discovered i giggle in my sleep after downloading a sleep app and assume i will soon become a serial killer
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[during home renovation]
My spouse, screaming: There’s a dead body in the walls!
Me: What a relief, I was afraid you found mold.
How was your day?
-You know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
That bad?
-Oh no. It’s just a cool scene. My day was decent
Relationship status:
My neighbour/girlfriend was kidnapped but she’s ok now, I was caught.
me: I’m on a new sugar free diet and I’m getting withdrawals pains
friend: how long has it been
me (looking at watch): 4 hours
wiping my hands on my pants before i shaking someone’s hand so they spend the rest of the day wondering what i just touched
Warring nations should hurl their politicians at each other.
When people say NYC apartments are cozy, we mean there’s no room for a freezer to hide a body
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
Reporter: are you nervous about the fight?
Me nervously: no
Reporter: he said he’s going to ‘rip your heart out’
Me crying: but I need it
2020: Tidepods ‘the sequel’
If I were a wrestler, my fighting name would be Pain Austen.
Sorry I told you we should definitely hang out sometime and then didn’t answer my phone for 5 years
Learning just enough german words to yell so I can scare my neighbors
No, Karen ….
Gold, Frankincense and Myrrh
is NOT a Jewish law firm.
[at the office]
Batman: somebody hit the batmobile while I was inside the building.Harvey Dent:
One of the kids has started shouting, “speak of the devil!” whenever I walk in the room
Croquettes are not female crocodiles
Just ruined my dad’s night by texting pics of a bird he can’t positively ID
me: can we watch something besides basketball tonight
him: sure how about a movie
me: cool you pick
[halfway through Teen Wolf]
me: you tricked me
That one time (today) I stabbed my eyeball with the stick part of my sunglasses.
my niece thought her math teacher said “length, width, and death” so shes been runnin around all day screamig “THE THIRD DIMENSION IS DEATH”
You know you’re getting old when your decision to sleep with someone is mostly based on the quality of their mattress and pillows.
mariah carrie
#rubbishjokes
I don’t like Russian dolls.They are so full of themselves.
[going 75 mph on the freeway with only forests on both sides of the road]
my phone: I found nine wi-fi connections to HP printers.
imagine your credit card gets declined at the hospital and they put your appendix back in
Women’s Magazines:
Pg 1. You’re beautiful and perfect just the way you are
Pg 2. How to lose 20kg in 10 days.
Coworker: don’t you hate it when you get so busy you forget to eat?
Me: imma stop you right there
Don’t ask me for advice, i just waited over a minute for an elevator to move before realizing i had not yet selected a floor.