Disgusting if literal: Liverpool
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My mom when I opened up a bag of candy in the backseat of the car.
Cashier: Big weekend plans?
Me: *putting pile of microwaveable meals for one on counter* You know it.
I stopped at Culver’s and got cheese curds. I felt so guilty, I really should’ve gotten some onion rings too.
The term ‘monkeying around’ makes sense to me, monkeys are silly animals. ‘Horsing around’ pisses me off though, it’s very, very disrespectful… Pretty much every horse I’ve met has a job
Hellocination: when you wave at someone thinking they waved at you, but they were waving to someone else.
me: [typing] donkey kong
fbi agent watching my screen: don’t do it
me: donkey kong no tie
fbi agent: god damnit-[into radio] take him down
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: I’m just saying, it’s a very misleading flyer
BODY BUILDING COMPETITION JUDGE: again, we can only apologise
ever wonder what the rest of Michelangelo’s David looks like
I hope Alan is OK
Just ruined $387 worth of blinds in the house but that fly is dead.
just like to remind everyone that if you wear a stylish belt with your bathrobe it becomes a dress
you should be allowed to list your landlord as a dependant
13 just put on deodorant without being told so he must have a girlfriend now
if a bee sting u, u get a lil pain but the bee dies so who really wins? “lol im OWNING all these bees” i say as i put my face in the beehive
My cat is smarter than I am but I’m brighter than most plants, so I feel like I’m holding my own.
ANAESTHETIST: Count backwards from 100
ME: 100..99..98ME: ..3..2..1..um [looks round] now what?
ANAESTHETIST [muffled] You have to find me
Most people don’t know this, but “Piano Man” by Billy Joel is about a man bitten by a radioactive piano.
You guys have made me afraid to pick up my son’s socks
My kid: *does something cute*
Me: That’s great, sweetie, now please can you do it again in a cleaner part of the house so I can take a photo?
I’m like a fuckin’ origami expert when I’m down to the last sheet of toilet paper.
cops: neighbours reported sounds of a struggle
**i begin to weep as I glance at my skinny jeans**
My girlfriend says she wants a fairy tale wedding. Anyone know where I can get hold of a bear costume and 50lbs of porridge?
If there’s one think I’ve learned from twitter it’s to never be near an American and a wood chipper
Nice try girl with a great job and is mentally stable…
Hello crazy chick with anger issues and a knife collection.
People say “you’ll ruin your appetite” like I have to be hungry to eat.
Here’s a promise – if a scuba shop is within sprinting distance of the ocean and they let me try stuff on I’m not paying for a damn thing.
Finally cleans my toaster tray
Finds the map to the lost city of Arzkab
I wish my kids are as committed to turning off the lights as they are at forcing their way into my bathroom to say “You’re eating my Kit Kats!”
Chattanooga is my favorite town that sounds like an old-timey car horn