disguised vampire: i put my sweat and tears into this project
boss: what about blood
disguised vampire: huh?
boss: *narrowing eyes* you do have blood right
disguised vampire: haha vhat do u mean
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Paula Hawkins: What should I call my book about a girl on a train?
Publicist: Let’s call the guy who named the movie ‘Snakes On A Plane’.
7-year-old: I don’t want mashed potatoes.
Me: They’re just like French fries.
7: Then give me French fries.
There’s a flaw in her logic, but I can’t find it.
date: i like guys who are mysterious
me: [afraid she may have learned my horrible secret] haha isn’t it great that neither of us has ever made love to a snowman
My first and biggest lesson in framing was when I saw my uncle asking 3 children who wanted to take a bath and they all squirmed and loudly yelled NOOOO and then he asked “Who wants to be the FIRST! to take a bath?” and they literally started fighting to be the first
Look Mr. Wendy’s, I ordered a chicken club and you gave me a stupid sandwich. I have a car full of chickens on ecstasy here. Help me out.
Man Derives Depressing Amount Of Pride From Hometown Burger Chain
ME: [pointing at grave] What about that one?
GRAVE-DIGGER: Yep, love it
[commercial for kinder eggs]
are you tired of mean eggs
Zodiac Killer: *serial killing*
Victim: why are you doing this?
Zodiac Killer: you know how Scorpios are lol
The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work
My dad likes to come to my office & tell the receptionist he’s my parole officer in case you were wondering how I turned out like this.
8 really detests when I use fish sticks to play the drums on her head
Reporter: Is it true you delivered a pig with TWO heads?!
Farmer: Yes I did
Farmer’s second head: WE did
barista calling out order: Gee Off
Geoff: It’s Geoff. I watched you write it on my cup as I spelled it out to you not five minutes ago
barista: nice try, Gee Off
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
I’ll walk into the gym eating a slice of pizza so that everyone can hate me…
A homeless man asked me for money. I had 10 dollars in my pocket and didn’t want it wasted on alcohol so I gave it to him.
I’m a really friendly person unless you try and make small talk with me
My 3yo said that if a stranger tried to get into our house through the chimney she’d turn the fireplace on so actually Santa is the one who better watch out
I walk into the bathroom only to be greeted by my dad’s masterpiece
[Before 9 was invented]
7: damn I’m hungry
Moms don’t go on vacation, we just cook and clean in a different house for a week.
Oh, you asked if I had a perfect BEACH body. Now I see why you were confused when I said “Yes, I’m round, ripe & covered in fuzz.”
Fall is here! I can finally start burning my pumpkin cinnamon cupcake cranberry apple pie walk in the snow vanilla snickerdoodle flannel scented candle without feeling like a psychopath
RIGHT?
i would like to meet the marketing/branding team that goes to work every morning, satisfied that this is the logo that represents their business
*kermit plays slayer on his banjo. a marsh pit breaks out*
14: Wanna play a game?
12: Sure!
14: Do an impression of Mom
12: Oh that’s easy
14: WITHOUT SWEARING
12: Forget it.The end.
[On the phone with my bookie]
Put it all on Jesus and let it ride
Fact: it is impossible to hold a machete in a friendly manner.
Coronavirus and Animal Crossing is like that one summer with Pokémon GO but like…..opposite.