Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I bought a dog so I wouldn’t feel creepy picking up poop off the sidewalk

*Uses time machine to constantly go back to bed*

Boss: You’re fired

Me: *turns in my gun and my badge*

Boss: You’re a waiter where did you get those

Listen, I’m all about neighborliness, but if you ring my bell one more time at 7am just to inform me you received my newspaper

I. Will. Boil. Your. Rabbit.

My 3yo said scales measure how fast we are. So anyway, I stepped on our scale and I’m a lot faster than I thought I was.

The woman at the table next to me has been whining and complaining about her boyfriend for the last 20 minutes.

I’m not even in the relationship and I’ve broken up with her 4 times in my mind.

“But, I’m a talking tree!” said the oak.

“And, you will dialogue,” replied the lumberjack.

I have standards. They might be low, but still…..

Overheard two American tourists as they walked past the chemist: “I didn’t know New Zealand had pharmacies. I didn’t even know they had medicine.”

Finding out that my kids take the “freeze” “unfreeze” game seriously might be the greatest moment of my life

*wonders how long they’ll stay frozen for*

Dear Olive Garden,

They grow on trees. Your name should be Olive Orchard. Seems like someone could have googled this.

My dog walking company has terrible reviews and I’m being sued.

My garage full of dogs is totally worth it.

A posh woman asked where I got my boots and I didn’t want to say TJ Maxx, so I told her I won them in a bar fight.

What genius called it a ‘bar’ and not an ‘alcohall’?

Thanks to a hangover, I was the douche wearing sunglasses inside the airport today.

Arguing with guy at the bar and he claimed Wikipedia was an unreliable source, suggesting instead that I listen to him, a drunk guy at a bar

Parents who have allowed your
8 yr olds to become spoiled brats …

We’ll check back in 10 years to see
how that worked out for you.

me: I think my blood’s haunted

doctor: what

me: I think it might be full of hemogoblins

My mom gave me a coffee mug that says “Be your own kind of beautiful” and I’m really trying not to read too much into that

My 5yo woke up early this morning and was playing very quietly because he didn’t want to wake grandpa. I’d never seen anything like it! Apparently all my son needed to play quietly was an adult in the house that he respected.

we baptize all our dinosaurs just in case all that catholic shit turns out to be true

me after creating anything: i want the whole world to see this

brain: even people who know you?

me: oh god no

“Those ducking cops will never catch me!”

– dialogue from the action-adventure video game Grand Theft Autocorrect

Rating all the Nancy Drew books I’ve read on Goodreads so it looks like I’m smart or something.

Friends don’t tell friends 1980 was 40 years ago.

My ex asked if I have a boyfriend, saying my daughter keeps talking about ‘Jerome’. Jerome is our roomba.

[Bethsaida 28 AD]

BAKER: Such a huge crowd…I’m gonna sell so many loaves

“Five loaves please”

BAKER: Huh?

“Jesus is here”

BAKER: Sonuva

Nurse: “Have you had any unexplained weight gain this past year?”

Me: “No, there are explanations.”

I don’t actually need a house cleaner, I just need the threat of a house cleaner coming over as motivation