Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

math teacher: you currently have a 55% in this class and you need at least 60% to pass

me: is there anything i can do to raise my grade?

math teacher: if you do this one assignment, i’ll give you 10% extra credit

me:

math teacher:

me: i don’t- is that going to be enough

I had no idea so much of my married life was going to be spent listening to my husband complain about the price of gas, yet here we are.

I was jogging at night once in jeans when I caught up to an old guy at the corner. He was so startled he handed me his wallet. I didn’t want to waste all his fear so I politely took it.

i’m gonna go out on a limb here and say that omg this branch definitely can’t hold my weight and yep i’m going down

Both hands Mommy!

-my 4yo the backseat driver.

*gets a full 8 hours of sleep*

Me: That’s suspicious

For sale: Shrimpless rice. Never fried.

guy: you wanna take this outside?

me: yeah, let’s do this

[we take the raspberry lemonade out back and have a simply lovely afternoon]

fred flinstone (my landlord): the rent is due
me: say it
fred: pls no
me: i’m not paying
fred: *sighs* the rent is yabba dabba due
me: haha

Me: I’m going for a walk

Wife: Huh! I thought you were going to make fried rice?

Me: Yes, but you said to cook that right, I’ll need to use a walk

The voices in my head have been quiet for a while. They probably broke something.

do the spectators at golf tournaments know they don’t have to be there

Oh.
You have a boyfriend

But…
can he do this…

( flexes flab )

I don’t always sit on a throne of lies, but when I do it’s while searching the cupboards with my child for a snack I know I ate.

The police have asked me to stop sending them cryptic taunting messages until I’ve actually committed a crime

Hello, Gotham Child Services. Oh dear. Both dead? My my. Well, does the child have a Butler that can raise him? Cos it’s a lot of paperwork.

@spacej_me this lady at a bar was flirting with me and telling me AI’s will take my job and i was like no way and she was like oh for sure and I was like listen lady there’s no way AI will take my job, im unemployed and she stopped flirting with me at that point

Do you think Sarah Sanders’ husband calls her “the colonel” when they eat fried chicken in bed?

reasons white people riot:

1. their sports team wins
2. their sports team loses
3. no more tickle me elmos
4. tea
5. pumpkins

Remember back in the day when your TV wouldn’t work so you’d bang it a few times? I tried that with my dishwasher and she ended up pregnant.

don’t talk to me until I’ve had 3 iced coffees & argued with a lady about terriers & threw an iced coffee in her face

I’m 30 and my knees won’t even let me leap down steps to catch a subway. So yes, I think the Die Hard franchise is unrealistic.

Kids: The floor is lava
God: Soon

coworker: What’d you get for Christmas?
me: Drunk
coworker: What did your wife get?
me: Mad

Why don’t we just number the days of the week, like:
Onesday
Twosday
Threesday
Foursday
Fivesday
Sixday
Sevensday

If the majority of twitter’s trending topics are any indication of the state of humanity thus far, we clearly need an asteroid intervention.

I just tried to sneeze quietly and broke everything inside of me.

Gen Z have no idea how easily accessible music is. I once had to jump off a bridge and narrowly avoid a moving truck to hear Bon Jovi play their latest song Its My Life

[reading Harry Potter]

Me: Do you know what’s going on?

3-year-old: He went to lizard school.

I’d correct her, but her version is better.

Are you ok?

– my 6yo watching me put the sheets on her bunk bed.