Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*at funeral*
ME: I know how you feel
FRIEND: Dont bring up the time you only got yel–
ME: One time I only got yellows in my Starburst pack

‘They’ll be searching for days!’ I giggle as I leave ‘sorry bout the damage notes’ on random cars at the Costco

Kids talking at bedtime are like the marketing emails which you’ve unsubscribed to multiple times

{yard full of boys}
*pointing at milkshake

Exterminator: there’s your problem

From now on I’m gonna tell guests that I made my house especially messy, just for their visit, it was hard but I got it done

You’ve said it before and I’ll say it again

-Plagiarists

Me: I need you to leave the house for the next 3-4 days

Hubs: What?! Why?

Me: It may or may not have to do with the amount of Amazon boxes that we will be receiving very soon

Wife: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves your mom.
W: Your disgusting!
M:
W: What is it?
M: I always wished she’d taught you how to cook.

Be the reason why the lights flicker & the temperature drops when you enter a room.

My kid told me it was too sunny outside and for a moment it seemed like he wanted me to do something about it

I met with a well-dressed group today at work. They all wore a black and white suits and dresses. For some reason, I chose a bright yellow shirt & a chunky red necklace today. We took a picture and the effect was very casual Friday Ronald McDonald hanging with formal Hamburglers

Over 40 means you go to the bathroom one more time “for good measure”.

When asked about performing in a musical for Andrew Lloyd Webber, Meatloaf was quoted as saying “Oh I would do anything for Lloyd, but I won’t do Cats!”

My neighbor caught me going through my own garbage can to find my engagement ring, so I told her, “There are some great deals in there on Tuesdays.”

Kidnapper: we have your wife

Me: you sonofa-it was HER turn to take the kids to the park today!

Autocorrect just changed AC to autocorrect even though I meant air conditioning. And I thought I was full of myself.

Me: Waiter, check please!

Waiter: *checks under the table* No monsters, sir.

Me: Thank you.

ME: long time no see! I heard you’re a doctor

FRIEND: I am. what do you do now?

ME: [glances down at open twitter app] I’m a writer

*shows up at your hot dog convention wearing nothing but mustard and a smile.

Who told cauliflower it can be anything it wants?

Obama: Hello Amer-
*feels a tug on his suit coat*
What Joe??
Biden: What color should the lion be?
Yellow.
Biden: I’m using green. *giggles*

*knuckle tats*

( S | H | H | H) ( H | H | H | H )

(I’m a librarian)

Shuffling into the kitchen in a robe Sunday morning to change the clock on the microwave is the lamest form of time travel ever.

Wasn’t wearing my glasses at the park and bent down to pet some guy’s gym bag. How’s your night going?!

me: *listening to the new song I like 4,000 times on repeat*

the ghost I don’t know lives in my apartment: *trying to hang himself but he’s already dead*

crossbreed every type of dog until all you’re left with is an everything beagle

a person who understands others’ feelings but ignores them is an empathole

Every recipe should include ingredients, instructions, and which local restaurant delivers last minute

A 20% discount sounds great until you realize you can’t afford the other 80%