Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I work out by ordering a small drink at Burger King, then get up 100 times to refill it.

The Wizard of Oz is my favourite movie about serial murder for personal gain.

all year 14 has said he hasn’t had any homework or school projects so either we hit the jackpot or shit is about to get REALLY real

So sad that kids today spend so much time online. When we were kids we were always outside throwing rocks at one another, shoplifting at the mall, trying drugs… one time I drank gasoline.

gave a tox lecture and i made a funny joke and one of students says “haha my friend told me about this joke when you made it for his class last year”

omg my worst nightmare the students are finding out i reuse my jokes noooooo

him, texting from the party: where did you go???

me, already home in bed: bathroom brb

As there aren’t any female leprechauns, where do leprechauns come from

~ something to ponder every St Patrick’s Day

victim: *running away, singing friends theme song*

murderous villain [drops knife while clapping]: damn it, not again

Me: *cutting fingernails*

Man next to me on bus: please stop cutting my nails

You can milk cows, goats, and on field soccer injuries.

My white girl power is ability to never putting more than $20 worth of gas in at a time.

The only thing that can stop a bad guy with a hot glue gun is a good guy with a hot glue gun.

certified hallow’s eve classic

Me: Accept your flaws. You’ll feel better. It worked for me.

Her: You accepted your flaws?

Me: No. I accepted your flaws.

Whoever named snakes did a great job. Those things are definitely snakes.

My family keeps throwing sweaters in the laundry basket like we wash those.

“Ooooh the Zodiac Killer, so scary. Are you going to kill me with astrology whoa that’s a big knife.”

Choose a job you love and you will never work a day in your life because that field isn’t hiring.

5 just asked if I was older than Grandma so Christmas at our house is canceled.

If you don’t know me, don’t judge me. Unless you’re making me a pizza and you say
“This woman looks like she wants extra cheese.” That’s ok

Jerry, we tried, but we were never a perfect fit.

You’re part of a cactus and I’m a piece of a skull in the lower left-hand corner, I think.

-puzzle pieces breaking up

Sir, those are my emotional support chrome tabs

Wife: What’s with the bug spray?
Me: I can’t stand the little bloodsuckers.
Wife: You’re a vampire.
Me: I DON’T MAKE PEOPLE ITCHY, KAREN!

Why don’t people ever put the big lights on in horror films?

Every Red Hot Chili Peppers song has a part where it sounds like they’re trying to guess words for a crossword puzzle.

My first kid will be named Gotham. That way when I have to get up in the middle of the night when they’re crying I can say “Gotham needs me”

I don’t care what people tell you, but LA definitely has 4 seasons: Pilot, Earthquake, Fire and Award.

My mom at 25: Married, one kid

Me at 25: Wakes up holding a chicken tender after a night of drinking

Nothing confuses me more than vegan mascara. Who is eating mascara?

I don’t care if you have a thousand pens at home already, when someone offers you a pen YOU TAKE THAT PEN