Discovered there’s a Bermuda Triangle in our house where all the cups and dishes go missing. Have renamed it “13yo’s Bedroom.”
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Lost my phone, went looking, set down coffee.
Found phone, went back, where’d I put coffee?
…& against the advice of everyone in the drum circle greg unsealed the pack of natural hemp paper & rolled the 7th blunt, summoning the four hippies of the hackey sackolypse
I saw a car with a flat tire so I offered to help. She tells me to hurry cause she has a hair appoinment..This is how serial killers r born
“So tell me more about yourse-PUT DOWN MY FRIES IF YOU WANT TO WALK OUT OF HERE WITH ALL 4 LIMBS INTACT.” – What not to say on a first date.
I tried to spell perseverance but I gave up in the end
A forest fire is the world’s way of adding black trees to the forest community.
“Where is the pooping bathroom?” I casually ask the hostess at the holiday party I’ll never be invited to again.
people say all kinds of stupid things, my favorite is hello.
People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. They should utilize the cover provided by the transparent walls and return fire with lasers.
We have completed this week’s homework and can sum the whole experience up by saying that I’d have preferred to have done a week’s worth of washing instead. Twice.
Based on the noise, my neighbors cars is stuck in the snow. If the aim of my potato gun is correct he’s gonna have a broken windshield too.
*sees a bug in my apartment*
me: *yells at the spiderweb in the corner*
WHAT THE SHIT, FRANK?! WE HAD A DEAL
‘THERE IS NO SHOUTING ON THE BUS!’ she shouted.
DR: Good news and bad news
LADY: What’s the bad news
DR: Your husbands dead
LADY: *crying* Oh my god
DR: *holding finished sudoku behind back* Ask what the good news is
Me- owns 2 pairs of pants
My 8 month old, who has no where to go-
How to be a Canadian:
1) Love hockey
2) Use good manners
3) Drink Tim Hortons
4) Live in a igloo
5) Hunt moose with stick
Snack for election night!
Laverne, at age 11, has learned that she can nip people to get their attention. It’s cool that she can still learn new things but why are these things never “being nice”
[giraffe party]
me: see?! i told you…
wife: honey, it’s fine.
me: *scanning room for another giraffe wearing his tie up by his head* nope. i’m moving mine down.
My favorite Tacobell menu item is the cheesy *checks google translate* little chubby girl crunch
BREAKING: area man is calculated by height times width
The only time I miss masking is after I’ve eaten an Oreo
Wife: When lock down is over, we should take the family out
Me: *Sharpening knife* Good idea, I’ve always hated Uncle Geoff
Him: If you’re so smart, name all 50 states!
Me: Drunken, Stoned, tipsy, sad, happy, sloppy, loved, confused, exhausted, ecstatic, fatigued…
Him: Ok,enough FFS.
Me: oooo, angry!
You couldn’t make Blazing saddles today. it took way more than a day to make that movie.. and it’s like 10:00 right now.
if a staircase can spiral so can i.
I’ll get a 5-mile queue at my coffin but it will be all collection agencies making sure I’m really dead.
“My god…we’re monsters,” I murmured to a local monster, who nodded sympathetically
“NO, YOU CANNOT HAVE CANDY FOR BREAKFAST!” my children yell at me.