Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My walk of shame is spending 10 minutes trying to pronounce something at a Mexican restaurant before giving up and ordering tacos.

you want me to sit in the back seat? the thing that killed JFK?

My circle of trust is a meatball

the way parents struggle with understanding remote work is funny.

me: *comes down to grab some water*

mum: is everything okay, did you take permission?

mil: are they happy with you?

me: 😂😂😂😂 I Dont know guys, leave me alone 😂

Get pissed all you want but if we brought a screaming baby into your workplace you would ask us to leave it outside too.

i started vaping to fit in with my friends, who are mostly steam whistles

I told my doctor I broke my leg in two places. He said I should prolly not go to those places anymore.

You people that disappear on weekends like you have something better to do, you’re not fooling anyone, we all know you’ve doing Community Service.

I wrote out SOS with M&M’s

Five minutes later

I wrote out SO with peanut M&M’s

God’s son died single, but he’ll help you find your match on Christian Mingle.

I’m no doctor but I’m pretty sure this Santa shaped chocolate oughta settle my stomach

*burglar breaks in*
*i reach into my nightstand drawer, get my phone, & take his picture*
Burglar: No I have a double chin!
Me: I’ll post it

Enough with emails already. I’m only conducting business communication by Snapchat from now on.

Never doubt a Woman with an extensive vocabulary.

Cereal. Check.

Milk. Check.

Bread. Check.

Fruit. Check.

Salad. Check.

Wow, the looks I am getting! Guess I could have paid w/ 1 check.

“So you’re a foodie? What’s a foodie?”
“We enjoy eating out and trying new food.”
“So you’re like everyone else, except you brag about it?”

According to my fitness app, I ate 5 miles of Chicken Parm

Rules for a happy marriage:

3. Separate bank accounts

2. Separate data plans

1. Separate bathrooms

I’m not saying I’m a conspiracy theorist, but I swear some of these typos have been planted.

Dude. It’s just a crayon. Don’t do anything drastic.

Kurt Cobain did not die for you to wear his t-shirt to an Imagine Dragons concert

Last year my husband and I both gave each other NyQuil for Christmas. I’m just not sure we are going to be able to top the gift of sleep this year.

How much for the soul sucker?

Sir, that’s a baby

If you had asked me what the hardest part of battling a global pandemic would be I would have never guessed, “teaching elementary school math.”

So last night I had a dream that the guy I’m crushing on was in my house. We napped in separate recliners. Seriously. That was the whole dream. We napped, fully clothed, in separate recliners.
The weirdest part? I walked him out when we were done.
Napping. In separate recliners

Apparently telling the kids that you’re not in the mood for their shit does not improve their behavior, but it does teach your toddler how to say shit.

Am not being sponsored to say this but if you’re tired of straining your pasta by pouring it on to your cupped hands and waiting until the boiling water seeps through, try “colanders”. I’ve just switched to colanders and they’ve made cooking pasta a much less painful experience👍

How bad is it for Prince Andrew? Under today’s Royal Decree he’s banned from eating Burger King, Dairy Queen or Duke’s Mayo.

Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can’t even get into my own pants.

My white girl power is ability to never putting more than $20 worth of gas in at a time.