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Love is a can of soda. Open it up too fast & it explodes all over you. Take too long, it goes flat. But no matter what you should recycle.
Your hands aren’t tied down when you’re at the dentist, you’re allowed to put your hands in his mouth too.
No matter how handsome/beautiful you are, your passport picture or ID card will always find ways to humble you
My friend sent me an invitation to an “Interactive Murder Mystery Dinner” which is great because I’ve always wanted to decline one of those.
The restaurant scene from When Harry Met Sally, but just me getting a pat down from airport security.
I don’t get it. EVERYTHING we do is for money. Why does society condemn it for sex? DAD: Um, okay. Maybe someone ELSE wants to say grace?
Point blank tho, never met a turtle I didn’t like. Sea, snapping, painted, teenage mutant ninja…
When someone asks me if I can do them a “solid”, I always answer with “my pleasure” before heading to the bathroom.
grandpa: ur father changed after the war
me: somtimes emojis i never use appear in my frequently used page and i dont kno how they got there
My kid criticized my handwriting on her birthday card so yes, all those hours of drug-free labor were totally worth it.
Today I’m approaching teens dressed like I’m from the future, locking eyes, and saying “Happy Presidents Day, sir” with a wink
Yes, 911, that guy just fed my house letters again.
‘Space Jam’ never gets old – that’s because in the sterile environment of space fruit preserves don’t spoil. Hi, I’m Neil deGrasse Tyson.
Me: *notices the tooth paste is low and buys a new tube.
Also me: *somehow makes that old tube last three more months.
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When an American says he has a side piece, I’m not sure if it’s a woman or a weapon.
Wife: Our daughter lied to me.
Me: What did I tell you about telling the truth?
5-year-old: It’s only for people who don’t have lawyers.
If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 to frown, how do we tell if someone’s happy and not just lazy?
Santa said I can’t have a pool boy ‘til I get a pool. Foiled again.
Marriage Counselor: Maybe you should change your responses to the things your wife says.
Me: Fine, I can do that.*two days later*
Her: Do these jeans make me look fat?
Me: Yep.
[Gives husband a list for groceries]
He brings home 1/2 of what’s on the list and someone else’s kid.
cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food
i can always see the flash of disappointment n a guy’s face when i tell them i have a great relationship with my dad.
Have kids so they can wake you at 2 a.m. yelling with what you think is a nightmare and your adrenaline spikes as you rush to their room worried and ready to console them but instead find out they’re just complaining that “it’s too boring in here”
[wife gets home & sees shit on the rug]
What’s this?“It was Rover he w..”
*dog makes throat slice gesture*“It was me. I shit on the rug”
My husband will prove that he knows all the lines of a movie by saying them before the character in the movie says them, but when I do it while watching a murder documentary it’s creepy.
[At the Dr]
Me: but the voices won’t stop.
Dr: those are people, they’re allowed to talk.
Seems legit
“Everything’s fine,” the babysitter said into the phone. “But can I cover up the weird clown statue in your hallway?”
“Get out of the house, I’m calling the police,” the father urgently replied. “You have disrespected my clown statue and I hate you.”