Disappointed it’s raining this weekend
Was totally going to do that job I’ve been putting off for 6 months
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Sometimes you’re Godzilla, sometimes you’re Tokyo
4-year-old: *looks at our pig* Which pig is she?
Me: What do you mean?
4: Is her house made of bricks or sticks?
Imagine if we discovered another ocean. I hope we name it Billy
So excited! I’m taking an online grammar class. No more typos for me.
Nolege is power biches!
People always throwing cursed objects into the sea hello, no that is how you get haunted sharks
No one helped Cinderella when she hallucinated and talked to rats, cause people are garbage smh
I think this should do it.
Remember when you bury a body in your backyard be sure to cover it with endangered plant or tree so they can’t dig it up. Follow me for more helpful tips 👍🏻
[Jack Black’s birthday]
Oh wow..ANOTHER rock polisher, thanks grandma.
“How is Rock School going dear?”
It’s School of ro- *sigh* nevermind.
Cause of death: Very rough shirt tag
If you’re wondering why it seems like there are so many birthdays these past few weeks it’s because we are the result of parents who have sex once a year on Valentines Day
just found myself walking around inspecting things in my front yard with my hands clasped gently behind my back, so my transition into my grandfather is nearly complete
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who demanded to use a fork to eat his soup and can’t eat his soup
Her – I am like a beautiful flower. You will never do better than me.
Me – You are. But I think I am allergic to your pollen.
Detective Baby: We got you dead to rights, dirtbag.
*suspect puts face in hands*
Detective Baby: HE’S ESCAPED
When I play rock paper scissors I always pick Rock because Dwayne Johnson shows up and punches my opponent.
My wife had a tick on her. It wasn’t attached though. The whole thing was very zen
*Googles “exercise apps for lazy people”*
*Downloads five apps*
That should do it for today.
Dads have to rest their eyes in the living room cause they see all the injustice in the world.
Your daughter seems to have nice boyfriends. They all seem to be involved in community service.
If the Christians published the Kama Sutra it would have been one page long.
“I think we should start touching other people.”
-Blind couple breaking up.
That day I took a photo of a ghost builder on their way to work carrying their hard hat.
Mom: Sorry, I won’t be able to come in today. My son’s got stuck in the washing machine.
Boss: Aw okay. Poor thing, how old is he?
Mom: 27
My son just complained about how far the guy in his video game has to walk.
We take our lazy seriously around here.
Foo fighters still fighting foo.
In a bad place rn, not mentally just flying over Birmingham
C’mere baby, let me help you break that resolution.
My wife is playing hard to get.
Rid of.
When someone says “We can still be friends” after a break up it’s like saying…”The dog died but can we still keep it?”