Dis earing letters?
There’s an ‘app’ for that.
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Me, as an undergrad, just starting upper level courses: THERE IS A PROFOUNDLY BEAUTIFUL REASON FOR ALL LAWS OF PHYSICS
Me, as a perpetual graduate student: Light goes that fast because it wants to
Family vacation is when you listen to your kids cry someplace expensive.
I went on a walk today through a hiking trail. And I can’t be certain, but I think nature touched me. It was gross.
If you walk in on a girl giving birth in the bathroom at Applebees, don’t judge her, you’re also eating at Applebees.
So your kid can speak 3 languages?
That’s great. Mine can speak lizard.
*For those who believe everything they see on social media, kindly watch this.*(👆)
I read that peacocks “are obsessed with food and can become extremely aggressive when you dangle french fries in front of them”.
See you all later. I’m moving in with my new family now.
*leans forward*
*leans back*
*leans forward*
*leans back*
Husband: Can’t find your reading glasses again?
Me: No, I’m doing micro crunches!
Guess who’s going to finally get their shit together in 2022?
Not me. But God speed, whoever you are.
this november isn’t novembering the way previous novembers, novembered.
Girlfriend scrolled my search history, has LOTS of questions about the Lindbergh kidnapping. That makes two of us.
The strangest thing happened. A coworker who always says, “Living the dream” was mysteriously stabbed 37 times in the neck with my car keys.
imagine being one of those monkeys climbing a tree after living in a cage, bet it blew their little monkey minds
cat: *plays fiddle*
cow: *jumps over moon*
dishes: *run away*
farmer: *sets down bong*
If you want your friends to stop asking you to work out with them, go once. Show up in leather. Bring your workout cake.
every single time
murderer: I can see your feet poking out from under your race car bed
me: just changing the oil
My new body spray is called Decaying Corpse
It’s from Bed Bath & Beyond the Grave.
1:5 people in the world are Chinese. My family has 5 people so its either my mom, dad, brother Colin or Ho-Chan-Chu. I think it’s Colin
I think my invisible friend ate the last tin of cookies and drank all of the whiskey last evening and boy is she in trouble.
Relationship status: I’m about to go put on my camouflage pants so my family can’t find me on the couch.
introverts be like “i know a place” then they go home
You know you’ve leveled up after quarantine when your kid’s friends hear your fire alarm blaring through their headsets and say, “it’s ok, his mom’s just making dinner.”
5: let’s play the quiet game.
Me: okay
5: ready..? Start.
Me:
5:
Me:
5: whoever talks first is the loser.
It’s just a matter of time before they add the word “Syndrome” after my last name.
Me: SPIDER!
Brain: Nope, fluff.
Me: SPIDER!
Brain: That is a fly.
Me: SPIDER!!!
Brain: sigh. That’s your hand idiot.
It’s always “you’re so cute when you’re mad,” until the house is on fire.
I should have peed before I left and other things I’ll never learn: A memoir
the prime minister is a minister that is not divisible by any other minister
Her: I need advice.
Me: (eating cookie dough for breakfast) You came to the right person.