dishonorable discharge? you mean a yeast infection
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Sometimes I wonder what ever happened to people who asked me for directions.
Me: let’s take those jeans!
Her: idk, that’s stealing
Me: *stuffing the jeans into my backpack* we’ll just walk out with them… no one will notice
Arby’s patron whose jeans I just pulled off: I’ve already noticed
Who called it a vasectomy and not a cull de sack?
I have my hesitations about Paradise City if the first thing you brag about is the color of the grass.
My baby is now a toddler. Everything up is now down. On the floor. She’s trashing the place.
Upset that roe vs wade has nothing to do with how you navigate a lake.
Toddlers LOVE to help. Then they get older and are actually able to help… Which is when they start to roll their eyes and complain.
Teaching my kid math like:
If swimming lessons start in 3 minutes and the pool is 10 minutes away, how late are we going to be?
*bangs toe*
*never calls toe again*
My Medical Emergency Contact is a girl from college who promised she’d pluck any stray hairs off my face if I slipped into a coma.
My ex sexually identifies with Ramen noodles, he’s done in 3 minutes
Twitter is the new Circuit City grift 🤣
brain: wake up
me: it’s 1:15 am
brain: pick up your phone
me: fine just for a minute
brain: lmao ok
The early bird gets the worm but the early worm gets eaten, so… I choose sleep.
I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now
“Sir… your family is dead. APRIL FOOLS!!!! Kidding!!! Your son made it! He’s in a coma! OMG You shoulda seen your face!”
– Worst ER doc
Fitness app: how much do you want to lose each week? 0.5 lbs? 1 lb? 2 lbs?
Me: Um, obviously 2
FA: this is how much you can eat.
Me: ok try 1
FA: sure, here is your calorie ration.
Me:
FA:
Me: ok let’s say I wanted to gain 3 lbs.
FA: here you go!
Me: That’s it?
The exchange I heard between my 4 year old and my husband when an ad popped up on her tablet. 4 yo: Can I have this? Husband: No, you can’t have an online Bachelor’s Degree in Nursing
If I ever go missing, just follow my kids. They can find me no matter where I try to hide!
“I now pronounce you lunch and dinner.”
Michael Myers taught me to never let shit slide, even if it’s been years😌
My little boy told me he wants to pass out hand sanitizers for Valentine’s Day bc he’s sick of everyone’s germs.
“I wanna be your friend, but please clean your hands first.”
Nobody likes a complainer but they’re needed for a functioning society. You know how humanity gets compared to frogs in boiling water and everything is getting bad so gradually we won’t even notice? Not if I’m around
Welcome to your forties! You’re gonna need several doctors, no matter how many apples
Welcome to parenting. Here is your collection of markers that have run out of ink, which you will inexplicably hold onto for a minimum of 2 years.
“Hey can I do it?”
Anaesthetist: sure, knock yourself out
[in living room]
Daughter: This show SUCKS
Son: YOU suck
Wife: Ok, that’s ENOUGH
Me: WHERE IS THE TV REMOTE
Realtor: *clears throat*
Me: Feels like home…we’ll take it
You know you’re hung over when people recognize you but they think you’re E.T.
[principal’s office]
“Your child’s previous school indicates you’re a bit of a helicopter parent.”
Velociraptor: That’s got to be a typo.
You know you’re married if you’ve ever taken a picture of an empty grocery store shelf just to prove you tried.