Discovered there’s a Bermuda Triangle in our house where all the cups and dishes go missing. Have renamed it “13yo’s Bedroom.”
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Keep your friends close and your enemies tied to a train track.
bumping into a hot professor in the hallway and dropping my folder full of printed out pictures of the Green M&M
My sister got my 5 year old some glitter slime- that’s right, it’s got glitter AND it’s slime.
She has kids of her own, so it must be that I wronged her in some life-changing and tragic way.
So I’ll be over here trying to figure out what I did to her.
if you are getting the names Jon and John confused call them by their full names, Jonaldo and Johnaldo
You were the hot single in your area the whole time.
A guy in line just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
You just found Jesus?
The rule is if no one claims him in 30 days you can keep him.
therapist: and how do we react to conflict?
me: with sarcasm?
therapist: try again
me: oh sry how’s this? dEfInItElY nOt WiTh SaRcAsM
therapist: much better
Capricorn: Next year will be the year you start living like a king. Isolated, paranoid, never sure if anyone’s affections are genuine.
Mick Jagger: “Hey you, get off of my cloud.”
Scotsman: “Hey McCloud, get off of my ewe.”
My niece calls me her ankle. I call her my knees.
We are a joint family.
There is actually a grim reaper for every species. The mantis reaper is the coolest and the scariest and she doesn’t even have to use a scythe.
Come back with a warrant
Huh… I wonder if I should tell my friend that his back tattoo doesn’t say what he thinks it says.
“Screw you, my face doesn’t look like that at all” – an actual duck.
wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
me *calls wife* Can you bring me some pants?
A little boy at the park ran away from my twins and promptly told his mom, “they scare me cause there’s two of them!!” Same, buddy, same.
Her: I love it when we finish each other’s
Him: pancakes
*on the phone*
Me: I’d like to order a 12″ cheese steak.
Him: Sure. That’ll be $13.39.
M: How long will it be?
H: Uhh, a foot?
M: …
Never understood why ghosts haunt old, dusty houses. If I was a ghost I’d haunt Hawaii or Bali
*watching our 7yo’s softball game*
Me: Where’s our kid?
Him: The one dancing
Me: Ah, yes
All carpentry tool names were created by someone in desperate need of sex.
remember if you want to send me flowers today my favorite kind are mushroom pizza
Heckling the flight attendant during the oxygen mask demo
Me: I try to avoid working out while on vacation.
Also me: [lugs seven beach chairs, five umbrellas, a cooler, a bag containing snacks and 13 bottles of sunscreen, and a cornhole set down a half-mile down to the beach through eight inches of soft sand]
My husband is working from home and he’s still late.
Mean Girls 2020: “Gross, isn’t that the mask you wore yesterday?”
“Let It Go” performed by Rose and Jack from Titanic. Mostly by Rose, though.
Found my cat reading To Kill A Mockingbird. I told him that it didn’t actually involve killing birds, but he said he liked courtroom dramas.