Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why do they sell clementines in an orange fish net package? They’re already sexy.

i would take so many bribes if i was a judge. half my shit would be bribes. take bribes from the criminals until theyre too poor to do crime

THE SHINING (1980): An oblivious pair of incessant chatterboxes are finally taught to respect the sanctity of a writer’s space.

Me: *is utterly starved for affection and understanding*

Universe: Best I can do is a tweet from a puppet.

I march to the beat of my own dumb

What my girlfriend thought, first 4 dates:
1. Nice shirt.
2. Wow. A second nice shirt.
3. Okay, first shirt again.
4. He has two shirts.

I have a stomach ache and my husband is mad at me for eating the peanut butter out of the mouse traps.

I remember when peer pressure was all about drugs and promiscuous sex.

Now it’s Fitbit and who has the best gluten free recipes.

Who’s drunk

*raises leg

Oh you “like women?” Cool, name three of their early works.

i smell a pulitzer

Never date an intelligent, incredibly handsome, wealthy man. He’s a violent psychopath that wants to kill you
*things i learned from horrors

My dogs are so stupid. They keep wanting outside even though they know it’s freezing out and they want right back in in 5 minutes.

*gives them a cookie when they come in*

My dogs are so stupid.

Cauliflower: *ring ring*

Textiflower: *ping*

angel: so what are plants gonna eat, since they can’t move to find food?

god: *blows massive line* they’ll eat the sun

Imagine how expensive the iPhone would be if they called themselves Organic Apple.

Bought a house plant so I wouldn’t be the only one dying of dehydration around here

idea for a movie:

a bear who is a parent

captures a psychotherapist

to cook as dinner for the cubs

and the movie is called

(and i’m very very sorry)

“kids, i honeyed the shrink”

[buys new refrigerator with water dispenser]

day 1: I will never tire of this water dispenser
day 15: still luvin’ this water dispenser

day 4563: wahey! water dispenser

Today I realised that fire engines don’t carry the water in the fire engine with them. Thought fire hydrants were an American thing. Didn’t realise we had them in the UK. I’m 36 and have two first class degrees

[Sloth Job Interview]

Sloth Boss: How would you describe yourself?

*2 hours later*

Sloth Interviewee: Quick-thinking.

Me: How was my snoring last night?

Wife [with earplugs in]: WHAT

instead of eating lunch I just ate a bunch of olives so ….. yet again …..

If she ever says: What did you just say!? I recommend an immediate heart attack and let the paramedics carry you out of the room.

They say all dogs eventually look like their owners……..that’s unfortunate for your dog

Doctor: Questions?

Me: How do I know if my baby is a raptor?

Him:

Me

Him: She’s a baby

Me: That’s what a raptor would want me to think.

I just want to put my hair in a cute little messy bun and not look like a sumo wrestler.

boss: you’re working very efficiently

me: oh thanks

boss: so I’m giving you more work

me: wait no you’ve misunderstood why I was being efficient

“All my friends at school do not listen to me!”

– My 4yo who doesn’t listen to me

There’s only a one-letter difference between heroes and herpes so I’m closer to being a role model than you thought.