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Everybody: Jurassic Park is a terrible idea and we are all gonna die violently
John Hammond: You have no vision
[Later, everyone is dead]
John Hammond: The important thing to remember is this is nobody’s fault and none of us could have predicted this
When young and in college, still living at home, I invited my little sister into the room to chat while I wrapped presents. She might have lasted 2 minutes before uttering a disgusted “Give me that!” and taking over. So one year in 60 my presents have looked good.
You know you’ve mastered marriage when you shout to your husband, “Take the thing off the thing,” and he immediately removes the tin foil from the baking sheet.
Them: You want the truth?
Me: No thanks, I’m trying to cut back.
Eggs come out of the carton left to right, buddy. Not all willy-nilly like some crazy person who hates America.
For a cheap high after age 30, just squat down for a few minutes, then stand up really quickly.
North Korea is like that annoying kid in high school who was always threatening you with nuclear weapons
‘THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU!’
~me, parenting teens
sometimes i remember i was part of the nsa hack back in spring / that all my data is currently floating around china and i’m like “cool”
step 1. log onto instagram
step 2. find wedding day hashtags, ex. “SmithWedding2014”
step 3. use hashtag
step 4. post pictures of yaks
Dracula: I vant to suck your blood
Me: well technically, no — you don’t suck what you’re drinking. You want to suck my NECK
Dracula: vhoa
[Army Shooting Range]
Officer: Are you locked & loaded?
Soldiers: YES SIR!
Officer: You may fire at will!
Soldier Named Will: WTF?
If Jesus came back today, hipsters would be like “whatever Jesus, the book was better.”
Let’s normalize throwing bouquets at funerals to see whose next.
[someone breaks into the house]
Your dog: I will protect my family and our belongings
My dog: OMG OMG NEW FRIENDS HI I LOVE YOU LETS PLAY
I’m sorry I hurt your feelings. Here’s a bag of frozen peas for any swelling.
Just a reminder that nobody knew what was inside Willy Wonka’s factory when the contest happened. So people spent millions trying to find the golden ticket to witness what was most likely a standard assembly line operation.
My husband has Tourette’s Syndrome—
every time he drives.
Him: I think you pick fights with me to get out of doing things together
Me: That’s not true
H: Wanna go hiking
M: I don’t like your tone
Is there also a milkshake that will keep all the boys away from my yard?
Can you imagine being a cat and having to do this NINE times?!
BOUNCER FOR A COOL BAR: password?
Me: Midnight77
BOUNCER: great *grabs a poster board collage* now which one of these doesn’t contain a stop sign
[Dinosaur Rap Battle]
We’re gonna win this for sure!
“Wait, what kind of dinosaurs are we again?”
WE’RE RAPTORS! Jesus Christ Owen
i bet the first guy to say “smooth as a babies bottom” wasnt the most respected man in the community
hey joggers instead of those dumb little shorts you should wear batman costumes so I can feel like my neighborhood is protected
It’s Mental Health Day today.
– Sent from the app that literally causes anxiety.
I wonder if anyone ever told Hitler “just be yourself”.
I thought the CVS guy was going to ask me to join the rewards program but he said “enjoy your night” so I said “not today, thanks” and left.
I was tired of losing my glasses so I put them on a chain. Now my hair’s in a tight bun, there’s a used hanky in the sleeve of my cardigan and I lick my index finger every time I turn a page.
I wasted so many years trying to fit in, covering my accent, starving myself, straightening my hair, and trying to make others like me. The moment i realized that wasn’t freedom and said NO MORE, my entire life changed!! We are always enough as we are❤️