Discovered there’s a Bermuda Triangle in our house where all the cups and dishes go missing. Have renamed it “13yo’s Bedroom.”
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This is my cat’s medicine.
Just wrote “except for you, spiders >:(” on my Welcome mat so that should be the end of that
they should invent a romcom where no one has to overhear anything that leads to a huge unnecessary misunderstanding
Cop: Save it for the JUDGE!
Crook:Ok
*crook wraps up last slice of pizza in foil*
Lawyer: it’s too bad the judge had to miss our pizza party
❤️❤️❤️
I’m trying to like people but boy oh boy do they make it hard.
what everyone’s tl looks like now that we can retweet ourselves
My daughter just asked me if you can pick up a baby by the scruff of its neck and I guess I won’t ever be a grandmother. Not for long, anyway.
The coins in my cup holder have bonded together and will be the problem of whomever owns my vehicle next.
Genetics dictate that if two people who refuse to talk before coffee have children, their children will carry the before coffee chatty gene
Inventor of popcorn: Quickly! We have to put out the fire in the corn silo before it gets to the butter silo!
Superman’s first day at the daily planet.
Boss: Since you’re new, you might need supervision.
Clark: I have that, superhearing too.
Well I guess someone had to be the cautionary tale. You’re welcome, everyone.
INVENTOR OF THE CEMETERY: what if I told you there was a legal way to hide a dead body
The most dangerous piece of machinery a person can operate while drinking is the telephone
NUTRITIONIST: did you know that one beer equals 7 slices of bread?
ME: wow, what a time saver.
Sometimes I want to kidnap a few woman for two to three weeks so that their eyebrows can grow without fear
*Hearing my kids fighting upstairs
once I can run up those stairs without getting winded, it’s so over for them
Something touched my leg while in the ocean and apparently I can walk on water now
my anti-aging skincare regime consists of a plan to eventually get bitten by a vampire
nobody sighs louder than an unemployed, debt-free dog who spends at least 16 hours a day sleeping
[galileo’s wife walks in]
*quickly pointing the telescope from the neighbor’s window to the sky*
i was just studying the… phases of venus.
When mad at the hubby, I just tweet about it. I don’t sleep with a waitress that looks just like him. I’m talking to you David Arquette.
Ok I just need to think like a 39-year-old
-my 6yo, trying to find the Halloween candy I hid
Hey Hotels! Stop keeping decaf coffee in the rooms. If I’m late and need to rush out the last thing I need is a cup of zero energy water that tastes like the Great Depression.
I love visiting my parents cause then we get to argue about why it’s not ok to give my kids ketchup that’s 2 years expired.
wife: oh cool, the zoo reopened
me: [sitting on couch shirtless in cutoff sweats while drinking beer] why would I want to go look at a some bored dumb animal who sits around all day doing nothing
i just got a letter from my prison pen pal saying that he wants me to send him a live shark for his birthday
A poster with a mugshot saying “Have you seen this man”
So I rang up and said No.
You have to do your bit for society .
3: Mommy, I love you. You’re the best mommy in the world. I wish I had a mom just like you.
Me: