Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Judge: Call your next witness

Prosecutor: The state calls Shakira’s hips

Judge: *whispering to bailiff* You don’t have to swear this one in

Ex-wife died in a car wreck yesterday. Didn’t send flowers, thought might be weird to the family. That and didnt know other drivers address.

In 2058 the selfies became self aware and choose their own filters.

Sorry I got confused & grabbed your fist bump like a doorknob.

Coworker: I didn’t know you dip.

Me: *Puting a pinch of shredded cheese in my lip like chewing tabacco* Ugh, no. What a disgusting habit.

is Kristen Stewart a Vulcan

I bet newlyweds never wonder if their spouse is snoring that loud on purpose

Tired of true crime podcasts? Then check out my fake crime podcast. In the next episode I go into detail about how back in 1997, my grandma was mugged by a rhinoceros.

“I don’t want to sound ungrateful, Carl, but I think I’ll get the bus to work tomorrow”

Her: What do you look for in a relationship?

Me: A way out.

DOCTOR: Are you sexually active?
ME: No.
DOCTOR: Are you at least active?
ME: Also no.

It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.

We went to the planetarium today and when the voiceover said “this is the earth” one of the kids booed

being single sucks when u have to designate an emergency contact bc what? my dad’s gonna fly to burbank when i faint at a pilates studio?

Margot Robbie has welcomed her first child, a boy, People reports.

Sometimes u see the moon during the day and it’s like, wow, how embarrassing. Showed up early because you were bored? Get a life, nerd moon.

The man that loves to eat on a lounger by the pool is a manipooleater

Them: How long can you hold your breath?

Me: 20 years, apparently.

[first date]

HER: I really like a man who notices things.

ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.

Annoyance rankings:
1. bothersome
2. pet peeve
3. me watching people carrying obviously empty coffee cups on TV

my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse

I really like your LED headlights can I look at them with my hammer

Kids will interrupt your really important conversations to ask questions like, “which door do you think the zombies will come through? The front door or the back door?”

It’s curious how kids are always *really* hungry right before dinner and right after dinner, but never during actual dinner.

‘Us Weekly’ Wins Pulitzer For Outstanding Achievement In Photoshopping A Rip Between Divorced Celebrity Couple

thug: empty your pockets

me: (bursts into tears) women’s clothing doesn’t have pockets!

thug: I’m sorry for upsetting you. Here’s $30

me (sniffing): and where exactly am I supposed to put that?

Contrary to what you might have heard, running away solves absolutely everything.

[in court]
Judge: You’re the prosecutor?
Prosecutor: Yes.
Judge: So then who is this?
Me: (flips hair) I’m the prosecutest.

Sir newton: I like them ticcc AF

Students: but sir we can’t write that

Newton: ok then write this “the grater the mass the greater the force of attraction”

Can we go skydiving on our first date? I want to hear what you sound like when you think you might die.

-me, flirting