m on video calls I bite my bottom lip like I’m trying to awkwardly seduce everyone on the call. Why am I like this
I’ve tried to be a people person, but people ruin the experience.
As always, Wile E. Coyote’s plan had unexpected consequences.
Nothing makes me worry more than the kids saying “Don’t worry, we cleaned it up”
Me: Honey if you ever murder me please do it in a cool way so we get our own Dateline special
Husband: Deal
[ER]
HIPSTER: I fell off my acoustic motorcycle & broke my mustache twirler.
DOC:…
H: I fell off my bike & broke my hand.
D: Rub kale on it.