*discretely picks a booger*
*slyly wipes it on her blouse*
Funeral Director: Sir, we can see you and narrating it just makes it worse.
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me: wanna hear a joke about a guy who questions everything
her: sure
me: why
They’re not called “butt hole mirrors.” They’re called “hand mirrors,” according to this clerk at Walgreens.
Her: hear that?
Me: nope
Her: what if someone’s is trying to get in to murder me?
Me: only person that wants to murder you is already inside
Wife: [looking off into the distance] Babe, what do you really want in this life?
Me: I want what Link & Zelda have.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: [after a long moment] the master sword?
Me: yes.
I have a spider bite in my ear, which brings up the even more disturbing point: there was a spider in my ear
“Sorbet” is a French word that means, “I wish it was ice cream.”
A 5-year-old just asked me if I’d ever heard of algae. You bet I have you little weirdo!
This is Manny. Every single time he chews on his ball, it goes flying out of his mouth. And every single time, he is surprised. 13/10
you’ve never seen climate change and peppa pig in the same room have you.
Me: We were supposed share that bag of chips.
Her: It was mostly air.
Me:
Her: I saved you that part.
Our youngest son graduated with a bachelor’s degree in English. We bought him a car because we’re proud of him. And because he’ll probably have to live in it.
boss: what are u doing
me: *pretends to read email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read email”
To celebrate Boxing Day on Friday, I had a five minute training montage and beat the shit out of the biggest Russian I could find …
Therapist: would you say you’re making time for self-care as a stay at home mom?
Me: yesterday I didn’t realize my pants were on inside out until lunchtime.
Cop: My informant told me where the killer is
Chief: Nice. Did he give you a name?
Cop: No chief *frowns* my parents did that
Twitter: Worchest… Worce… Woostishire, haha this word is so hard to spell, am I right?
Also Twitter: GIMME ALL THE SRIRACHA
I had big plans to sleep in until 7, but my bladder canceled.
[throwing out the baby]
Me: Oh shit, my bathwater!
“Pick a card, any card, make sure you memorize it, now put it back with the rest”: me, with my wife at the Hallmark Store on Valentine’s Day
Instead of going to couples therapy, married people should just join Tinder and see what a nightmare single people have to deal with
“It’s too late. You can’t stop it now.”
– Every villain in every single movie moments before the hero stops them now
Last night I watched a pirated movie. On a scale of 1-10 I’d have to give it 3.14159265359
*My wife being frustrated by my kids*
Wife: Can you just give me 2 seconds to myself?
8YO: 1, 2. Now can I have snack?
*puts one hand on hip, sips tea, stares out of the window at the rain*
“This is just ridiculous”
Tried escaping the morning crazies by drinking my coffee on the patio but it turns out the morning crazies have legs and arms and they just followed me out there
My favorite part of Thanksgiving is the pumpkin pie, I bought one of those ginormous ones from Costco and offered everyone else peach pie.
All peanut butter is crunchy if you mix chocolate chips into it.
Local fire department burns down all the houses as a preventative measure.
FBI: I can’t unlock my phone
Genius: is that a fake mustache over your mustache?
FBI into earpiece: Operation Twostache has been compromised