Dishonest mechanic?
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Tarantino’s Star Trek is 100% going to feature a planet where white people have to say the N-word to survive
When I die if anyone is all like, ‘She was so full of life,’ just know that it was mostly cheese that I was full of
wife: you can’t wear those to a funeral.
me: you’re right…*takes off hulk hands*
wife: that’s better.
me: *puts on formal hulk hands*
I once dated a girl so my pet rock wouldn’t be embarrassed after he threw himself at her window.
spiders in your apartment after the landlord paints over them
Those traps inside ancient temples still work after thousands of years but you sit on your ear buds ONE time…
me: they’re all so cute but i don’t know if i can take one away from its mother and siblings
pumpkin patch employee: ok
ME: Off to the concert with my friends
WIFE: Say hi to everyone for me[later]
ME [individually saying hi to 10,000 ppl] This is exhausting
No LinkedIn, I am not “open to work,” I am required to work
“I’m single and ready to mingle”..oh god, is this why I’m still single, cuz I say shit like that?
you should be able to donate somebody else’s body to science
I am not a parody account. I am The Lord thy God, King of the Universe, and I am communicating by Twitter because My fax is broken.
being an adult is just complaining how tired you are and then staying up till 3am reading r/aita
Motherhood is like being a fireman putting out fires but everyone is shouting out how you’re doing it wrong and criticizing your sweatpants.
7: MOMMY!
Me: *flys out of bed* What’s wrong?
7: I don’t know what time it is
Me: It’s the middle of the night
7: Then why are you awake?
Sorry I can’t come to your party, I already made other plans after you invited me.
Why’s it called landing a husband? Are single men floating just above me like airplanes, and does getting engaged require an air traffic control certification
Me: I had a nightmare that someone broke into our house and tried to steal our kids
Husband: What’s the nightmare part?
What wine goes well with two ungrateful teenagers, an oppressive boss and insurmountable credit card debt?
Parenthood is so weird. I don’t know why I say thank you to my 3yo every time she gives me her booger.
Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite fi
I had the car up on the jack loosening the lug nuts, neighbor says you’re going to kill yourself here let me show you, and that’s how you get someone to change a tire for you.
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: GPS is down. Using a refrigerator magnet as a compass. I think it’s just pointing to another refrigerator.
I hate when my kids and I can’t agree on where we are going for Sunday breakfast, but I love that we all agree I’m not making it.
There are only two stories: A man goes on a journey and is sacrificed by spooky children to the corn god, or a stranger comes to town and is sacrificed by spooky children to the corn god.
ME: *posing nude for a painter*
GUY PAINTING MY HOUSE: please sir…I have a family.
A Lunch Poem:
Some people buy theirs in local food shops,
While others eat donuts (especially cops).Some jerks heat fish that they bring in a bag,
And stink up the kitchen, making me gag.Me? I’ll check the fridge on a hunch
That Glenn from Accounting brought a good lunch.
[ interview at a 24 hour diner ]
boss: can you cook nights
a dragon: yes
I don’t draw my eyebrows on because I can’t commit to one facial expression. What if I see a puppy? What if my house burns down?