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Auditioning for a commercial:
Me: Mmm. So delicious. I don’t believe it’s not butter.
Director: Cut, cut! It’s can’t. The word is can’t. Ok? And action.
Me: Mmm. So delicious. I don’t believe it’s not can’t.
Just saw that my wife was googling ballroom dancing lessons and now I’m hoping that she’s having an affair.
*opens briefcase and presentation about 9/11 conspiracies falls out*
But that means
[cut to my son giving presentation about cool dinosaurs]
Judge: I sentence you to life in prison
Defendant: NOOOO MY ONLINE PRESENCE
Office Tip: If you have an even slightly more advanced understanding of Excel, do not, I repeat, do not share this secret with your coworkers.
I feel a deep connection to librarians because I also love telling people to shut up.
Husband made it clear years ago he has no interest in assembling anything but I really wanted a hammock for the backyard.
Guys, I put it together myself! It was so easy. And it came with all these extra parts!
Parenting’s First Law of Physics:
An object in motion ends up resting on the floor until there’s an argument over who should pick it up.
“Matter cannot be created nor destroyed…”
Then explain to me why my kids can manage to turn a bathtub full of water into four bathtubs of water outside of said tub?
*walks into a nuclear power plant
Do you serve fission chips?
I’ll see myself out..
Murphy’s Law – If it can go wrong, it will go wrong. Cole’s Law – shredded cabbage in mayo
If you hit a person with a Tesla
will you be charged for battery?#OneLinersDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
RABBIT HUSBAND: You look even better after a full day of work. I don’t know how you do it, honey.
RABBIT WIFE: They test cosmetics on me.
It’s the embarrassment, not the blunt force trauma that kills you when you’re hit by a Smart car.
Cop: we have you surrounded come out with your hands up
Stick Figure: lol
Cop: wait are you surrendering or laughing right now
You ever rub yourself with tuna and go to a cat shelter to seem like you’re a cat whisperer?
Doc: We’re gonna need a bigger straightjacket.
Oh, man. My grandma caught me texting my OTHER grandma and now things are super tense.
lawyer: juror number four why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?
me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency.
[invention of croutons]
Let’s make eating salad hurt
Fun fact: Girls who tweet about sports will not do that thing you like.
me: every time you guys don’t listen to us I get to burn a Christmas present in the fireplace.
8: well then you’ll just be wasting your own money.
Well shit.
“You CAN even.”
– white girl life coach
Don’t you hate it when you leave your gym bag in the hot car and all your Hershey Bars melt?
Gang Leader: did you do the drive by?
Me: *holding milkshakes* what
This year, I’ll be haunting my own house to see if I can scare these people away.
The “eye for an eye” philosophy isn’t exactly a level playing field if your grievance is with a cyclops.
You drink WAY too much, and you have questionable morals . . .
me talking to myself in the mirror before going out at night .
Jehovah’s Witness’: Have you given any thought to the afterlife?
Me: Depends, are you two gonna be there?
J.W: Why yes..
[slams the door]
I love when I learn a new word and use it for the embourgeoisement of my vocabulary
Whoa, whoa whoa…
I only lick people on the street when I need them to get out of my way.