Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You can sing along to a good song in my car as long as you don’t take lead vocals. Just accept that you’re a background singer or get out.

I’m no therapist but I’d suggest that the fact that you’ve whined about your ex here every day for a year may be why he left you.

[just meeting a new group of people]
My brain: say something cool and different
Me: HOW YA’LL GOT??
Brain: nice

What kind of bears don’t have teeth? Gummi bears. 😉

I’m in a bad mood right now so I’m hoping to hear some good news about something bad happening to someone I hate.

I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target last night and, long story short I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.

Call me a traditionalist, but I prefer my cranberry in its natural state, in the shape a of a can of dog food.

Him: Are you mad?

Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing

Her: No, I’m fine, why?

It’s nice to feel wanted. Even if it’s by the FBI.

Answering spam calls just to brush up on my pig latin is way more entertaining than I expected.

*at Wal-Mart*

Husband: A couple is fighting on the cereal aisle

Me: It’s not us this time

*we fist bump*

My public school was so bad the only thing I know about Africa is Toto.

this one time I saw a vegas hypnotist who told the audience he was going to turn me into a sad, depressed loser who makes dumb jokes on a dying website for zero money & I was like give it ur best shot, Mezmo the Great

I don’t use dating sites, I meet girls the old fashioned way: never

I spotted a worm on a busy jogging path, and decided that since all life is precious I ought to move the little guy out of the way so he wouldn’t get trampled. The jogger behind me didn’t see me bend over and flew right over my head and face planted. He’s still alive though, so

cop: got any drugs on you

me: nah

cop: how about in your car

me: well i wouldn’t be surprised [looks at car] it’s been acting funny lately

“Excellent choice, sir. And what temperature would you like me to microwave your steak to?” – The Honest Applebees Server

What I was supposed to teach my kid before kindergarten:
1) phonics
2) writing
3) math

What I actually taught her:
1) the dance to Thriller

At the store & asked for 50 condoms. 2 girls behind me started laughing. I turned around & looked them in the eyes and said, “Make it 52”

After years of commercials, I still have no idea what a Go Daddy is

I had the audacity to tell my kid to get their own snack and now I’m standing in the corner thinking about my actions.

Calling a movie “Psycho” ruins the surprise because you know there’s going to be a psycho in it. It should have been called “Normal, Maybe”

My husband makes coffee for me every morning even when we’re fighting. Consider this evidence if I ever die by poison.

One of our insect keepers said she had butterflies in her stomach but she didn’t seem all that nerv-SONOFA!

Emails from your boss assigning you work do not qualify as cyber bullying.

I checked.

How many different animals did we have to jump on the backs of before we discovered horses were cool with it?

Okey dokey.

Sell your car

I’m gonna start selling supplements that make you less healthy. Call them Smiteamins.

DATE: I love playful women

ME: [dusting off an old porcelain doll in my purse & setting it on the table] Oh so you won’t mind that Cynthia joins us then-