Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

has anything been recalled more than romaine? honest question

GOD: [reviewing solar system] hmm… i’ll give it 5 stars
EARTH: [imediately starts screamig due to masive gravitational pull of 4 new stars]

My sports team is better than your sports team!
“Is not!”
Is too!
“IS NOT!”
*pulls out giant foam finger*
Whoa man, be cool

deleting dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (he and his donkey rescue me from a tower guarded by a dragon)

Had a big fall out with wife and ended up sleeping in my office for a week. Boss saw I was still there when she left each night and there before her each morning and gave me a promotion. Wife and I sorted things out too, best fight ever.

“Hello, can I speak to Mr Featherstonehaugh please?”
“How are you pronouncing that?”
“It doesn’t matter, this is a written joke”

Based on a tumblr post by fartgallery!

When my cousin came out as gay, his parents wanted him to see a psychiatrist.
Which is too bad.
Cuz he was already seeing a handsome lawyer.

happy to report that “what time is it/time for you to get a watch” is still being used by the youths

Olympics: carry this lit torch across the world

Smokey the bear: o hell no

This lesbian couple nailed their pregnancy announcement

Last Christmas, I gave you my heart, the very next day you told me you’re gay….

You know what doesn’t charge $20.00+/month and prevent you from sharing a password?

A book.

facebook is down so i am having to improvise

welcome to janurary 32nd everyone

Who has time to monitor followers/unfollowers?

I can barely keep track of my kids and I only have 1 of those.

Wait.

Two. I have 2 kids.

me: “i have designed the world’s first electric car specifically for owls”
reporter: “owls? is it popular?”
me: “it’s turning heads”

I think marriage should be between a robot and a spider horse because I’m a retarded man child and this is what I bring to the conversation.

Horse: so what happens if say, Fido were to break his leg?

Farmer: well we’d put a cast on him and he’d recover in a few weeks

Horse: oh thank God, because it’s actually me who broke my leg, and I had heard some pretty crazy rumors about hey woah is that thing loaded?

Girls greet each other normally the way I’d act if I saw a friend who I thought was dead.

My wife bought a rice cooker today. I guess we’re going to eat a ton of rice over the next few days and then never again.

TV doctor: You need to eat colourful foods for their vitamins and antioxidant properties

Me, eating a bowl of Skittles: *high fives myself

People in my office act like they’ve never seen someone in formal working pajamas before.

boss: what are you doing this weekend?

me: more like who 😉

boss: *sigh* who are you doing this weekend?

me: no one 🙁

The dog was pooping and before he finished a woman approached me and asked “Are you going to pick this up?” I picked it up and replied to her “I have no choice, this is my food”, and I walked away.

The “dining room”? Calm down, McDonald’s.

I think we can all agree if the ancient Egyptians had twitter there would be no pyramids.

Y’all think a holey cow makes swiss cheese?

I was going to fake my own death but I didn’t want to have to start a new Twitter account from scratch.