Discovered that when 10yo boys go on a school trip for 3 days, there’s no laundry when they come back because they’re unaware they can actually change their clothes
You Might Also Like
FIRST TIME MOM: Hush little baby don’t say a word.
BABY: {saying first word} Mama.
FIRST TIME MOM: [makes note on clipboard] Doesn’t follow directions yet.
GENIE: 3 wishes. But no extra wishes & no sex stuff
Me: why not?
GENIE: I make the rules
ME: I wish I made the rules
GENIE: …dammit
Wow my pants are really loose today
*skips to the nearest vending machine*
“KIDS, GET YOUR SHOES ON WE’RE LEAVING FOR SCHOOL IN SIX HOURS!!!”
— Centipede parents
My wife has already mentally eaten half my fries before I’ve even ordered.
Me: *Applying for a second mortgage*
Banker: *shuffling papers* I just don’t understand how you got the first one on this Bouncy House.
Youtube trainer: and we’re going to repeat this exercise for thirty seconds
me: *how* many seconds???
“What fruit or vegetable extract have we not said was good for your hair yet?”
~Shampoo developers probably
Seriously, how sexy was Freud’s mom?
Unless you’re turned on by a description of a homeless person under a bridge don’t ask me what I’m wearing.
My doctor told me I have acute appendicitis and I said “Compared to who!?”
OPTICIAN: Do you wear contacts?
ME: *showing my cell phone* No, I keep them on here.
Things Brits say when they’re absolutely livid:
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“What’s going on in here?”
“With all due respect”
“I beg your pardon”
“Can I help you?”
“Now look”
“I’ll write a letter”
“I’ve had just about enough of this”
“Is there anybody else I can speak to?”
A lady just told me that the theatrical release of “Cats!” is what caused the pandemic, and I want to argue, but I can’t.
*points at houseplant*
no, YOU have a drinking problem!!
You didn’t have to say “he’s a male nurse.” When you said ‘he’ my psychic ability of gender discernment kicked in.
All I’m saying is, there are too many songs about love and not enough songs about evenly layered nachos.
Me: *picks nose*
Plastic Surgeon: excellent choice
I follow funny people on Twitter because according to the police, doing it in real life is not appropriate.
“I just ate a vegetarian meal” sounds so much healthier than “I just ate two full sleeves of Oreos.”
I bought a smart light switch but was regularly getting outwitted, so swapped it for a dimmer switch.
When I can she’s been typing her reply for 5 mins.
Locked myself in the bathroom for 2 minutes of solace when lo and behold my 3 year old Macgyvered her way in with a hair clip. I’m too upset to be impressed.
My boyfriend is not like other guys. He wants to date me
The problem with the exclamation point & question mark being side by side on a keyboard:
I’m so sorry your grandma died?
I love you?
Cop: GET DOWN ON THE GROUND
Me: I didn’t do…
Cop:*cuffing me* Dispatch, we have a creepy clown in custody
Me: These are my regular clothes
I hate grocery shopping. That’s why I just steal a full cart when somebody turns away. I never know what I’m getting, but it sure is faster.
It’s just like my grandma used to tell me, never teach a monkey martial arts
I don’t care what people tell you, but LA definitely has 4 seasons: Pilot, Earthquake, Fire and Award.
My doctor wants me to take a stress test.
I should pass with flying colors. I’ve been studying for this my whole life.