disguised vampire: i put my sweat and tears into this project
boss: what about blood
disguised vampire: huh?
boss: *narrowing eyes* you do have blood right
disguised vampire: haha vhat do u mean
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BARTENDER: taste this beer
ME: [tastes it] omg i literally can’t even
BARTENDER: it has pumpkin spice in it
ME: hmm… yeah that explains it
Your car took up two spaces, I tried to move it over with my key.
Me: I’ll take a double cheeseburger, large fries and supersized coke…
Nurse: Sir, this is a colonoscopy
(1st day in heaven)
Me: Whoa- is that Elvis?
Angel- no, it’s an impersonator
M: Wow, is that…
A: listen man all we got is impersonators
concern
sorry i didn’t text back i was on tiktok watching a movie in 137 separate parts
My fridge is a veritable cornucopia of leftovers. I am not grateful for this cornucopia. My cornucopia is beginning to grow stuff.
WAITER:What would you like?
ME:What would YOU like?
W:Excuse me?
M:No one ever asks you, do they?
W:*tearing up* No.. they don’t. Thank you.
*during sex
Any way I could convince you to make some velociraptor noises?
My wife’s favorite position is the one where I lie very still wearing nothing but a toe tag and she starts dating again.
I just know they’re trying to reach him about an extended warranty.
Why are Facebook divorce announcements always like “it is with great sadness we have decided to end our journey together to take our own paths” and not “I can’t stand Cody anymore” or “We can no longer tolerate being in the same room any longer”?
sometimes i tell myself “jessica you need to stop drinking” but then i remember my name isn’t jessica
i actually laughed 😩
Every time you make a typo, the errorists win.
*Grilling salmon
TELL ME WHAT YOU WERE DOING SWIMMING UPSTREAM LAST WEEK
[after putting a fake mustache on an elephant]
FRIEND: You seen my elephant?
ME: no
FRIEND: [eyeing elephant] Maybe this fine gentleman has
and now a text from my mom:
are you okay??? you didn’t like my fb post about making jam, so I got worried
When you have the opportunity to become a bigger person, take it because cake is delicious.
Sometimes I answer the door in a towel when I get an Amazon delivery. Even if I’m wearing clothes underneath.
How old are you?
I’m “I now empathize with the mom from Mrs. Doubtfire” years old.
What did the Wise Men say after presenting their gold and frankincence???
Wait, there’s myrrh!!!
Apparently a guy named George Martin leaked all the main plot points of the next season of Game of Thrones in some books he published. Jerk.
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
It’s so cute how all the free sandwiches in the fridge at work have little names.
Date: so what do you do
Me: i build dog houses
Date: oh you’re an “arf”itect lol
Me: haha good one
Date:
Me: (under breath) it’s “bark”itect
[dollar tree]
CASHIER: i’m sorry sir but we don’t actually sell trees that grow dollars
ME: get me the manager
News: Gas shortage
Me: Haha
News: Chic-fil-a sauce shortage
Me: NO