*disguises myself as a baby so people throw cheese at me*
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Round 2… FIGHT
– me, handing one tablet to both kids
Ever take a look at @thefunnytweeter? I’m honored that they have some of my tweets on a page.
[at the club]
Me: I got the moves
Her: it’s “runs”
Kids today don’t even understand you could kill a person with a rotary phone.
The pool supply sales lady told me I should shock my swimming pool once a week, so I keep showing it my senior picture.
you, an idiot: It’s pronounced worcestershire.
me, an intellectual and foodie: Actually, it’s pronounced worcestershire.
Me: What do you want for breakfast?
4yo: Bagel
Me: *makes it
4yo: Tricked you! I wanted toast
Me: Nice trick. Now, eat your bagel
“Maybe she’s born with it, but most likely she botched it at home” should be my slogan when I color my own hair.
My parents: we have something to tell you
Me: ok
Parents: remember when wesaid your dog went to live on a farm
Me: Ya, muffin
Parents: well that didn’t actually happen
Me: oh no
Parents: he was actually arrested for smuggling fentanyl into the country in shipping containers
Day 2 without sports:
Found a young lady sitting on my couch yesterday. Apparently she’s my wife. She seems nice.
i scammed $50,000 from a financial advice columnist does anyone need anything?
Just threw out my back getting the cool side of the pillow and I’m pretty sure the cat is laughing at me.
train me.
no.
train me.
okay.
training montage.
the big fight.
i’m glad you trained me.
i’m glad i trained you.
#everyboxingmovie
“Life is full of surprises,” I say as you open your shower curtain.
My 8yr just said we go together like biscuits and cream cheese. And I can’t tell if that’s a compliment or contradiction
does anyone in IT care to admit that when someone submits a help request you quietly fix the problem behind the scenes and then tell them to try something super obvious so they look like an idiot?
Nobody has to pee more than a small child who has just put on 10 lbs of snow gear.
SOMEONE IS AT THEIR HOUSE!!!
– dogs
Host: Today on House Flippers, a houseboat
Couple: I heard Dracula killed a bunch of people on this boat?
Host: The important thing is choosing a layout that makes it feel like a home (pause) I’m thinking new cabinets
God I hate these crossword puzzles
Does anyone know a 3 letter word for “Father”?
Kanye West named his kid North. Drake Bell says he’ll name his first kid Taco. I think Jessica Biel should name her kid Batmo.
[party]
me: ugh who invited that guy, he’s so childishher: he’s 7 and it’s his birthday
If you come across a bear in the woods, it’s best to just wipe it off and apologize.
Safari Guide: *whispering* Folks, it’s a rhinoceros. Just back away without any erratic movements.
Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: Uh-oh.
God: your name is Owl.
Owl: who?
God: you. your name is Owl.
Owl: I know I’m just messin with ya.
God: ok then state your name.
Owl: your name. lol.
God: are you serious?
Owl: no i’m Owl : )
God:
Owl:
God: [under breath] you’ve made a powerful enemy today.
Owl: who?
Me: So then, He-Man & Skeletor come to terms with their feelings and make out.
Priest: Again, writing fan fiction isn’t necessarily a sin
Before you have kids, ask yourself: how patient am I with really stupid people?
I bought beard oil yesterday, so now I have to pick a favorite IPA.