Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cat scientists are hard at work trying to solve the mystery of why humans usually walk across an entire room without abruptly deciding to lie on the floor.

“Look, I’m not going to sugar coat it.”
-why my donut shop failed

Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.

Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I invited a couple to a party that she’s planning without telling her.

I’m planning to save money on Christmas gifts this year by wrapping up all the toys my toddler dropped behind the couch.

Me: your honor, my client is criminally insane

Judge: you’re representing yourself

I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.

Uhh, hells yeah Id like to participate in your brief survey.

Her: You have a cigarette machine in your kitchen?

Me: Well it would look ridiculous in the living room…

Any family visit eventually has the Agatha Christie detective moment where someone explains at length whose fault it is everyone has a cold.

Both ‘Horrid’ and ‘Crummy’ are underrated descriptions. Teach your children Victorian adjectives and be eternally amused.

If you pretend you’re skimming you can straight up throw rocks at people.

Me: Can you help me with something?

Her: Not right now. I’m taking a nap.

Me: But your eyes are open and your phone is playing game music…

Her: Sshhhh, I’m sleeping!

Listen. You’ve been saying this for the last eight and a half months. I still don’t know what you’re “expecting”

@funTweeters thanks so much!! 😘

[shopping for make-up]
“Excuse me, what will make my eyes pop?”
“I know exactly what you need.”
[boots you into the vacuum of deep space]

Thoughts and prayers for my mom, she’s really struggling with my weight

My signature move is getting drunk before anyone can ask me to be the designated driver.

My dad did not let me watch Dexter’s Labratory because he said it was unrealistic. “A lab that size would absolutely devastate the foundation of the house” he would say.

My term for half of a 13×9 pan of brownies is “dessert”.

My term for the other half is “breakfast”.

Dressing up for Halloween is just a way of saying “I want to be uncomfortable for an entire evening in the hopes of answering the same question a hundred times.”

the only reason sharks haven’t built an advanced civilization yet is because they’ll die if they stop swimming. they simply have no time to scribe laws or lay bricks or invent pottery

Irony:
My overweight dog can convince you she has completed 28 days on “Survivor” and NEEDS your sandwich just by staring at you.
And you believe her.

Current anxiety level: kindergartner who can’t unbutton his pants

[Lawyer]
“I can’t stress this enough. You cannot plead that you’re a wizard ok?”
“ok”
[Later in court]
“I plead that im a wizard your honor”

[hears baby crying in the next room]
“It’s ok, I’ll go.”
[gets in car & goes to a motel]

the only way to kill that french vampire is by stabbing him with a baguette, I said painstakingly

Phone: face not recognized
Me: *starts crying*
Phone: Ahh there it is