discovering that i’ve become kind of a savant for determining if checked baggage is under the weight limit because 23kg is just a bit under the weight of a full 20L keg. just one of the many positive things beer has given me
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Bought a cat collar with a bell on it, and now I can’t sneak up on the cat to put it on her.
*yells at husband*
I can’t make it fit! It won’t fit!
Him: Just turn it a little.
Me: *screams in excitement*
We finished the puzzle!!
[pharmacy]
“Can I help you?”
Yeah, could you recommend anything over the counter for this?
*lifts shirt to reveal 7 fresh gunshot wounds*
My twins’ pre school taught them both how to sing Baby Shark in French so I’m just checking do I sue for double the amount or…
A dog opens the front door.
Wearing a suit, he drops his briefcase, walks to the couch, and crashes next to his owner.
“Hey, buddy. How was work?”
And the dog goes “RUFF.”
get yer dragons here! get yer dragons… I have menthol and non-menthol, get yer dragons!!
If you love something, give it a really embarrassing haircut. At least, I assume that was my mom’s motto.
Want to binge on sugar but all I’ve got are gummy vitamins so I’m about to get mad healthy
“People are acting crazy” says the interviewed shopper with the shopping cart piled high.
Ain’t no way
Depraved Masochist Enjoys Following The News
Panda: am I too pudgy?
God: I have a better question.
Panda: ok.
God: what’s black and white and red all over?
Panda: I don’t know.
God: it’s you.
Panda: b-but I’m not red.
God: [leans in] you’re perfect just the way you are.
Panda: [blushing].
My new neighbour is breaking the law by making noise every night after 11. Do I call the police for this or confront the newborn directly?
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I don’t even know why I exist.
I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one today.
Anyway. Monkey for sale.
GROUND CONTROL: Oh goddamit, it looks like Major Tom is going to sing through this whole mission. Pull the circuit.
MAJOR TOM: 🎶 the circuit’s dead, there’s something wrong
3 fought tooth and nail over not putting on pants under a dress this morning. I explained it was weather appropriate.
3: How about I put them on now and take them off at school?
She’s going to crush high school.
[first date]
-so how do you feel about octopus?
Her: I like em
-Whew! [lets other six arms fall out of shirt]
yall pray for me, nothing’s wrong im just in college
Finally! 😈
MMA – where men fight other men in their underpants.
When my wife says she’s going to throw away a dessert, I turn into Gollum sooooooo fast
shout out to camera phones not being invented until well after my glo-stick period
It sucks that boomers got sports cars for their mid-life crisis but I’m probably just gonna start playing World of Warcraft again
WIFE: look at that couple. He kisses his girl every time he sees her. Why can’t you do that
ME: I’d love to but I don’t know her well enough
My uncle used to bet me a root beer that I couldn’t sit quietly in the car in the casino parking lot. I ALWAYS won lmao
All I’m saying is that I’ve chaperoned a 25 student class field trip and you’re definitely in trouble if you lose even one of them.
I’m starting to suspect the cat knows more than she’s letting on but I’ll never know because she’s changed the passcode to get into her laboratory.
If my dad were alive today he would say, “Mark stop telling people I’m dead”