Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Too many catfish out there. Verify your identity by posting yourself holding a spoon. I’ll go first

Amy Winehouse’s final album was “recorded before her death.” Thanks for the clarification.

Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy

What I say: I’m on a diet. What my mom hears: please cook delicious food and buy chocolate.

He was a sperm,
she was an egg
can i make it anymore ovulous

me: [tied to a chair] i’ll never talk

terrorist: we’re gonna make you step in wet

me: what

terrorist: with sock

me: no

I have Facebook like reflexes.

“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”

*throws a book and hits you right in the face*

Hey, which Instagram filter takes out all the insecurities?

This girl just said, “You know that feeling you get when you really really like someone?” and I was all like, “Nope.” and walked away.

Kmart is closing 108 stores putting 16 cashiers out of work.

You legally aren’t married until someone says, “haha but seriously” in their wedding speech.

For the second year in a row, work colleagues have failed to get me a birthday present or card. So, for the next 12 months, I’ll continue to take £5 out of each of their birthday collections as their backdated present to me. Cheers guys.

While never officially canonized by a Pope, Saint Patrick is widely recognized as the patron saint of Slytherin.

Sharing a bed should be like boxing:
• meet in middle
• fist-bump
• put in mouthguards
• go to separate corners
• no touching until 1st bell

Amazon Review: Ghost costume

⭐☆☆☆☆
Do Not Recommend

Poorly constructed sheet blew away when industrial fan was turned on. I would have gotten away with it if it weren’t for those meddling kids.

Pete Davidson would have stole Helen Of Troy from both those mfs.

Now that I’m in charge of Santa’s milk and cookies, it’s payback time for that Barbie townhouse I never got.

The Internet is like my My Brain – filled with shopping and porn

God: is it done?
Noah: yea
God: whats this
Noah, proudly: a swing set
God: you built a park. I asked for an ark
Noah: a what?
God: a boat
Noah: say boat then

Jesus: this is my body

disciples: *eat bread*

Jesus: this is my blood

disciples: *drink wine*

Jesus: I also made brownies

Judas: but I have diabetes

Jesus: huh. Well, isn’t this a shame *holds eye contact while eating a brownie* shame, shame, shame

autocorrect: Dan!

me: No no, autocorrect, this is my DAD, we know him.

autocorrect: *growling* Dan.

me: *spritzing my phone with water* NO

Even though it means he’s a serial killer, it’s nice when a guy has piercing blue eyes.

this town’s getting on my nerves, gonna blow off some steam by doing a dance routine at the abandoned warehouse

Him: I’m over the moon

Werewolf doctor: you’re cured

*slides a cheese slice with my number written on it in your pocket*

Can’t decide if I want to join a cult or a woodchipper.

inventing words: clothing

I got arrested for downloading the whole Wikipedia website.

I told the detective, “Wait! I can explain everything!”

My dogs are always 100% by my side, unless my kids are eating food in their rooms, which they are not to do. So, whenever I am sans dogs, I yell, “Get the food outta your room!”

Just heard my 10 y/o say to his Fortnite buds, “Omg you guys, I think my mom’s a witch!”

Success😎

A homeless man asked me for money. I had 10 dollars in my pocket and didn’t want it wasted on alcohol so I gave it to him.