Disappointed it’s raining this weekend
Was totally going to do that job I’ve been putting off for 6 months
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[at a dinner party]
Me: I saw a UFO once
Wife: It was a frisbee
Me: At the park
Wife: Frisbee
Me: I took a pic
Wife: Of a frisbee in the air
Me: *shows pic*
Friend: Looks like a…
Wife: Frisbee
Well, look who I ran into at the liquor store. First I thought he was shopping so didn’t wanna bother him, but then I saw the shirt and thought “wait a minute, he works here?!”
Turns out, he’s the owner. A quiet life away from the glitz & glam. May we all learn a thing or two 🙌
I saw a lady at work today doing “breathing exercises” and realized for the first time how lucky I was that breathing came naturally to me.
*sells “no soliciting” signs door to door
My favorite romance novels begin with “Preheat oven to 350 degrees”
Kylo: I need an N to finish my favorite Vader quote.
Han: This is SpaghettiOs, not Alphabet Soup.
Kylo: Great. Now Vader says, “OOOOOOOO!”
What do you call a lazy crawfish? A slobster.
🤣 I’ve got a million of them.
🤕 Who threw that shoe?
date: I like men who aren’t afraid to take risks
me: [to waiter] horse please
I’m like if Lady Godiva rode in naked on a ” My Little Pony” …
I wish booze made me flirty. It just makes me quote Adam Sandler movies
That moment when Exam Invigilator looks at your answer sheet and address whole class
“Students, please make sure that you are reading the questions carefully”
Cashier: this coupon expired last week
Me: so did this yogurt
Damn, Twitter. If I wanted to get ignored this hard, I’d yell at my kids
*has no girlfriend or kids*
*gives out dating and parenting advice*
[feeding baby Malaysian food]
“Here comes the plane”
*makes plane noises**spoon just disappears*
I would request a bunch of Ambien as my last meal so I would look hardcore as hell by falling asleep at my own execution
My doctor says I’m a hypochondriac. Is that any way to speak to a woman who’s probably dying?
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, blocking the tv and getting him shot on Call of Duty.
Huge respect for Parasite, but Ford v Ferrari deserved to win just for the opening scene
Women don’t consider it chivalrous when you open bathroom stall doors for them.
Wait a minute…
We’re way too stupid in our 20’s to be picking life partners
Having sex while really full is like running with a backpack on.
My husband likes to tell me he doesn’t want to have sex by waiting for me to bring up the last bag of groceries before asking if I need help
God gives his worst wrapping skills to his strongest gift givers
Judge: Did you commit murder?
Me: I’m a man. I’m afraid of commitment.
Judge: hahaha!
Me: hahaha!
Judge: Life.
Trying to get lunch w 4 yo in restaurant: “If you can’t behave we’re going to have to leave here.”
“But I want to leave here.”
Touché.
[exchanging vows]
HIM: I’ll love you forever.
HER: I’ll love you until you leave me a voicemail.
HIM: Wait, what?!
PRIEST: No, that’s fair.
I asked my daughter to make me a Pinterest board of what she’d like to redecorate her room and I just opened it up to see nothing but a bunch of pictures of people holding fistfuls of cash
If you make fun of my messy car, don’t come crying to me when you need 350 hot empty water bottles.