Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me at 14: *reads three Harry Potter books in one day*

Me at 27: *sees a text that’s longer than 2 sentences* holy shit, I just do not have the time for this

Imagine my surprise at the school Thanksgiving “costume” party, when I showed up as Poison Ivy and everyone else was dressed as pilgrims.

Websites: “Please choose a password with 12 characters, three symbols, no spaces, no repeated letters, and nothing you’ve used in the last 6 months.”

ATMs: “Four numbers is cool.”

*getting sexy boudoir photos taken for my husband*

Photographer: Ma’am, in the next shot, could you please put down the cheeseburger?

Me: Let’s go outside & make love in the rain.

Her: What if there’s lightning?

Me: Then you get to be on top…

If you feel hopeless about the world and your place in it, I can recommend something. Turn off all electronic devices, close your eyes, and sit still for 5 minutes. It won’t help, but now you’re 5 minutes closer to being dead and not having to worry about it.

[on the club dancefloor]

DATE: *shouting over music* I LIKE A MAN WHO’S… COORDINATED

ME: MY SHIRT MATCHES MY UNDERWEAR

ME: No idea why I can’t sleep right now

FOUR EMPTY CUPS OF COFFEE: uhhh—

ME: [avoiding eye contact] No idea at all

*record scratch*

Me: Yeah, that’s me. You’re probably wondering how I ended up in this situatio…

Crowd: Boooo! Damn this dj suuuuucks

Make sure to wash your hands before AND after you eat the rich

[Pitching my idea]
HEAD WRITER [sighing] This isn’t just the plot of Ratatouille again, is it?
ME: Excuse me, I do have other ideas

[Painfully long pause]

ME: So there’s this badger that loves cooking

Bro what is this

Looking for my glasses that my 5yo hid, but not having much success because I CAN’T FIND MY GLASSES.

If the whole world smoked a joint at the same time, There would be world peace for at least two hours. Followed by a global food shortage..

Autocorrect just changed “lady parts” to “lazy parts” and I didn’t wanna change it back because it’s not wrong, to be honest.

[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back

Apparently telling your spouse “we’re going down” as you wake them up from their nap as the plane is landing is not appreciated. Oops

My husband and I often laugh about how competitive we are, but I laugh more.

Paste is one of those weird things that only seem to exist until Kindergarten and then disappears forever.

My phone has been on silent since 2015 but will still check to see if it’s my phone if I hear a phone ring in public

This Obama guy is the worst rapper ever.

i don’t get why IDs expire as proof of identification. ima always be me, right? right???? what does the govt know that i don’t

I think I could be a pretty good boxer as long as the other guy isn’t allowed to hit me.

Spent $20 on face coverings for my kids but I’m saving thousands of dollars on braces.

My husband asked if I wanted to do something fun today so I left him home with the kids.

Marriage is easy.

Exact revenge because who wants to approximate revenge?

Spreads legs… Nope

Spreads two other legs …. Nope

Spreads two others …. Dammit, no

Spreads last two…. BINGO!!

– spider sex

The lack of proof that Robert Downey Jr is stalking me just convinces me that he is very good at it.

My resignation letter to HR will be delivered via glitter bomb