Disgruntled werewolf repeatedly brought to the pound because hundreds of years of evolutionary missteps lead him to look like a cocker spaniel
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ME: Hi, I’ve got my hearing test today
LAWYER: I keep telling you it’s not a test
Vegetarian: ‘You know, a cow died so you could have that burger’. Me: ‘Maybe he died because you keep eating all of his food’.
Spielberg missed a great opportunity when he didn’t put FIN at the end of Jaws.
Mathematically there’s a very small percentage of the cat that is claws although she so often makes it seem otherwise.
When is this ball dropping?!? And why am I the only one in Times Square right now?!?
WOW! SNOWING EVERYWHE…. it stopped.
OMG IT’S STARTING AGAIN AND… nvrmind.
HERE IT IS AGAIN, WEEE…its gone.– Snow globe, the story.
god: rabbits
angel: cute. wait, wh-what are they doing
god: ya they do that
angel: they’re multiplying
god: they’ll slow down
angel: they aren’t slowing down
god: holy shit
angel: they won’t stOP FU
[ next day ]
god: porcupines
I can’t wait to find out who’s playing Donald Trump in the next season of American Horror Story
To be honest you were our third choice for this poisoner job but the other two got poiso… oh that was you, nice
When Canadian Girl Scouts come to sell you cookies, you goddam buy cookies.
Girl: Hi
Guy: Hey
Girl brain: What did he mean? Is he in love with me? I need to analyze this for hours with my gfs
Guy brain: I’d do her
Apparently granny panties and crocs was not the answer he was looking for when he messaged ‘baby what are you wearing?’
“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda
Me: Nice flowers. Co-worker: They’re from my boyfriend. Now I’m going to spend all weekend w/my legs in the air. Me: Don’t you have a vase?
[sees girl reading To Kill A Mockingbird]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] kills all those frickin birds.”
13 just put on deodorant without being told so he must have a girlfriend now
I don’t think a lot of people remember the psychological grip Nutella had on the American psyche in the early 2010s… It became its own governing body at one point
[doctor hands my wife our newborn son] congratulations
my wife: do u want to hold him
me: yes [picking him up and gently cradling him until i start to cry] wow. he’s so precious
doctor: put me down
I made some soup yesterday entirely from ingredients extracted from the atmosphere…
It was a broth of fresh air!🤭😁
Something good is coming my way I can feel it. Nothing life changing, probably just a hotdog
God please let it be a hotdog
Take 1/5th the $ car insurance companies spend on advertising, apply it to health care, and everyone can have golden organs and never die.
8: When I’m a grown up, I’m going to stay up all night
Me: I’m a grown up and I don’t stay up all night
8: Well I’m going to be a grown up with a lot of energy not a sleepy one like you
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Your options are a pound of salty meat or 900g of sugar
DOCTOR: [checking chart] it says here that u suffer from delusions of grandeur
ME: [grabbing chart] thanks doctor, I’ll handle it from here
i do believe that bears are dangerous and anyone who thinks they can get close to one is very stupid. but i also think i am different and the bear would sense my loving spirit
Me: Excuse me sir, can you please forward my X-ray and breast exam results to my doctor
Airport security:…
{notices you’re wearing silver earrings}
sorry your ears came in 2nd
I used to be embarrassed when people held my money up in the light to check for fraud but now it’s just another atta girl that my art degree and life of crime is paying off.
doctor: how often do you exercise
me: does sex count
doctor: yes
me: twice a day
doctor: with other living ppl?
me: why would you specify living
doctor: just answer
me: no I don’t exercise
Pro Tip: If you stand outside a restaurant wearing a red jacket, people will literally just give you their car.