discontinue use and talk to your doctor if you experience death, as this may be a sign of a more serious condition.
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URGENT! IF MY BOSS ASKS YOU IF IT’S REALLY “NATIONAL THROW YOUR COFFEE AT YOUR BOSS DAY” PLEASE SAY YES.
friend: which is more important, honesty or loyalty?
me: whichever one makes this conversation end
CANADA WATCHING US NEWS
My toddler just woke up and went to the pantry to get herself Doritos for breakfast.
Apparently she’s ready to be a teenager now.
Him: we’re being attacked by a UFO
Me: are they human?
Him: no they’re-
Me [clenches fist]: then they are dancer
“I’m not really a big dog person.” – lying werewolf
“would you still love me if i was a worm?” yes. more, in fact.
Doctors penmanship is so poor because they’re actually making fun of you to the pharmacist
Just found out that umbrellas open up. I always wondered why my rain stick never kept me dry. We never stop learning do we.
Son: I’m scared of bees
Me (very wise): Eventually every letter of the alphabet will terrify you
My 6 yr old just asked if I’m a happy wife.. her cover is blown I think she might be working for the other side
My wife and I have decided we don’t want to have children.
So we are going to tell them tonight at dinner.
Ok you know that Australian speed skater who won gold because he was in last place but everyone in front of him got into a crash and he won? I think that might be tumblr
So glad we cleared that up
My friend said his dog retrieved a ball he threw over a mile away. I don’t know, that seems pretty far fetched.
152,000 people will die today but not the one you want.
SECURITY GUARD: “Sir, I have to check all backpacks”
ME: “ok”
*opens backpack*
*its full of hundreds of tiny backpacks*
Me: omg look how bad they messed up my name at Starbucks, this isn’t even close
lupita nyong’o: that’s my coffee
Honestly son, that nightlight just makes it easier for the monsters to find you.
Since I moved into my house, my parents do this thing where they come over so my dad can work on a project but he always forgets a tool he needs so they just drink my beer instead.
Soooo, if the string breaks off…do you just make yourself sneeze so that it shoots out?
Female cashier: [stares at me]
*rings up tampons*
17 year-old Malia Obama playing beer pong is the most outrageous thing the child of a president has done since George W. Bush invaded Iraq
*hires 2 personal trainers and makes one of them train the other one*
[on the phone]
me: i let the cat out of the bag
sis: what??
me: …too early at the vet and she hid under the desk
sis: oh phew
me: then i spilled the beans
sis: what?!
me: …all over the floor at dinner
sis: omg ok
me: also i told mum you’re pregnant okiloveyoubye
Titanic should have been called “Vacation Boyfriend”
[garage sale]
ME: can I leave my children as collateral
LADY: you haven’t bought anything
My kid has the wildest imagination, there isn’t even a wait when she’s playing doctor
Got ya covered
Why does Nike keep telling me to JUST DO IT? Maybe I don’t want to do it. I’m in my 50s. Maybe I just want to eat pizza straight out the box and take a nap