*disguises myself as a baby so people throw cheese at me*
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People buying plungers never look happy.
person sitting next to me on a plane: [nervously] how often do planes crash
me: usually once
Damn girl, are you chocolate? Because I love you but you killed my dog.
Make your kid’s next birthday a surprise party by taking them to Walmart.
Wife: I took a pregnancy test
Me: positive?
Wife: yes Graham, I’m sure I pissed on a stick
I don’t know what the 5 love languages are but one of them better have peanut butter inside
If Donald Trump becomes President,
The rest of us should be able to just walk into any hospital & start working as doctors
My husband and kids have started humming Darth Vader’s Imperial March whenever I walk into the room and I’ve never felt more complete
Wife: Sleep tight, don’t let the bed bugs bite!
Me: Haha funny.
[under the mattress]
Bed Bug King: TONIGHT WE DINE IN HELL *tiny drums bang*
WARNING: DO NOT TRY AND EAT WARREN BUFFET. HE IS NOT AN ACTUAL BUFFET AND IS NOT MADE OF FOOD
I made my wife sign a prenup because there was no way I was going to let her take half of my golden girls memorabilia collection.
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks.
When you get to jail, challenge the biggest, baddest guy in there to rock, paper, scissors in front of all his friends
I’ll start buying “smart” appliances when they make a microwave that automatically electrocutes people who put fish in it
Every night when you sleep,I sneak into your house, full of desire.
I then reduce the amount of marshmallowy treats in your cereal&go home.
– What was high school like for you?
*2h22m later
– That was just the plot to Shawshank Redemption
Me: Granted, the similarities are uncanny
I put my pants on just like everybody else: when the police tell me to.
I’m trying out a new email sign off. I’ve replaced “Best,” with “I bequeath to you an unspecified curse,”
{Prison Diary Day 7}
Nobody is respecting the Swear Jar
♫ Why do birds suddenly appear, every time you are near? Just like me, they long to be… ♫
Wait, hang on…my bad, those are vultures.
ME: I can understand why, it’s so silky and luxurious.
THEM: Huh? I said I worship Satan.
ME: Oh. I thought you said “satin.”
don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning crab linguine
Meatloaf is a good safe word.
It means I would do anything for love, but I won’t do that…
I had a dream where my crush complimented my face and I said “thanks I’ve been working on it my whole life” so yes I’m truly like this all the time even while I sleep
There’s no “k” in team either. This is fun. What other letters aren’t in team?
*house explodes into flames*
Kids: mom, what’s for dinner?
Murder hornets don’t sting as bad as accidentally opening the front camera.
[after the apocalypse]
God: *counting souls* I’ll trade you a podcaster for an uber driver
Satan: *unwrapping his third social media influencer* no way man
Simple
I’m ready for work early! Now to lay back in bed so I can still rush out the door and be 2 minutes late like god intended