*discovering a dead body*
Friend: When I said call for help I kind of meant the police?
Me: Aww man…sorry dude, you heard him.
Guy from Blue’s Clues: I’m still getting paid right
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ME: my underwear is just two soft flour tortillas held together by electrical tape
INTERVIEWER [desperate]: ok and how about weaknesses
It’s a little sad that today’s youth don’t get to experience a red rubber dodgeball to the face like we did back in the day.
Listening to my mom tell a story is akin to a verbal version of Russian nesting dolls.
Just misread a headline ‘Trump wins big’ as ‘Trump bins wig’. I thought: ‘about time too’.
“Sorry, but none of my clothes fit today.” My date nods, and politely avoids looking at my towel and safety pins.
Ate a moldy blueberry.
Thought of you.
Asked my gf to buy me a 2-pack of socks and she came back with these wtf
my therapist: you aren’t the problem, everyone else is
me: oh wow, i’ve fooled you too
The Welsh language was invented by a dad losing at Scrabble.
announcing “i’m pregnant”
– pretty normal
– congratulations
– are you excited?screaming “there’s something inside of me”
– sounds dangerous
– we still talking about pregnancy?
– are you john hurt’s character from the hit film alien?
The best ways to spell the name Sean: 1. Sean 2. Shawn 3. Shaun 4. Chone 5. Shnzzang 6. Beans! 7. Ulurion 8. Shon?
Sexting is like reading a porn novel written by two lonely people who failed English in high school.
the moon landing, except it’s the moon, landing on earth. everyone is just as excited. at first.
zeus: my son hercules has the biggest, muscles of all
poseidon, holding a bucket of shellfish: i seem to have misunderstood the assignment
{first date}
Him: I’m 100% Italian.
*trying to impress him*
Me: Wow that’s so crazy my dad happens to be a calzone
Sweep her off her feet, but not like the bad guy from Karate Kid.
When I die, I want them to write that I died of supernatural causes, but offer no explanation.
Today I cleared cache and deleted cookies without making nom nom nom cookie monster noises. Because I’m a grown up.
Jk. SNACK TIME! NOM NOM NOM
Don’t mess with me man, I will put glitter on everything you love.
Don’t judge me because I only have $4 in my pocket.
Judge me because I stole it off my daughter’s night stand.
Due to inflation, a picture is now worth 2370 words.
I had a sex dream about my wife last night…except her hair was black instead of blonde…and she looked a lot like my hot neighbor Karen.
Cause of death: Zumba
I always close the door to the bathroom even if I’m home alone. What if someone broke in and saw me peeing? That would be so embarrassing
it’s been 10 years since the rumour came out…
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
every For Him gift guide is just like “have you considered sock?? what about TOOL??“
“Over my dead body” doesn’t mean “no.” It means I get to do what I want and as a bonus I get to kill you.
I found an extra $9 in the bank! Get dressed baby we’re going to Little Caeser’s!
Cops should stop the use of dogs.
There are other trainable, vicious animals with a terrific sense of smell.
No one would mess with a police bear.