Discovered that when 10yo boys go on a school trip for 3 days, there’s no laundry when they come back because they’re unaware they can actually change their clothes
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If a bullet train doesn’t come out of a train gun I don’t want it
*Hires life coach*
“Ok, the first thing we have to do is get you off this couch and get you moving!”
*Fires life coach*
Enhanced interrogation idea:
If waterboarding isn’t working, try having my mother brush their hair.
If you’re trying to console someone who has a tattoo with their ex’s name on and they just broke up, don’t say ‘haha that’s tattoo bad.’
Feeling lazier than the guy who named the anteater
“What’s this thing eat? Cool.”
I blame movies for giving me unrealistic expectations about how long I can look away from the road while driving.
Forgiveness is for people who don’t know about arson.
Why was the picture sent to prison?
It was framed.
I turn to my freezer as I fill up an ice cube tray with water. “Hey, can you do me a solid?”
If the good lord did not intend for me to eat this entire bag of chili cheese fritos then he wouldn’t have made them so delicious
Amen
“Make it look like he had a happy little accident”
-Bob Ross, Mob Boss
*adds pineapple to your lasagna*
This global outage sounds like I’m finally getting the y2k bug I was promised as a child
Things Ted Cruz and I have in common:
1. Love butter
2. Shy eyes
3. Resurrected from the grave during satanic bloodmoon ritual
4. Brown hair
[ordering from the dollar menu]
me: hi i’ll have 7 dollars please
ME: baby, I want to turn eucalyptYOU & eucalyptME into eucalyptUS
HER: you don’t flirt much, do you?
ME: I do not
Dr Raygun has achieved a feat absolutely unheard of in academia – people are reading her thesis
Me: Do you have this in my size? I’m a medium.
Shop assistant: Oh, well you tell me then.
Every time my husband pisses me off, I sprinkle sugar on his deodorant so he’s wondering all day why his armpit hair is so sticky.
Govt: How many dependents do you have?
Me: 7
Dependents: [dogs in baby clothes]
bank robber: *fires gun* everyone be cool this is a robbery
banker: *pops collar of leather jacket, takes long drag of cigarette*
bank robber: *points gun* not that cool
If I worked at a wax museum, I think a good joke would be to put a wick coming out of all of their heads.
Dolphin scientists say that dolphins are the smartest animal next to humans, but I think they’re only saying that because they’re dolphins.
This is worse than season 7 of The Walking Dead
Why are they called drug mules instead of methengers?
The KANYE went down to the very KANYE street to buy a new KANYE for only $KANYE dollars. “KANYE?” he asked.
– Kanye West doing a Mad Lib
i trust babies a lot because i can throw them pretty far
14 [in front of the dinner his dad made]: I don’t understand what I’m looking at.
This woman’s “I’m deleting my Facebook” post has 52 comments and she’s replied to all of them. Not a strong start.
Started trying to hand out tiny umbrellas to neighborhood squirrels to help them beat the heat. So far, it’s a much bigger challenge than I thought.