Dishes are like boyfriends. My roommate should really stop doing mine
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Hey, I may not look like much right now, but believe me, in the morning I’ll look even worse.
Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph
How to have sexy legs:
*Do lots of squats
*Go running 3x a week
*Point a spotlight at your favorite leg
*Shave leg hair into classy leg goatee
*Make sure your legs go all the way up
*You can never have too many toes
*Refrigerate legs when not in use
*Wheels
This intermittent fasting thing would be so much easier if I could just move the clocks ahead so willy nilly every day
Learning how to say “where the hell am I?” in eight languages. Just in case.
If I committed a crime I would simply not leave behind slides with my hair and clothing fibers
If I could travel back in time I’d probably forget why I went as soon as I got there.
I’m at my most ninja when the motion sensor sink don’t work.
“If someone wanted to murder you, a night light wouldn’t stop them”
I will never lie to my future children.
You dance like nobody is watching. I eat like that.
So this is how I learned my work calendar wasn’t private.
I think there is a delicate balance with photo filters. You may want to get rid of your wrinkles but you don’t want to blur out your nose.
[teaching son to swim]
Me: get this wrong & you die
Inventor of balloons: You know what this party needs? Rubber balls filled with my breath
Ladies, how often do you exfoliate? I do weekly then a soothing serum and now that the boys aren’t reading anymore, are we still doing that thing where we say no holiday gifts, then act disappointed. lol I can’t stop laughing ok be cool be cool. And finish up with a night cream
Dracula had it right, sleep all day, live alone in a castle & explode into a thousand bats to get out of social situations.
♫ Hey there Delilah, this is dispatch please come quickly
There’s a robbery in progress
Suspect is white & in his 50s
And high on gluuue ♫
It’s so weird to call it the “mall”. In Scotland we are very creative, we call one store a “shop” and many stores “the shops”.
Why would Sally sell seashells by the seashore? There are plenty there that are free. Just walk and you are bound to find at least 40. Idiot
Wife: don’t forget to pick the kids up from school
Me: it’s Saturday, they’re both upstairs
Wife: it’s Wednesday & we have 3 kids
Wife: I left the kids with you for a half hour & they dumped 3 pounds of sugar in the dryer trying to make cotton candy.
Me: Did it work?
I would marry Christopher Walken just so I could listen to him talk and regret it three months in.
Like an alarm clock but it’s your toddler standing next to your bed with a mascara wand whispering “I make you beautiful”.
We went to Sam’s today to stock up on essentials. When the cashier said, “That’ll be $301.42.” My son whispered, “Jesus, Mary, and Joseph.”
And that’s when I knew all that Catholic school was paying off.
him: i like athletic girls
me [dips oreo in milk]: check out this sweet dunk
him: not like that
My wife just caught me naked FaceTiming someone so can one of you pretend to be a TeleMed urologist?
Listen if vampires don’t age or whatever then why aren’t there any films about vampires set in a future where we all live in space??? Space Vampires?! Do I have to do everything around here
[sharing a cold one with the guys]
“It’s my turn to hold the penguin now”
Hair Dresser: You could get extensions to add length.
Me: You could stop cutting.