Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Overwhelmed. Switching over to TikTok for a while to watch hot people do stupid stuff

No time to explain, I need 300 copies of this cat!

*throws cat at Kinko’s employee

“Sugar we’re going down swinging” used to be a cool song. Now it’s what happens when I bend over, braless, to pick up a floor doughnut.

Watching Moana (for the 869th time)*

Me: oh no, who’s going to help Moana?

3: *really angry” not anybody!! she can do all the things by herself

Troubleshooting steps when your car won’t start in the morning:

1. Call in sick
2. Go back to bed

Interviewer: Why did you leave your job as a customer service representative?

Me: The phone calls kept interrupting my nap.

Anytime I’m watching something on tv my wife starts talking to me as if her words are going to expire if she doesn’t use them.

Was it that frightening to gift newlyweds a ceramic cast of my fist?

I’ve never seen a runner smiling.

So that’s all I need to know about that.

I started studying Tai Chi, so I wouldn’t recommend getting in a slow-motion fight with me…

What am I doing with the rest of my life?

I don’t even know what I’m doing with the rest of this tweet…

I asked my kid what they actually do during a half day at school. He said “I don’t know, but we eat lunch early and there is less time for Nico to pee on the floor”

My partner is the most pure of heart person alive lol

Teacher: Any questions

*raises hand*

T: NO DUMB ONES

“Can you see continent names from space”

T: FOR FU-..ugh…Not if it’s cloudy bud

Day 4 of quarantine – my dog wants me to go to work

Teacher: Who knows what Pennsylvania is famous for?

5: Pencils. Duh.

My 8yo ran inside and scooped up a huge handful of halloween candy to sell to the neighbor kids, and when I told him to just give them out, responded with: they can have the first one free, then they have to pay

A lot of parenting includes slow blinking at your child when they do something stupid while you mutter to yourself that they take after your spouse.

*getting murdered*
“When you’re done could you lay me on my back so my tummy flattens out?”

him: what are you thinking about rn

me: how best to defend myself from an ostrich attack

My daughter said she hates Jon Bon Jovi’s voice and now I’m wondering who switched my baby at the hospital

a cute girl stopped behind my laptop as I was full screen on a pic of bread and I didn’t know what to say so I stammered out “I like bread”

Not sure of the *exact* quality that denotes ‘blood-curdling’ in the context of a scream, but the sound that erupted from me earlier when the frog my cat ‘killed’ suddenly leaped mid-scoop, prrrrrrobably counts.
In other news, nothing beats fresh underwear!

Q: What Do You Call Cheese That Isn’t Yours?
A: Nacho Cheese.

Sorry you heard me going through your medicine cabinet. I was trying to be quiet.

friend: you should name your plants

me: why

friend: it’s just a cute thing people do

me: oh ok. *pointing to rose bush* this is Lily

friend: wait

me: *pointing to lily* this is Iris

friend: no—

me: *pointing to Iris* this is Rosemary

friend: I hate you

Starting all my work emails today with, “to whom it’s about to concern”.