Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[me, watching sports] ah yes, go ball

[Married Pillow Talk]

Husband: Tell me what you want.

Me: I want you to fix the kitchen faucet.

I hate being bipolar it’s awesome

Me: I want a book for Mother’s Day

Him: What about all the ones you haven’t read yet?

Me: How dare you

[Watching Netflix]

ME: Ohhhhh…I never thought about paying off a funeral home to get rid of the body…genius.

HIM: What??

ME: What?

Of course I know the difference between right and wrong … wrong is the fun one

Wine and cheese pair well together bc they are both the expired byproducts of other foods enjoy your trash snack rich people

Ladies, why y’all do this?

TRES leches?! En esta economía?!

* on a date snuggling *

Me: Did you enjoy dinner?

Her: Yeah, but now I feel fat.

Me: Get your hands off my belly.

My doctor called and said they couldn’t use the stool sample that I sent in and asked if I could give them another and I’m like “I thought you’d never ask!”
This day is looking better already!

I used to sneak out of my house to go to parties, now I sneak out of parties to go to my house.

British people be like I’m Bri ish

As a kid in the 70’s when I told my dad I wanted to go to the movies to see Grease, he told me to go look in the lard can on the stove.

Friend: I’m getting married

Me: OMG, I’m so sorry. How long do you have?

[grocery store, frozen aisle]

Me: *inhales, stretches arms high*
Ommmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

Clerk: ma’am are you doing yoga?

Me: oh no, I’m just trying to reach dinner peas

“Hi. Remember me?”
“Uh… yeah.”
“Remember we talked about you leaving the birdseed on the ground?”
“Uh…”
“Because I remember.”
“It’s cool. We’re cool. I can fix it right now.”
“I wouldn’t want to have to remind you again. That might be bad for you.”

It’s impossible to have an *ok* time on a trampoline. It’s either the most fun you’ve ever had or you go to the hospital.

My husband and 4yo are playing with the doctor kit and toy dinosaurs. My husband named the dino doctor The Dinocologist.

We were definitely meant for each other.

I’m sorry I said yes when you asked if I’m a people person, I thought you said pizza.

[Congress]
MARK ZUCKERBERG: if you do not harvest your crops in a timely manner on Farmville they will die, I cannot stress this enough

Communing with the fog in the woods, anyone need anything?

My husband broadcasts the Imperial March over Google home when my mother pulls into the driveway.

It’s scarier than any movie I’ve ever seen.

First day of my levitation course today, and I went straight to the top of the class.

I’ve been pretending to know what “zeitgeist” means for a really long time now.

There should be a second ashes they play at night when all the players have had a few

If zombies eat brains, 90% of Twitter is safe.

i like the aisle seat on a flight because it gives me power over the other two people next to me. you wanna go to the bathroom? need to grab something from your bag in the overhead? better ask my permission. i’m the king of row 37 bud

I’m not enjoying this slow burn apocalypse… I need it over and done like a popular Netflix show

My dog just ate one of my earbuds gonna blast metal until I get it back