*discretely picks a booger*
*slyly wipes it on her blouse*
Funeral Director: Sir, we can see you and narrating it just makes it worse.
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Seeing someone’s false eye lash fall off is awkward. I never know if I should catch it or kill it.
[sinking in quicksand]
me: oh no
wife: we’ll be fine if we just remain still and wait for help
me: ok
[mambo no. 5 starts to play]
me: OH NO
Husband “I thought you were dieting?”
Me “I am”
Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”
Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See – Dieting”
constantly working on myself.
My friend’s company gave harmonica keychains to the kids at the family holiday party because they apparently want their employees to hate being at home more than they hate being at work.
On a ladder putting a cinema poster up.
Lady said “Is King Kong Coming?”
I said “No it’s just the paste off my brush”
All these new parents wanting time to slow down, and I’m over here trying to get a fake ID for my 4YO so she can go buy Mommy’s wine.
Linda longed to linger longer, but the alliteration police were nearly onto her
fish genie: wait, did i just grant you three wishes
me: *rich, handsome, and enjoying world peace* errm, no
murderer: run if you want to live
me: *starts sprinting*
murderer: not like toward me tho
I’m having an out of money experience.
A dressed cheeseburger implies the existence of a cheeseburger that’s still deciding what to wear.
UBER: Sounds better than “Let’s get in this strange man’s car!”
DATE: Do you like sports?
ME: *nervously* Sure.
DATE: What’s your favorite sport?
ME: *panicking* Panicking.
When I was 22 I’d stay up late and wake up early just so I could fit more in my day
Now if there’s more than 2 things on my agenda I need a nap
The only way anyone should die is “mysteriously.” It just makes for better stories. “He lived a long, full life and died peacefully in his sleep.” Lame. Boring. A waste. “He lived a long, full life and disappeared in Panama, leaving enigmatic clues.” Excellent. Superb. No notes.
Pizza is an emotion right?
[at the club]
Me: …everyone seemed to be just fine with Superman wearing red knee high boots
Her: Just take them off
got my wisdom teeth removed.
surgeon just came to my house and stole my college degree, has this happened to anyone else
I don’t know who put chairs in the elevator, but that’s a kind of laziness that I can respect.
debt collector: your bill is outstanding
duck: thank you
Everyone thinks they will be the first person in history to maintain their dignity while posting online.
“Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?”
Well, Katy, I’m thin, weak, white, and I hurt the environment so I guess that’s a pretty apt simile
When you think about it, ‘I’ll pray for you’ is essentially saying ‘I’ll talk to myself about your problem’. Good luck!
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, shame on me
Fool me three times, I’m never sending you nudes again.
9yr old poured milk on the cat. When I asked why he said “He’s thirsty and likes to lick himself.” I couldn’t argue with that.
NEVER LET THE PUBLIC NAME STUFF.
If a company’s hiring sign says, “Come grow with us,” you’re about to do the work of 3-5 people.
My favorite thing about summer is opening your window for 30 seconds so an insect that hasn’t been identified by science yet can fly into your home.
[cleaning the garage]
ME: just sweep all the dirt and leaves into the driveway
12YO: ok which app do I use
ME: it’s a push broom, there’s no app
12YO: is it on mom’s phone
ME: no app. push. the. broom.
12YO:
ME:
12YO: so should i download it