Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s important to set goals. You don’t have to accomplish them or anything like that. Just set them.

If Mr Krabs owned a bar

I have literally never stopped thinking about this

I hate it when people don’t behave the way I thought they would when I rehearsed the conversation in my head.

The lady behind me in line was in a hurry to get out of the grocery store so I decided to write a check to pay for my stuff.

You can tell it’s laundry day because I’m wearing flippers and a Viking helmet

I’m 43 years old and still ask if I’ll need a shot and expect a lollipop every time I go to the doctor.

Venmo me $20 and I’ll show up to your work on Valentine’s Day in a suit and tie (with flowers!) begging for you to take me back. For an extra $5 I’ll do it to an unsuspecting co-worker

I always believed that we all have the habit of licking knifes clean after we are done with them..

My surgeon friends disagreed.

Me: If you can’t wear white after Labor Day why do people dress up as ghosts for Halloween?

Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.

Drawing fake track marks on my arm so I don’t have to hold anyone’s baby at Thanksgiving.

This morning I noticed my neighbor was talking to her cat. It was obvious the poor woman thought her cat understood her.

When I got home I told my dog about it. We laughed so much!

Boss: And what’s your ideal salary?

Me: Well how much does the position pay?

Boss: That depends on how much you THINK it pays

Me: What if I overestimate how much it pays?

Boss: Then we won’t hire you

Me: What if I underestimate?

Boss: Congrats! You’re our ideal candidate!

Cosmetology school was a real letdown. Anyone wanna buy a spacesuit?

teen me: I just wanna find a girl who’s nice and pretty and smart and kind

40s me: who wants to get freaky with mayonnaise, no weirdos

My Fitbit thanked me for not making him work nearly as hard as the other Fitbits.

Yeah but how many of you can say you’ve managed to get your head stuck in the strings of a piano

If you don’t win at least 3 made up arguments in the shower, are you even clean?

Dad owl: I’m dying so I need you to look after things. I’m going to give you-
Son owl: Don’t say it
Dad: Power of a tawny
Son: [turns head]

“How much for this melted ghost?”
Sir that’s a bed sheet
“You have a lot of them! And they’re packaged? IS THIS GHOST HELL”
This is a Macys

Friend: What’s your costume for Halloween?
Me: The Invisible Man
Friend: Bandages and sunglasses?
Me: More realistic.
Friend: You’re not coming to the party are you?
Me: God no.

Remember when you could lay in one position for hours, now you have to rotate like a rotisserie chicken every 15 minutes or a hip hurts.

Hear me out.
CROUTON BANGLES.
We have the technology.

*Makes bacon
*Eats one piece
*2 pieces
*3 pieces
*Eats all the bacon
*Hides the evidence

9: Yummm! What’s that smell?

Me: Cereal

“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut

Me: This is my favorite. I would like to buy this exact same item of clothing again

The Fashion Industry: No.

My wife: “Do you even like writing?”

Me: “I like having written.”

1. Get preg
2. Transfer ur soul to fetus using
Satanic alchemy
3. Give birth to yourself
4. Old body dies
5. Be a baby

My Fitbit’s “SmartTrack” auto-recognized my riding lawn mower as a bicycle and congratulated me for burning 156 calories ipso facto I earned this ice cream

3 fought tooth and nail over not putting on pants under a dress this morning. I explained it was weather appropriate.

3: How about I put them on now and take them off at school?

She’s going to crush high school.