*discovering a dead body*
Friend: When I said call for help I kind of meant the police?
Me: Aww man…sorry dude, you heard him.
Guy from Blue’s Clues: I’m still getting paid right
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“if your electricity goes out, you come see me before you do anything else.”
-fuse box on a power trip.
(Halloween Costume Shop)
ME: *leaving after not finding anything*
CASHIER: *pointing to my face* Those masks aren’t free, buddy.
Does racism still exist? Let’s go to this panel of white people to find out.
We went to the planetarium today and when the voiceover said “this is the earth” one of the kids booed
r/relationship_advice
Recently my gf has been saying that I look “tender” and “scrumptious”. the other day I caught her googling “cauldron big enough to fit person”
No one told me about Snapchat filters so all this time I’ve just been taping animals to my face.
A child stared at me for ten minutes before he asked what that was on my face
His mum replied ‘that’s a beard’I was that kid’s first beard
For my next trick I will bust 8 kneecaps with a single kick.
*steps on a spider*
why pay a therapist to pinpoint your flaws when people on Twitter will tell you for free
How much would you have to pay a teacher to flunk your kid so he has to go to Summer School? Just planning ahead…
cats have been bothering their humans since the dawn of time
When I tell my dental hygienist that I floss regularly, I’m lying through my teeth.
Me: Can you tell the girl in the white dress I think she’s hot?
Priest: Absolutely not
Twitter: your jokes suck
Instagram: your face sucks
Snapchat: your life sucks
Facebook: your family misses you and is also racist
Just ate an order of cheese fries and smoke started coming out of my Fitbit.
Why don’t you get back in your little car with lights and pull over someone who cares.
I work with a guy from Mexico who doesn’t speak a lot of English. A Canadian goose made a nest by one of the paddock gates and hissed at him while he was putting horses out. He comes back to us after and says, “I do not like the cobra chicken.”
*Infinite space outside*
A fly: I’m gonna nail this chick’s eardrum!
Printer ink is expensive
I’m not signing up for the 401k, there’s no way I can run that far.
Me: would you trade me for a younger woman?
H: oh honey age doesn’t matter! I’d trade for someone who doesn’t talk through the game.
Him: What? I couldn’t understand you.
Me: gnbkfshbffjjg
H: What?!
Me: GNBKFSHBFFJJG!
H: Damnit Aimee! Take the burrito out of your mouth!
This is sending me to another galaxy
me to wife: the mailman refuses to deliver mail here anymore
me three days ago: I should build replicas of all the traps in home alone
I began speaking English with a French intonation after a fender bender. Well, I guess accents will happen.
bananaphobia: when you don’t have any nagging fears but your therapist puts you on the spot so you pick whatever you had for breakfast
HUSBAND 911: what your emergency?
ME: my wife hears everything
HUSBAND 911: do I?
ME: what?
HUSBAND 911: what?
Caught my daughter eating 6 mini cupcakes and I should probably ground her but if you think about it it’s really like 2 cupcakes so I’m fine with it.
Walking into WalMart with my kids, “Remember, kids – use your Target voices.”
I showed my kids how to use encyclopedias. I stacked four of them to reach something on the top shelf.