Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

too old for tik tok, too young for facebook, too weird for linkedin, not weird enough for reddit, too ugly for instagram…where will i go now

Good News: Your kid will finally eat something green. 

Bad News: It’s avocados, and now you have to take out a second mortgage.

No I don’t want to try your cranberry pie, my bladder is fine.

me missing my flight to montreal bc i didn’t know you needed a passport to go canada has become my ‘mispronounced word’ for my friends. whenever i’m about to do anything they go “do you need a passport?” it’s not even a funny joke. and i must live with it for the rest of my life

Interesting how Lassie always happens to be at the scene when a kid “falls” down a well.

I sometimes wonder how they decided what animals made the cut in the animal crackers.. who thought leaving out raccoons was a good call?

As a man with a beard, I can tell you, when you get sauce in there you just rub it in. It’s part of the beard now

INTERVIEWER: under skills you’ve listed “gets jokes” ME: haha, very good. good one sir, haha

Billy, 41, Aries, has been driving a city bus for 15 years but hopes to one day follow his dream and be a professional hand model. He enjoys country music and poker night with the boys. He is hoping to find someone willing to take a gamble on him and fix his achy breaky heart

Me: (to myself) what is wrong with you

Myself: (to me) oh like you don’t know

Did the math. Facebook is worth $100 billion and with 800 million users that puts the value of a life at $12.50. Never pay a hitman more.

If the radius of a pizza is Z and the thickness is A, then the volume of pizza is PI x Z x Z x A. #asianshowingoff

[in the backyard enjoying the morning sounds of nature] ahh the forest creatures are mad the football team lost.

Student email: “hello…”

Student extension request email: “your grace…”

Me: oh and I forgot to tell you…
My kid to his friend: you go on ahead, this is going to take a while

me: Go back!
uber driver: Did I miss the turn?
me [already in the front seat trying to find the station that was playing Taylor Swift]

Chutes and Ladders except it’s just me pushing you down the steps cause you said you didn’t want any pizza yet you helped yourself anyway

People at HIIT class who warm up before the trainer starts the warm up how warm do you really need to be?

[summoning the devil]

me: come to us!

satan: [rising from floor] who summons me?

mom: [comes in] hi honey i thought you and your friends might want some snacks and-

me: mom get out!

satan: susan is that you?

mom: oh my god! satey?

satan: unholy shit how long’s it been?

I know that when my husband gets home late tonight he’s going to eat all the chips so this leaves me with no choice but to eat all the chips first

Definition of Rap Songs: Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.

What idiot called it Kenny Loggins describing how he visited Bethlehem to see the Christ child and not “I went to the Manger Zone”?

Merry Christmas everyone

According to the law it’s not appropriate to put a bounty on my boss. I actually thought it showed great initiative and leadership.

The most important part of living undetected in someone’s attic is to have fun and be yourself

If you’re a cannibal, it’s technically hunting, not murder.

God: You have been freed from the shackles of corporeal form, my son. All of time and space are yours to experience. What will you do?

Spirit me: Probably just hang around my old apartment and make an occasional weird noise at night.

You never feel shorter than when you’re standing on a step stool with half your body in the washing machine and you’re using the tongs you used to make lamb loin chops to grab your socks from the bottom of the washer.

Husband: Why are you so grumpy?

Me: I’m not grumpy.

My face:

The indescribable pain of having a client read off the options they see under “Settings.”

Having a dramatic falling out with somebody is so embarrassing .. people will be like “what happened” and now you have to sound like a 7-year-old