Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Confuse a restaurant manager today by telling her how good the service was.

My 4yo saw a squirrel eating an apple and asked if he could eat an apple. So now I’m feeding the squirrel organic carrots and broccoli.

If the emoji I wanna text is not in the “recently used,” you may have to wait 3 days till I find it.

Whoever named snakes did a great job. Those things are definitely snakes.

5 days of cooking sausages lol I love this story

I’d argue, but it’s like talking to a wall.

is this a warning or an offer?

What the kids in the Etch A Sketch commercials could draw:
mountains, murals and beautiful landscapes

What I could draw:
damaged stairs

Me, dating.

Him: Hi Wendy. I’m really excited to find out all about you.

Me: Why? Who have you been talking to?

Americans will literally use anything BUT the metric system.

[at the pearly gates]

I said, “send me a selfie.”
Then she said, “too ugly today.”
So I said, “never stopped you before”
…& here I am.

“Don’t you people have jobs?” — Me yelling at everyone for driving around on a Tuesday afternoon while I’m driving around on a Tuesday afternoon.

I accidentally used my son’s body wash, now I hate jackets and just called my mom bruh

Satanic ritual canceled. The goats keeps eating the sacred parchment paper.

Although Paul Simon doesn’t specifically list it in the song, one of the 50 ways to leave your lover is murder.

Boss: Ur fired
Me: Why?
[his phone rings & I instinctively drop-kick it out a window]
B: That
Me: My powers?
B: Call it what u want, but yes

Void?
Y E S F R I E N D
Can you answer a question?
Y E S
What’s the meaning of life?
L O O K B E H I N D Y O U
There’s nothing there.

Oh.

No, Store Security Guy, I’m not stealing anything
I just don’t know how to be in public anymore

My husband & I finally have an afternoon away from the kids. And then our son texts the family group chat:

“So do we have super glue?”

turtle after a first date: want to walk me home well this is me

Wife: I’m leaving you

Me: is it because I won’t stop quoting Spice Girls lyrics?

Wife:

Me: please, just tell me what you want what you really really want

I was actually unaware there is a global crisis occurring, I’ve been in quarantine the last two weeks because of an unfortunate haircut

[about to stay the night at a friend’s house]

Friend: The shower controls are tricky. First, you pull the big handle toward you, then you turn it counter-clockwise to the two o’clock position. Next, you turn the small handle clockwise until—

Me: I’ll just stay in a hotel.

If I sold everything I own I could probably take that $137 and get a fresh start somewhere.

I saw my shadow today. You won’t see that on the evening news because I’m not a stupid fuzzy animal

“You’re not so tough now, are you, Batman?”

~ Drunk guy who punched a nun.

Changing my voicemail to “Please don’t call me, I don’t use my phone for that”

Lawyer: so tell me, why was my client’s mouth bleeding?
Dentist: he doesn’t floss
Me: You hit me!
D: [puts lips on mic] bc you don’t floss

Sorry I’m late. My dog ate my car.

I just want to live in a world where every slice of bacon is perfectly fried, beer flows freely from the kitchen tap, pandemics are a thing of the past…

… and that world peace thing.