Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sent my husband nudes and he asked me which mole I was worried about.

Niece: I like math
M: 5 X 1?
N: 5
M: *takes out phone* right
N:You’re using your phone?
M: I got a text
N: I didnt hear a sound

*runs away*

I’ve written a book called, ‘How Not To Get Conned Out Of Your Money’.

It’s available in all good bookshops priced £149.99.

My boyfriend & I each had a cat when we moved in together. Normally, mine sits with me and his sits with him. But tonight we are sitting in each others chairs, so now we are sitting with each others cats.

Turns out, our cats are attached to the spots they sit, not us at all 😂

One of the few joys in my life is when my kids step on their own Lego.

If there’s a zombie apocalypse and you see one zombie taking a nap, that will be me

There are a lot of unspoken rules about complimenting a baby. It is ok to say ‘I could just eat him up!’ but apparently you should not go into detail about which recipe you would follow.

All I’m saying is, no word’s meaning changes more as you age than the word party.

Honey, I made the news! Apparently that old lady I fought at the library wasn’t a ghost

I love crunchy peanut butter because one day someone just did a half @$$ed job and convinced people it was on purpose

I hate when you get all excited bc someone says they had a dream about you and then you find out you were just there holding a clipboard

Every time I get a paper cut, I know somewhere a tree is laughing.

When Squidward and Donald Duck do it, it’s “adorable” but when I go outside without pants, it’s “misdemeanor indecent exposure” DOUBLE STANDARD

Feels like there should be a middle ground

I feel like the Ghostbusters are too proud they “ain’t afraid a no ghosts.”
It’s your job.
My exterminator doesn’t keep telling me he’s not afraid of spiders.

My signature move is putting on my reading glasses when I don’t understand what the person in front of me is saying.

There are actually only two stages of parenthood: having children, and having children who can reach things on countertops.

The devil.

[at a party]
Friend: let’s play this game that most of us know
Me: idk how to play, can 7 of you yell the different rules at me all at once?

I stopped putting coffee in my sugar, and it shows!!!

Man, how coked up was the guy that came up with teenage mutant ninja turtles

Caveman: I have discovered fire

Village: yayyyyy

Caveman: it’s burning all our stuff

Village: booooo

If I could ask God for one thing, it would probably be power equal to or greater than his own.

[At a 5 star restaurant]
*gestures at entire menu*
Are any of these words fancy speak for chicken fingers and fries?

*adds pineapple to your lasagna*

My cactus judges
All of the other houseplants
For how much they drink

[wakes up screaming]
HER: you’re safe now, what was the dream?
ME: I was on a diet

My 6yo asked me if she’s gonna have pubic hair one day and when I told her yes she said, “well, I award THAT zero points.” Today she awarded cheese 100 points. This is the only scale I’ll be using from now on.

Worst ways to die

1. Burned alive
2. Suffocate
3. Die from frustration teaching your child to blow their nose

Pro-tip: The best way to keep people away from you in public is to carry a clipboard. People fear the living shit out of clipboards.