Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “She didn’t like me.”

Feeling a little guilty about looking for a new laptop on my laptop.

Five parrots separated at British zoo after they wouldn’t stop swearing at guests

this is my favourite piece of literary criticism of all time

Friday, Friday, all gonna die next Friday. Everybody’s gettin’ ready for the world’s end. Gotta make My mind up: Which souls should I take?

My new erotic novel “Love in the time of autocorrect” will be out soon. Here is a sample

Wife: You should’ve written your best man speech
Me: Relax I can freestyle

[Wedding]
Me: On Dave and Sarah’s big day, I’d like to
Dave *whispers in my ear*
Me: On Dave and Rebecca’s big day

[fire]

EVERYONE REMAIN CALM.
Use the stairs.
DO NOT use the elevators.

We’re on the 12th floor…
*sigh*
I guess I’m dying in a fire.

[coffee shop]

ME: [hanging up a flyer for my band]

CUTE GIRL: Is that your band?

ME: No it’s a flyer

First day of packing for a move: *dresses each Barbie before putting them in a box*

Second day of packing for a move: *dumps entire contents of desk drawer into Target bag and ties it up with USB cord*

I bet Columbus was super pissed when he rolled up in the Santa María only to find Dora had already explored America.

Patient: What is this?! Are you playing stupid with me girly?!
Me: I don’t play stupid
*slams fist on table* I EXCEL AT IT
Patient, now panicking: Wait what?

Due to inflation the number of the beast is now 812. Please adjust your satanic rituals accordingly.

When she told me, “You’re best to try and get out in front of it,” I didn’t realize she was referring to a large truck…

I hate when people ask me if I’m all ready for Christmas. No Susan. I’m not even ready for today.

My role in family now primarily consists of walking around the home shouting, “ONLY ONE PAPER TOWEL!” anytime anyone approaches the roll.

I always wonder what the nurses reaction was like after I leave a half eaten sandwich in a coma patients hand.

The perfect Venn diagram doesn’t exis-

8-year-old oversleeping in 1910: oh beans da boss at the poison factory is sure gonna be steamed at me

[first day as a juror] *applying lipstick* which way is the hung jury

there are 2 wolves inside me, but please no one tell my landlord

5 shots + 18 beers = 6 apologies

ADVERT: Have you been involved in an accident at work…

*looks up from hospital bed*

ADVERT: …that wasn’t your fault…

ME: Oh.

Friend: do you regret becoming a father?

Me: no way. I wouldn’t trade it for anything in the world.

Friend: you want the rest of my fries?

Me: touché…*mouth full of fries* touché.

No one is more full of crap than a parent who threatens to take away electronics for a week.

[Mad scientist lamenting]

“All that work, trying to create
a perfect palindrome ..wasted!

DAMMIT I’M MAD !”

(Pauses)

“Hey…wait

*pronounces “vaseline” like “baseline”*

The weather is so hot that it gave me the wrong phone number.