Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Anyone want to do the laundry for me? Im exhausted. I can pay you in beanie babies or hot monkey sex.

The monkey’s name is Earl. He bites.

I love writing because it combines my two favorite hobbies: sitting and self-doubt.

I just said hello and waved to a baby and the baby puked I must not be looking good today

you know, nobody ever talks about Pennywise’s estranged brother Nickelstupid

just found myself walking around inspecting things in my front yard with my hands clasped gently behind my back, so my transition into my grandfather is nearly complete

BRB gotta call my immigrant parents they can’t dogsit anymore

Me: Which cup do you want?

2-year-old: That one!

Me: Let’s pick a different one.

2-year-old: No!

*drinks milk from a shot glass*

I don’t understand why gyms have mirrors. I know what I look like. That’s why I’m here.

I blame Johnny Bravo for my body image issues

Got fired from the duty free store for never showing up which is very misleading and also bullshit.

me: i knocked through a fake wall in my bathroom and there was a whole secret furnished room behind there

friend: you live in an apartment complex

me: oh yeah

I deduct 5% gratuity for every extra spoon my Cheesecake Factory server puts on my plate, “In case I feel like sharing.”

[Jesus opens his fortune cookie]
SOMEONE WILL BETRAY YOU
“Uh oh”
YOUR LUCKY NUMBERS ARE 4 2 0 6 9
“Haha nice!”

My neighbors’ trash is almost all empty Sudafed boxes. It doesn’t take a genius to figure out what they are: sick.

My cardio is just me following my kids from room to room and turning off the lights.

BREAKING NEWS: Man gets out of offending people by saying “present company excluded of course” after highly offensive statement

I’m a kleptomaniac

It’s ok though, I’m taking something for it

judge: how do you plead
me: no further questions your honor

When grocery shopping, I only buy foods that can also be used as a weapon. Cantaloupe is a good example of this.

does anyone know how to use nunchucks, I got a pair for xmas and I’ve just been swinging em around real fa

[Marriage Counseling]
Wife: He’s always messing up even the simplest phrases.
Me: I THOUGHT we were gonna keep that on the download…

I think “How the Grinch Stole Christmas!” has given my youngest unrealistic expectations. Today, we talked about putting away the tree, and he said, “No, WE don’t have to. The Grinch is supposed to come to our house and take it away.”

I hate it when people say “Oh, I’m a vegetarian except for fish”.

Yeah? And I’m a non-smoker except for cigarettes. #WorldVeganDay

I’m no good at the pole vault either.

*me flirting

Please don’t forget what Christmas is really about.

Asking your 30 year old cousin when she’s going to start having babies.

why do guys named timothy go by tim when they could go by moth

Husband: On top of spaghetti, all covered with cheese.

Me: *heavy breathing* Keep going.

I’m convinced a lot of people here are communicating from prison.

[Origins…]

BRUCE WAYNE: Did you make all the “Badman” equipment like I told you…the Badmobile, the Badcopter etc?

ALFRED: Yeah…wait, what?

kids are so chill, they never force you to eat vegetables, like their adult counterparts