*discretely picks a booger*
*slyly wipes it on her blouse*
Funeral Director: Sir, we can see you and narrating it just makes it worse.
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How long do you have to stop eating a meal before calling it leftovers?
My son asked why my legs are “so fat.” You’re damn right I’m here for validation.
Walking around cemeteries looking at headstones is a great way to come up with baby names.
I either text back right away or never, because I saw your text, replied in my head but forgot to actually type it.
“you changed, bro” yeah no shit i’m a cockroach. please help me out of bed
Elephant: wow I’m huge, what do I eat?
God: peanuts
Elephant: what?
God: *remembering Mr. Peanut breaking up with him over text*
Elephant:
God: all of them
If your teens are arguing about the best way to cut sandwiches while holding super sharp knives, it’s a good time to remind them that you can only afford college for one anyway.
My wife asked me if I have plans for the weekend. It’s like she doesn’t even read my weekly newsletter.
doctor: your heart rate is a little high, have you exercised today?
me: does sex count?
doctor: yes
me: then no
Mr. Trump, what will you do as President?
TRUMP: I’ll outlaw shredded cheese and only sell blocks
Why?
TRUMP: To make America grate again
Anytime I’m using a stall in a public restroom and someone knocks on the door, I always say, “Did you bring the lube?” As loud as possible.
[Bowling Alley]
“I’m sorry sir, but we don’t have any bowling shoes left”
*gestures towards a happy family of centipedes bowling*
not a day goes by that i don’t think about dying and then accidentally getting sent to squirrel heaven
You know, sometimes bad things happen to exactly the right people.
A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light
Local News: GREG JOHNSON, 41, ESCAPES BEING EATEN BY BEAR
Bear News: FOOD NAMED GARG RUNS FROM LUNCHTIME
I drink Rockstar cause I’m a rockstar. My wife drinks Monster.
My Comcast internet goes down so often that it’s started an OnlyFans account.
For $100 I will FaceTime you in scrubs on Thanksgiving and pretend to be your boyfriend that couldn’t make it because he had to work in the hospital
I want to rub myself all over you like a dog rolling in a dead raccoon.
SALT: ahh push it
PEPA: ahh push it
OBGYN: ahh push it{two minutes later} ooh baby baby
5yo: Can you cut this apple differently than how you normally do?
Me: *cuts it differently*
5yo: *doesn’t eat apple*
Me: Why aren’t you eating it?
5yo: Because it’s not the same!
If you need me, I’m in bed snuggling with my emotional support Funyuns.
Sure sex is great but have you ever made the right amount of rice?
I don’t tweet for attention, I jog in a wedding dress
is the plural of judas judasses or judi
Whoever you are, you can’t deny that
Harry Potter & the Fallopian Tubes
sounds like a legitimate title.
Don’t act like you wouldn’t read it.
I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5
“WHEN ARE U DUE?” WHAT DIFFERENCE COULD IT POSSIBLY MAKE IN YOUR LIFE AS A STRANGER AT THE GROCERY STORE
People make the mistake of keeping aubergines in the fridge, when in fact they should be kept in the bin