dishonorable discharge? you mean a yeast infection
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If you send me game requests on Facebook I’ll visit an adult bookstore and tag you as being with me.
My midwife just sat me down and gently broke the news that I am simply plump and she has no reason to be here.
I will never give another woman my heart until I see how she acts when a bee flies at her.
One good thing about having kids is that they are sick every time I get invited to something I don’t want to do.
Like Carrie at the prom but it’s just me after a spaghetti dinner and too much red wine.
the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care most about
batman [through gritted teeth]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what
All I want for Christmas is a survivalist training course so I can finally move to the woods, go off the grid, and not participate in society anymore until the government hunts me down and begs me to help them with a matter of national security, which I refuse.
everyone i ever dated is impressed when i namedrop foreign authors but never bothers to check if they’re just ikea product names (they are)
I’ve just had to let my trousers out.
They wanted to go for a walk and I couldn’t be bothered.
Me: my dog Ruffles can talk – what’s the outside of a tree?
Ruffles: bark!
Me: a word to describe shouting an order?
Ruffles: bark!
Friend: he’s just woofing
Ruffles: I said bark not woof, you idiot
I am officially off the market😂😂😂😂😂
My grandpa purposefully takes his hearing aids out so he can’t hear my kids. I don’t blame him. I’m jealous of him.
Me: What did you do at school today?
4yo: Nothing
M: You must have done something.
4: I don’t remember.
[Bedtime]
M: Goodnight.
4: Wait.
*Spends the next two hours telling me about his day in excruciating detail followed by a philisophical Q&A session*
me, alone: [reads a book in my head intelligently]
me, with people: [reads a book out loud like a 5 yo just learning to read]
Nepobaby? Why, yes, I am, my father was Prom and Homecoming King in a town of 300, I can still get a discount at the local Ace Hardware if Steve is working.
mugger: your money or your life
me: oh you pick
Hypothesis, hypotenuse and hippopotamus are the same words
Stay woke, sheeples
Guy: Are you pregnant?
Me: No, I’m a Ninja Turtle with my shell on BACKWARDS.
Guy: …..
Me: Cowabunga, douche!
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
“He is woke.” – Millenial Easter
*about to die*
Me: AAAAAAHHHH!!
*life flashes before my eyes*
Me: Oh, right.
[after a vasectomy] do i get the cone
DENTIST: let’s get started, shall we? *places drill on tray*
ME: um
D: *places giant needle on tray*
ME: uhhhhh
D: *places handgun on tray*
being in a hamock is so comfortabel bc it replicates our condition before birth: being caried to earth inside the beak of a giant pelican
Listening to my husband’s gorilla snoring and contemplating if I could record it and sell to the FBI as an alternative to waterboarding.
Girl likes ‘boys with accents <333’ on Facebook. I charge at her. “HELLOUGH!! I AM HELMUT, FROM RUSSIA. I WORK AS STRANGLER AT MEAT FACTORY”
[getting out of prison after 10 years]
GUARD: *handing me a paper bag* here are ur things
ME: did none of u monsters feed my tamagotchi
Pretty telling how high and mighty my mother has become since she no longer needs help setting the VCR clock.
I grew up living paycheck to paycheck , but through hard work and perseverance i now live direct deposit to direct deposit.