Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Teenage son gets academic honors every year in school, yet he can’t cut a straight line with a lawnmower. I believe I am being played……

[cutting through Brazilian jungle]
*finds indigenous village*
Hi, I’m a Prime member.
I’d like to complain that my shipping took three days.

SON: Jake’s dad is so cool, he took him to Disney World!
ME: well, what if I did that?
SON: omg you’re the best!

[Next week at Disney World]
“Can’t believe we’re here!”
ME: Thank my son when we get home Jake, it was his idea

What do we want? A 2016 calendar! When do we want it? Late 2015!

I don’t care if they ban TikTok I still love Ke$ha.

If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to have pizza.

[working at prison coffee shop]

I walk up to the biggest guy in there & punch his loyalty card bc repeat customers are crucial to business

On bad days I like to take a pregnancy test to remind myself that things could be much worse.

Me: By the old gods and the new…may no man ever remove this crown.

Dentist: You can rinse now.

If she can do anything why is there no Money Laundering Barbie?

I made a ton of jokes about swine flu, but then I got swine flu. And as they rushed me to the hospital, I honestly thought I was going to die. So I used what little energy I had left to send this final text to a friend: “Make sure they serve pork at my funeral.”

A fun thing to do on a first date is wear a wedding dress

Friend: If you give it some deep thought—

Me: Let me stop you right there.

Saving up ketchup packets in the fridge so I can one day open my own restaurant

I asked my students today if they had heard Maggie Smith passed away, completely forgetting I had a student named Maggie Smith, who happened to be absent

People who say that they don’t have time for my bullshit should wake up an hour earlier

*on first date*

Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?

Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password

Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)

I hate it when I sit down on a warm public toilet seat and I have to set myself on fire.

freak people out in public restrooms by saying “come in” when they knock on the stall door

Every one of my trophies might as well say “Best Trophy Thief.”

What happens when you wear flowy sleeves? They get caught on every doorknob you walk past.

My sister is doing low carb and she told me she made a low carb quesadilla. I asked her how and she said she used eggs as the tortilla. I said that’s an omelette and now she isn’t talking to me

Not sure if I should be more concerned about the son who locked me out of my bedroom today, or the one who showed me how to pick the lock.

Shout out to all you people out there who get asked if you’re okay a lot even though that’s the only facial expression you have.

Wife: you are the wind beneath my wings

Me: [spraying air freshener] sorry

asked where the oysters were from and the waitress said “the sea”. never change, atlanta

One interesting thing I learned in my thirties is that you can leave a bar before it closes.

Wife: I need some chicken stock.

Me: okay. I’ll call the broker tomorrow.