Dishes are like boyfriends. My roommate should really stop doing mine
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If Taylor Swift had a love affair with Adele and they broke up, there would be a tsunami or extinction or some shit
When I die, my only wish is for my corpse to be respectfully catapulted onto a whitewater raft of people going down the Colorado river
I’ve decided to become a Disney princess*
*pretend a witch cursed me and stay in bed all day
My brother never donates blood because he hates the thought that his blood is having more fun in somebody else than it ever did in him.
Me: Happy Easter!
Taylor Swift: I hate Easter! It’s all a lie!
Me: The Jesus thing?
Taylor Swift: Ya… Men don’t come back after 3 Days!
I have this theory that if I use cash money to pay for food I’m not actually spending my money because it doesn’t decrease the number in my bank account.. I realize that this is inaccurate, but I will continue to think this way so that I feel better about my poor life decisions
ME: [riding a horse on a carousel] weeeeee!
AIRLINE SECURITY: [into radio] god dammit, he’s back and he brought a horse with him this time
*goes to grocery store
*puts “gently used” sticker on all their cucumbers
Hey I got your text but then I died, I’ll probably like resurrect when we accidentally run into each other though
Password security questions be like: What’s your middle name? Why are you single? What’s wrong with your big toe?
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
“That’ll be $19.94.”
*pulls out $50 bill*
“Sorry, we’ve had a problem with counterfeit bills. Have anything smaller?”
*pulls out $25 bill*
I think I’m a genius…. I just solved a rubiks cube so fast!
It only took me 5 minutes and 25 seconds to peel off all the stickers.
Probably the sport I’m best at is screaming.
there are only 2 kinds of mayors: the kind you hate for ruining your city and your job and your life. and dogs
valentines day should involve piñatas so single people can vent and still get candy lmao
I’m really good at compromising as long as I get my way.
My wife called me from her job at the Velcro factory.
She’s stuck at work again.
Thrilled I bought a 55″ screen so I can listen to it while I stare at a 4″ screen.
My entire life is like that scene when Edward Scissorhands discovers a waterbed
Why do buses and trains cost money, like you’re going that way anyway give us a lift g
Take my daughter once, shame on you. Take her twice, shame on me. Take her 3 times, and you’re ruining the franchise.
Converstion would go :-
Tourist: G’day, can you tell me which way is Bondi Beach
Airport employee: Certainly. Its that way (points in a SE direction)
Tourist: Is it walkable distance?
Aiport employee: Not really
Tourist: Why!!?!?!
Airport employee: You’re in Austria
Ah, I see my old arch nemesis, the bottom of the bottle, has arrived.
Some guy tried to cut me off in traffic and I screamed, “I’m wearing a sports bra to a business meeting, I am afraid of nothing!”
My wife got this cool remote start thing that starts the car when cold, turns up the heat, fills it with gas
It’s me, I’m the remote start.
[interview for fireman]
“So why do you think you’re a good fireman?”
I lit the building on fire
“What?”
Now watch as I try to put it out
It’s weird when the label on a jar of food boldly declares something you thought was a minimum requirement: NOW WITH LESS SAWDUST
*grammar police reads ransom note*
“Bring the money hear in too days, or she dead”
*grammar cop dies*
“Damn, he had 2 days until retirement”