discovered i giggle in my sleep after downloading a sleep app and assume i will soon become a serial killer
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My G.F. has a pair of ‘meatloaf’ panties.
On the front, it says ‘I would do anything for love’
On the back it says ‘but I wont do that.’
You want me to fill my glass with ice? The thing that sunk the Titanic?
[1st date]
*hiding that I’m actually a Zamboni*Date: Now that we’ve broken the ice-
Me: *nervously sweats while rolling across the floor*
When a duck takes a selfie, it makes a lonely white girl face.
Crush calls.
Me: *Googles: how to lose 50lbs overnight*
my doctor asked if it burns when I pee. I said only when it gets in my eyes.
I buried a time capsule when I was 9. This is the year we are going to dig it up.
I can’t wait to see how big my puppy got.
Him: It’s only a 20 minute hike. Why do you insist on so much bug spray?!
Me: Keeps the murder hornets away
Him: There’s no murder hornets in our state
Me: Then the spray is working
*Salem 1692*
Witch: I’m not a witch!
Judge: Look, if we’re being honest, you’re on trial for being a woman. Don’t make this weird
Hear me out, a headband that displays your brain activity so I can see when you’re bored of this conversation
*Heaven*
God: you may ask me 1 question
Me: Why aren’t there lowercase and uppercase numbers?
God: what?
Me: I wanna write loud numbers
When I complained to Amazon about a missing parcel and they asked me to send photographic evidence.
ME: I’ll have the chicken dinner.
WAITER: Yes, sir. *throws corn on the floor* Here, chick chick chick.
ME: *pecks at the ground* Excellent.
[street]
ME: “What if I park here?”
PARKING OFFICER: *writing a ticket* “Fine by me”
I genuinely don’t remember making you all this stupid.
This meal prepping shit is easy
happy birthday to me. i am 25.
the worst part about lockdown is thinking of all those Pokémon outside just waiting to be found
My gf just sat me down and confessed to me that she used to be a Christian. It came as quite a shock; I’ve only ever known her as Christine
Get in loser grandma lost at bingo and has gone after the priest.
Non-believers of Earth being a sphere presumably flatly deny all the evidence.
Dear dads, you don’t actually have to wear athletic clothing to your kids’ games. You’re literally just going be be sitting.
Wait, 12 years a slave isn’t about marriage?
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
It’s probably too late to lose 50lbs by 2023
My car broke down today. It confessed to a series of hit-and-run murders back in 2006.
At Walmart this lady was trying to reach the top shelf by stepping on a lower shelf, she knocked over a jar and salsa was all over the place, she says can you help me? So I handed her a bag of Fritos from the top shelf.
The date abruptly ended when an argument over who’s the hottest Disney princess spiralled out of control.
“Don’t take this the wrong way”
Translation: Prepare for insult.
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Never mind