discontinue use and talk to your doctor if you experience death, as this may be a sign of a more serious condition.
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[at roller rink]
My fanny pack is filled with marbles in case I need to create a diversion.
me: do you mind i can’t go with other people in the room
cellmate: buddy i don’t know what to tell you
my physical therapist told me I should be using a foam roller “or a wine bottle, since I know you have one of those at home”
Smart person: I just read Fahrenheit 451
Me, a jerk: in the rest of the world, it’s called Celsius 232.778
I’m a bound and determined person and I like to get things done but as I’ve gotten older I’ve found that I can pay others to do it while I take a nap.
white people go to an italian store one time then brag about the time they visited an “international market”
Uses power washer to clean food stained Tupperware.
Good things about drinking on the plane:
1. You don’t have to drive.
2. No matter how much you drink, they can’t throw you out.
me: hey, cute dog, what’s his name
guy w/ dog: Robert
me: Robert
guy: yeah
me: [grabs him by shirt] wtf is wrong with you
Just tried a “sorry this is my first day” to a customer’s question and he was like I saw you here two weeks ago!
“You call this ART?!” *throws Subway sandwich against the wall* “Make me FEEL something!”
[Hunting Robots]
Me: You a robot?
Robot: Would a robot read this?
*shows me copy of Totally Not A Robot magazine*M: Hm. That checks out.
I bet that at some point in history a baby ate a dingo.
It’s hard to believe 2019 was only 15 years ago
why we do always assume Pat is short for Patrick when it could also be short for Patatouille
I haven’t seen Criss Angel in awhile …. I have to say this is by far his best magic trick ever.
*holds up bread* this is my body
*holds up wine* this is my blood
*holds up fire* and this is my mixtape
My favorite part of yard work is running over a toy with the lawnmower and watching it shoot across the yard. Never gets old
somewhere, in an alternate universe
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
I hope nobody on my yearbook page ever becomes famous.
REPORT: Box You Set Down for a Second to Become Permanent Decor:
*doorbell rings*
me: go away I’m social distancing
voice: pizza delivery
me: *opens door*
COVID19: hehe, got’em
[at bank]
*slides teller a note*Teller:
Me:
T:
M: [winks]
T: Seriously!?
M: uh huh
T:
M:
T: *slides me a lollipop*
You know people ask “how are you still single” to singles? It’d be funny if we started saying “how are you still married” to married people
Realtor: Hi. Would you like a tour?
Me: (stuffing cookies in my purse) The sign said there would be sandwiches too.
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
Some people are scared of spiders and some people are scared of clowns but EVERYONE should be afraid of spiders dressed as clowns.
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the sock puppet at home tomorrow