Discovered that my wife can talk to me THROUGH THE SPEAKERS OF MY NEW CAR so I’m returning it.
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There are two rules in life:
1) Never give out all the information.
My wife often wishes she could use a remote to mute me but the joke would be on her. I’m even more annoying in closed captions.
Today is a new day. Be thankful. Do something nice for yourself. Call someone you haven’t spoken to in a while. Run with a pair of scissors
I’ve named my cat “Before” & my chihuahua “After.”
It works better if I introduce them wearing a lab coat and clipboard, giggling.
I don’t wear sunglasses because it’s unfair that a photon travels 93 million miles and then when it’s an inch from my eye I’m all “um, no.”
Stuck in traffic but luckily few people are beeping their horns so we’ll be moving any second now.
A burglar checking the hollowed out space in my Bible and finding a smaller Bible
me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
My toddler got a certificate at nursery for ‘good listening’ and ironically she didn’t listen when I asked her if she could do that at home too
In honor of Charles Dickens I will also be poor this Christmas
My version of dry January is just trying to see if I can get through the month without any poopcidents. So far it’s been an epic fail.
I never met a strawberry I didn’t like.
Me: do you like my new hairstyle?
17: oh – did you do that on purpose?
ad for letuce:
do u- hey do u ever wish u coud eat water
I’m not buying a coffee table until I finish walking around the furniture store barefoot kicking legs to see which hurts the least.
If I was a judge, I’d keep a pile of walnuts with me on the table at all times. If I’m gonna use the gavel, I might as well eat some delicious walnuts.
My husband and I have been spending a lot of time together. Now my boyfriend is pissed. It’s like I can’t win.
When a kidnapper gives you* back because you’re too annoying to be around anymore, that’s called getting ridnapped
*me
Newsreader FACT: John Snow started his career at an Eskimo news channel but was let go because it took too long to introduce him.
No one is shocked when a defibrillator doesn’t work.
Husband: Give me one example.
Me: ALL the times.
Husband: Those don’t count.
That curb wasn’t there until I hit it.
“So what do you do?”
I’m a wordsmith
“A what?”
A writer. I deal with words. How about you?
“Oh I’m a uh… weedsmith”
5 years ago today I asked a beautiful girl out on a date. Today at 3pm I asked that girl to marry me. She said no both times.
… Eau DeTroit …
#RejectedPerfumeNames
Wife: Why are you so out of breath? You drove here.
Me: Yeah but I was listening to Slayer in the car.
Doctor: you need to improve your diet what do you have for breakfast
Me: eggs
Doctor:
Me: ok reese’s eggs
Me: When do we get to solve mysteries and explore haunted houses?
Gang member: *cocks gun*
Me: Ohhhh, this is a murder gang.
GMO bananas: turn brown for what?
Reading is a gateway drug to being less stupid.