*discretely picks a booger*
*slyly wipes it on her blouse*
Funeral Director: Sir, we can see you and narrating it just makes it worse.
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Our dog jumped on my phone while I was checking Outlook and deleted an entire folder of work emails, so I’ve hired her as my personal assistant
When you get to my age, your milkshake still brings boys to the yard, but they’re like “I’m lactose intolerant.”
Quarantine, day 14. Me and my boyfriend spent the whole day setting up an art gallery for our gerbil.
[special ops briefing]
Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out
The best way to get me to agree with you is to be attractive.
Oh, you didn’t have any taste before Covid either, honey
Me: I had a nightmare that someone broke into our house and tried to steal our kids
Husband: What’s the nightmare part?
My youngest son can grow a beard even though his father can’t.
Score 1, for my facial hair producing genes.
Directions on tooth whitener say avoid coffee, red wine and cola. If I could do that, why would I need whitener?
I hate it when I’m in a rage and suddenly remember I’m not wealthy so I can’t hurl expensive bone china into the fireplace.
I was reading a book with my 7yo where a teacher was getting married and INVITED ALL HER STUDENTS and then the students started SECRETLY PLANNING THE WEDDING to help out and I was so stressed out like “wtf, how is this gonna pan out, these kids don’t know how to hire a band”
Me: *deals cards* okay boys what’ll it be
Quarterback: i pass
Roofer: i raise
Telemarketer: i call
Optometrist: i see
Origami Artist: i fold
COP: do you know why I pulled you over
ME: knock knock
COP: who’s there
ME: do you know why I pulled you over
COP: *begins to sweat* n..no
Why do we call it losing weight instead of lightening up?
Don’t drive me crazy… unicycle me there. Show some originality, man!
it’s dangerous to go alone. take this with you
My sweet granny could remember tunes but not lyrics ,so I used to happily fall asleep with ”Hush now baby don’t you shout, I’ll open the window, and throw you out” . Don’t judge
Could you even imagine the crime rate if no one drank coffee or ate bacon.
Did someone text back with just “K”? You know what you should do? Stop texting them dumb shit.
[throws dirty diaper away]
– OMG WHAT R U DOING?!
– it’s gross im not touching that
– GET THE BABY OUT OF THE TRASH & CHANGE IT!
– ugh, fine
I used to think Calculus was confusing, then I read your last tweet.
INVENTOR OF GLUE: I bet if we melt that horse we could use it to stick stuff to other stuff.
TIM: Dude…is everything okay at home?
massive power vacuum on bluesky atm and i aim to fill it
I’m just a girl, yodeling at the top of my lungs, until someone agrees to give me this latte for free.
I’m confused about plants
Alright pregnant ladies-this is YOUR BIG DAY!!!!!!
#LaborDay
[Job interview]
“How would you describe yourself?”
“I’d use the appropriate adjectives.”
“Anything else?”
“Over-literal sometimes.”
My advice for new parents is that when you feed your child their first chicken nugget to go ahead and start preparing your answer to the question “is this chicken like the animal chicken?” cause that moment is coming.
The label on the pack of the supplements I just bought says “Keep in a dark place”, so I stored it in my memories.
Me: have i eaten refried beans right out of the can? yes. did i commit light treason in the 80s using my american express traveler’s checks? maybe. do i try to steal one thing every time i go to the grocery store? absolutely
judge: juror number four, you’re excused