Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“You couldn’t handle me at my worst”

OMG, you mean this isn’t it.

And that’s how the fight started.

Why is lumberjack the only job with some random guy’s name attached? Why aren’t plumbers called, like, toiletdougs? Or crapperjoels?

Batman: my parents died when I was young leaving me alone with my butler Alfred an-

group leader: oh my god it’s Bruce Wayne

Batman: Batman: no no I’m Batwayne, I mean Bruceman

My fingers are still red from the one Hot Cheeto I ate 17 years ago.

Stop asking dumb questions on the internet; ask for money.

I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion and also I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion.

My memoir is titled:

“#2 (not a sequel)”

Watched my neighbor pull off this morning with his coffee on top of his car.

I could have warned him, but I’m out of stuff to watch.

Your fiancé gets kidnapped in a foreign country. You stay out till 2 am searching w authorities but eventually you have to call it and return to your hotel. Do you still do your skincare routine y/n

God created the orgasm so women can moan even when they’re happy.

Waiter: Did we decide?

Date: Yes, I’d like the Sirloin. Medium rare.

Me: And I’d like the Remix to Ignition. Hot & fresh out the kitchen.

Needless to say…*

*mic drop

*Me presenting a life sized cardboard cutout of Keanu Reeves wearing a beret

Architecture Board: That’s not at all what “Neo-French” means…

Would love to see a reality show where they promise the prize will “change contestants lives FOREVER”…and it’s a brain swap with a cow.

You’re not allowed to donate blood if you’ve listened to Kid Rock in the last 6 months.

Welcome to your 40s: here’s your ice pack.

Meghan Trainor songs:
-All About That Bass
-Flounder’s Good Too
-Also I Like Shrimp
-Wait, I’m a Vegan
-All About That Kale

Why ruin a perfectly good shovel when you can just use your leg?

Husband: My mom will be over in 30 minutes.

Me: *immediately starts cleaning the kitchen*

Husband: *immediately starts cleaning the one closet nobody goes in*

I GOT INTO HARVARD!! 😍🥳🥳🥳 they left a first-floor window unlocked and i’m just walking around in here!

Once I started pronouncing baseline like Vaseline things just really fell into place for me.

they really said video games would melt our brains when it was actually watching the news that did it

*Plot Twist*

Your dog loses his mind with excitement when you leave for work instead of when you get home.

Look, if you need a heimlich, just ask me nicely, enough of this flapping your arms and making faces shit.

[3 days into dieting]

*sees ad for burger & fries*

*drowns in his own saliva*

Jeff: i’m pro gun.

Me: i’m anti gun.

Greg: i’m vegan.

Me: i’m pro gun, now. Jeff, give me your gun.

You gotta know when to hold em
Know when to fold em
Know when to walk away
Know when to run

This concludes your parenting course.

no i don’t want to “continue building new friendships in my community” i want to “force all my old friends to move to wherever i happen to be, ideally on adjoining properties” why is that a problem????