Discovered that my wife can talk to me THROUGH THE SPEAKERS OF MY NEW CAR so I’m returning it.
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(to kid at lemonade stand) i ain’t buying shit until i find you on yelp
People just talk about spiders but how many paper towels do you think you eat every year
If you pull out a knife and start sharpening it, people soon stop telling you about their plans for Valentine’s Day.
You want me to work for exposure? the thing that killed Marie Curie?
i think my razor is having a panic attack
Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
That awkward moment when someone says “stop”, and you don’t know whether to respond with “collaborate and listen” or “hammer time.”
Me: got the Infinity Gauntlet from Thanos
Iron Man: snap and bring everyone back
Me: [turning things into puppies] hold on
MOB BOSS: I think we have a rat
ME: *writing* I’ll pick up some traps and cheese
MOB BOSS: not that kind of rat, you idiot, one that likes to talk
ME: ohhh got it *crosses out cheese and writes in podcast*
Me: Back to school tomorrow! Everyone ready?
14: Yeah, let me check if I have any homework.
He’s been off for 17 days.
I wish forks had three prongs instead of four. I’d feel so powerful eating with a miniature trident. I want to dominate my food, not give it acupuncture.
I just wish I had the confidence of my husband who thinks everything only takes 5 minutes.
When you were a kid, you said “But I’m not tired!” at some point, and you had no idea that it was the last time you’d ever utter that phrase.
When the intruder towards Virat Kohli at Eden Gardens – VK couldn’t control his laugh seeing policeman’s reaction 😂
Show me a parent who has given 2 choices for dinner & I’ll show you a kid who picks something that wasn’t even an option
Groundhog is like regular hog except it’s easier to make burgers out of it.
Michelle Obama should have dropped the mic and moonwalked out.
Single: Knows all the bars in a 10 mile radius.
Married: Knows all the restaurants in a 10 mile radius.
As a parent: Knows all the bouncy places in a 10 mile radius.
Not to brag or anything, but I scored 4 points on flappy bird before my phone mysteriously flung itself across the room
ikea instructions make no sense, why would they only give me one allen wrench to cook all these meatballs
professor: you, explain the philosophy of predeterminism
me: I guess I don’t have a choice
professor: great job
me: what
When my wife gets upset at me I sneak into her Netflix profile and give thumbs up to the most boring documentaries
* trimming my toenails
Smartwatch: you are exceeding your usual amount of activity, good job!
Me: he loves me, he loves me not, he loves me, he loves me not.
Police officer: ma’am this is a lineup
If I was a man my favorite hole would still be the donut hole.
In hell, it’s always the last minute of a staff meeting and someone raises his hand for “one more quick question.”
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
Fun Fact:
Organic milk only comes from cows that do yoga and moo about being a vegetarian or marathons they were in.
2yr old has discovered how to undress himself, and now I live with a nudist
It went from “Oh, you guys really want to get to know your mom” to “Why are you asking me all these questions?” to “Which of my accounts are you trying to get into?”