Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you haven’t tried blindfold archery you should give it a go, you don’t know what you’re missing.

Much like Camilla, I too take a rest after defeating an entire royal family.

Tried to pull up my long sleeve but my fingers slipped and I punched myself in the chest. My husband really hit the jackpot.

If you go back in time to 2009 and tell anyone Daniel Radcliffe & Jonathan Groff would become Tony winning besties they would probably be like “Wow 2024 is a magical place” & then you’d have to be like “Nah that’s like the one good thing.”

If we can land on Mars then we can figure out how to get someone else to go to the bathroom for me I’m not discussing this further

When someone asks me how my day is, I like to say “Still kinda pissed about Hiroshima,” & then start swearing in Japanese.

It would be magical for babies and toddlers to fly with animals. In that part of the plane.

Don’t throw away leftovers! Put them in the fridge for a week to justify it first

You might think I’m flirting, but really those faces are just me trying to get the peanut butter off the roof of my mouth

[Shopping for Deodorant]

I’m gonna get the same kind I always do, but I better sniff it first to make sure I still like it.

88% of parenting is begging your kids to blow their nose.

Me: I’ve got the singing voice of an angle

Friend: Don’t you mean angel?

M: Nope, people hear me sing and do a complete 180

Ostrich: OMG SOMEONE KILLED MY DAD
PLS HELP HE’S BEEN DECAPI- …wait

911: *sigh* did he have –

Ostrich: he had his head in the sand again

Doctor: congrats! Have you chosen a name yet?

Me: well i love Reese’s Pieces so

Doctor: Reese is a lovely name

Me: *holds baby up* meet Pieces

gordon ramsay: we need you to make a twist on an american classic

me [boiling hotdog in baja blast mountain dew]: yes chef

If I opened an Italian restaurant, I’d describe my lasagne as ‘Just like mama used to make’ because my mum couldn’t cook and neither can I.

All my personalities waiting to see who gets to be in charge today

My 8 year old daughter can already read at a 5th grade level and ignore me at a 12th grade level.

5:21am: I hope someone gets mad at me today.

5:22am: Oh good.

Tired of actually helping? Try prayer

I’ve had a stressful day and writing a scathing email to the pork and bean company wasn’t on my list of things to do but here I am.

I only eat vegetarians.

In honor of the winter solstice I will also be cold, distant & filled with darkness.

I was bummed that I didn’t have any candy then I remembered I can take probably 90% of small children in a fight

A younger person at work was telling us she made bagels herself at home.

Impressive, until we found out that she meant buying them at the coffee shop then taking them home to toast

Magician: “Think of a card.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “You are thinking of the.. 3 OF SPADES!”
Me: “I was thinking about a get well soon card.”

Irony is Westboro Baptist Church protesters writing “God Hates Fags” on rainbow colored signs.

I can’t stop canceling dates. it feels incredible. this guy thought he was gonna find out how many siblings I have and now that mystery will follow him to his grave

Show me on this doll where the bad man gave you a skewed perspective of a female body