Disguising marmite as honey seems like a good way to get dumped on Valentine’s day
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me: *nauseated from eating too much*
also me: did you say cake?
MRI machines don’t have to be that loud. They just don’t want you to hear the radiology tech gasp.
one more hotdog left who wants it [jesus speed walks across jeff’s pool]
Cats won’t give away your position when someone knocks on the door. They hide with you, like understanding furry ninjas.
I saw a guy pushing a stroller with a kayak balanced on top, like he had traded the baby for it. And clearly he hadn’t planned this. He didn’t have the car with him, so it must have been a spur of the moment baby trade. Some amazing kayak salesman was willing to make a deal.
Wife: Have you seen my stilettos?
Me [6 inches taller and struggling to stand]: Uh *stumble* No
Red wine has anti-inflammatory properties so if there is a god, she is a middle aged mom.
15: Geez. You make me never want to have a girlfriend.
Me: Joke’s on you, bud, I make a lot of men decide they don’t want a girlfriend.
the hardest part of taking nudes is cleaning your room
My 3yo was so excited to go to his first yard sale! He had $1 to spend on a toy and carefully chose a large plastic shark head. I was relieved it wasn’t something messy! When we got home we discovered it was actually a toy carrier and there were THIRTY miniature sharks inside. 😑
[at work]
Carl, did you get naked when you used the bathroom?
*standing there with his shirt & pants on backwards*
“No…why do you ask?”
If Olive Garden wanted to give me an authentic Italian meal that reminds me of my mother’s cooking, someone should come out from the kitchen and hit me with a wooden spoon
Keep in mind that “The Cat in the Hat” is a lesson to your kids on how to throw a house party when you’re gone…
My kids keep fighting over who gets to fool me next and maybe that’s the real prank
I cleaned the house last month and it’s already dirty again. Life is SO unfair.
[interview]
employer: where do you see yourself in 2 years
me: talking down to people & doing as little as possible
employer, taking notes: okay, so…management
These days I just accept the website cookies without any protest. Website is like Grandma I’m not gonna fight with you.
My 3yo doesn’t understand Where’s Wally and just keeps hiding the book from his brother
{speed dating}
Me: What handbags can you afford?
[at the office]
Secretary: There’s a fax here for you.
Me: When did it arrive?
Secretary: 1983.
Me: Great. Let me know when the pony express pulls up with the mail from 1861.
I lose my self-control around cookies. Last week I had a package of oreos in the cupboard and i killed a guy
Protip: If your wife says the cord on the vacuum cleaner is too short, it doesn’t mean she’s asking for an extension cord for her birthday.
welcome to your parents’ house, where the wifi password is hkH6U3pvL2PbqtEf
What do you call an alligator thats wearing a vest?
An investigator.
There’s no subtle way of starting a game of dodgeball at a yoga class.
Mom of newborn: They say the crying gets better after seven weeks.
Newborn: *cries*
Me: *cries better*
Mom: Why do you have a lighter? Do you smoke?!?
Me: It’s for arson, I swear!
Mom: It’d better be!
It’s hard to tweet and change the baby’s diaper at the same time.
I probably should have waited until I got to a red light.
If courage is buying an entire tub of ice cream and immediately throwing out the lid, then yes I am definitely brave.
I lost 7 followers today.
It’s nice to know some people are finally reading my tweets