Discovered that when 10yo boys go on a school trip for 3 days, there’s no laundry when they come back because they’re unaware they can actually change their clothes
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Hotel clerk: Sir, how many room keys would you like?
Me: 37
I’m not a cyber-bully but I did change my WiFi network name to “I CAN SEE WHAT YOU ARE GOOGLING STEVE”. Sleep well neighbor. Sleep well.
My family has been giving each other the same eight gift bags since 1973.
Technically it was only Jesus’s last supper.
my gf told me she slept with 5 different women in college and said she “experimented” girl that’s not experimenting you did peer reviewed research
Sometimes I lay in bed awake at night thinking, how did Skeletor from He-Man speak perfectly without lips or a tongue
Have you heard about these cats getting plastic surgery to look like kittens?
Me: we should probably go to bed
Friend: or we could drink more and stay up later at the small expense of our will to live in the morning
Me: ok
some cats are just doing for fun!
Got disqualified from the rap battle for being too dope*
*trying to start a tickle fight
this is going to be a tight week. is stealing still wrong and stuff?
Perms are just rad skateparks for lice.
Unlike my male neighbor. I can water my lawn without standing there with my hands on my hips staring at my sprinklers.
7yo: *eating granola bar* What are you doing?
Me: Cooking dinner.
7yo: *eating 2nd granola bar* Why?
Me: I have no idea.
I always thought animal husbandry referred to the level of assertiveness I was expected to bring into the bedroom after I got married
99% of smokers are just wanna-be dragons. Everybody knows that.
If I had two brownies, I’d give you one
little corner off of one
Can we just cut the crap and make all serving sizes based on an actual person? No one is sitting down in front of the TV like “Can’t wait to eat these 9 chips!”
*walks in at 3am*
Wife: OMG, what happened?
Me: I was attacked.[front door 5hrs later]
Neighbor: What happened to our inflatable Santa?
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
Food is love and love is terrifying so my chili might kill you.
Was gonna go to the gym but then I checked Twitter. In 2009
I wish I understood computers better so I could find those cookies I’ve been accepting all these years.
If someone is throwing shade, they’re doing you a favor. Use it, avoid sun damage; let your perfect skin be something else for them to hate.
Me: How’d you injure your back?
Friend: I dropped something, bent down to pick it up, and my back said, “You sure ’bout that?”
Just saw my kid throw the handsoap away with some left in the bottom because the straw didn’t reach the soap anymore. Um, you add water to that shit and keep going. This ain’t the Ritz.
I wonder if my bank account thinks about me and has panic attacks.
The most unrealistic thing about Warrior Cats isn’t the talking cats it’s their names. I’ve been around feral cats; they wouldn’t call themselves Stormheart or whatev. More like: “I am called Lord Orange. Here are my finest warriors: Orange, Orange & Also Orange.”
Bacon: Toast, great tan!
Eggs: Ham, you smell good!
Ham: Thank you Eggs, you too!
Toast: Bacon, you’re awesome bro!
-complementary breakfast
A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.
Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.