“discuss your ideas with the person next to you”


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If you asked me to bring a dish to your party,
just know that I snacked on it the whole way to your house.


This is a fake tweet, someone asked me to put their # in my phone so I’m pretending to add it to my contacts


I’ve been wearing the same clothes for almost 7 years now because a girl wrote “never change” in my middle school year book.


“if you slap kirby, does he jiggle?”

if you slap kirby, you die


My 84 mother to my 19: Make-up sure does wonders but you don’t want your future husband waking up wondering who you are in the morning.


me: well it’s technically the bride of frankenstein’s monster

hostage negotiator: we should get back on topic


JK ROWLING: dumbledore and grindelwald had sex

ME: lol

JK ROWLING: so did you and dobby

ME: what

JK ROWLING: you will never feel love like that again

ME: stop


My 4 year old kid doesn’t have an imaginary friend, he has an imaginary boss. He takes imaginary phone calls from his imaginary boss and has one-sided, exasperated conversations. We asked him once if his boss had a name and without missing a beat he said “Johnson.”