discontinue use and talk to your doctor if you experience death, as this may be a sign of a more serious condition.
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Seems like I can’t even sit on a park bench anymore without someone’s henchman sneaking by to swap briefcases
“sup shorty” – a giraffe, probably
When grocery shopping, I only buy foods that can also be used as a weapon. Cantaloupe is a good example of this.
customer behind me in line: hey I think your phone is ringing
me: oh *declines it* thank you
Remember last year, when Biden pardoned those Thanksgiving turkeys and the next day they robbed a liquor store?
Even though it means he’s a serial killer, it’s nice when a guy has piercing blue eyes.
King: You name me madman, despot, tyrant. But how much blood stains YOUR hands, boy? They will hate you as they hated me. Do it then. If you would strike me down and claim my throne, do it! Do it and be done!
*raising sword*
Burger Prince: Very well, father. Have it your way.
Once saw a mortgage application where a guy put his job description as “self employed street pharmacist”
I think about that a lot
2 things I hate;
1)Hypocrites
2)and people who don’t finish anyth
[First day as an exterminator]
Me: *pointing to giant, dead mouse on floor* He won’t be bothering you anymore.
Chuck E. Cheese Manager: OH MY GOD
Just saved two ants from drowning in the pool, so I assume they’re rushing back to their colony to tell everyone they were lifted to safety by the giant hand of god.
PRIEST: What is your view on celibacy?
ME: I thought her vocal performance on Goldfinger was outstanding.
the three best gummy flavors, together at last
Daughter: *calling up the steps
Dad you almost ready?…We’re going to be late for my college orientation.
Me: *appears wearing just a toga
All set.
Going to the dentist for a teeth cleaning. Should I put them in a fancy box or will a Ziploc baggie be ok? Also, not all of them are human teeth, some I happened upon randomly. Can I still get those cleaned? Sorry, don’t mean to be weird, I’m just excited for my first time!!
When your child tells you at 8pm on a Wednesday night that they “forget about” the diorama project for school due tomorrow…
“Then, the handsome prince sees her dead body laying there and has to kiss her.”
“Ummm, what?”
“Trust me, the kids will love it.”
5yo: Daddy, what’s a facial?
Me: Your brother.
5yo: I don’t have a brother!?
Me: Exactly!
[Dr. Strange casting read]
Ancient One: Ópẽñ yõür ẽyé, Stéphẽñ
Benedict Cumberbatch: …what… is this accent for real?
Tilde Swinton: Í’m ñõt dõíñg ãñ ãccéñt
*escorted from Starbucks
I SWEAR, I LEFT MY SCARF IN THE CAR!
Monday: forearms
Wednesday: forearms
Friday: forearms
Sunday: forearms
–Popeye’s gym schedule
Johnny Depp is proof that if you dress like you’re a member of a rock band long enough one will just form around you eventually
Cameraman here. If I’m in the newsroom during a live news broadcast I ring my mates and they get their kids to watch, as I tell them to look at the newsreader’s shoulder, at which point I stand up and magically appear in the background. The kids love it.
This kid’s parent is the WORST at taking pictures lmfaooo
If you don’t stop holding those grudges they’re never going to learn to walk on their own.
How long do you have to go without sex before you’re officially a virgin again?
Asking for me, I don’t have any friends.
[first date]
HER: You smell so good. What are you wearing?
ME: *nodding and sniffing myself* Mashed potatoes with gravy.
Dogs look like they’ve received some really sad news when they watch you eat.
Despite being terrified of alligators, I’ve taken a job at the Florida Everglades just so I can tell people I’ve been swamped at work all week.