Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

sloth [finally arriving at his prison cell]
prison guard: ok you’re free to go

Ideas for getting more exercise:

– Move the biscuits farther away
– Buy a heavier kettle

covid spelled backwards is devil. Don’t look just take my word for it.

Does anyone else bring a bag of clever disguises to the grocery store in case there’s a wine sampling booth that day?

Therapist: How are you feeling

Me: I think I’ve finally gotten over my agoraphobia. I’m ready to go outside and get on with my life 🙂

Therapist: Ok you’re not gonna believe this

christening a ship with an overripe banana

[Creation]
ANGEL: Ok, bats are done. We just need to decide how they sleep

GOD: [on his phone] Hang on

ANGEL: [writing] Bit weird but ok

Motherhood is when your child looks like a sparkling cherub and you look like a steaming pile of nope.

I want to know what the cat was doing that made the animal control officer be like, you know what, I think this cat just destroyed an 8-ball.

My neighbour won’t stop talking about his Rolex and I can’t believe someone stole it tomorrow

I was kicked out of mime school once. I hadn’t put the safety lock on and my finger guns went off. The whole class took cover in their boxes

“My lawyer will have me out in an hour.”

I told my boyfriend to show me pictures of my outfits that I ordered and I for sure was not expecting this…

Why don’t we ever talk about how there were aquariums EVERYWHERE in the ’80s. You couldn’t buy socks in a department store without seeing at least 40 tropical fish.

If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.

My 9 year old got an IPhone today and so far I’ve had 93 texts and 14 FaceTime calls from the other room just to say “Whatcha doin?”

Maybe a funeral isn’t the best place to practice my evil laugh

Whenever someone says smart phones are turning people into zombies, look up from your phone just long enough to bite them.

Probably just poor graphic design…

Still not gonna drink from it.

[Me as an Italian language translator]
Police: Ask him where the money is hidden.

Me: Spaghetti tortellini Benghazi Fibonacci cappuccino.

*meets man next door*
That’ll be easy to remember. We have the same first name
*meets neighbour’s wife*
Is our name tattooed anywhere on your body?

Never knew why pajama tops had pockets on them, but I just filled mine up with cookies to bring back to bed and now it makes complete sense.

Everyone keep an eye on Uncle Ronnie…he’s drank about 12 Mountain Dews and just mumbled, “I’m Batman.”

Asked an old couple at work what is the secret to a long marriage
He said “Good reflexes”
She said “Poor aim”

[fancy restaurant]
me: one steak and a bowl of ketchup please
waiter: usually you don’t need anything with it, sir
me: you’re right [closing menu] just the ketchup then

Back in the good old days, we didn’t have to trim our toenails they just got wore down naturally from running from dinosaurs

Overheard a girl just say she’s full because she ate at 3:00. It’s 6:00. How can you stay full for THREE HOURS, alien?

My company has a nicotine like addiction to conference calls.