dishonorable discharge? you mean a yeast infection
You Might Also Like
Popeye teaches us that the best reason to eat healthy is revenge. #CartoonLifeLessons
been making the same muffin recipe forever and tonight I finally remembered it by heart. I can’t express how good it felt to know exactly what to do and how disgusting they tasted because I forgot the eggs.
Modeled nude for an art class today at my local college. They didn’t ask, I just felt like it.
My phone corrects “haha” to “hahaha”, so all my friends think they’re 50% funnier than they actually are.
I’d never go on a dating website.
I believe in meeting guys the old fashioned way, hitchhiking.
[Dog Court]
Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury: We find the defendant, not a good boy.*dogs family in courtroom begins to cry*
Guy jogging pushing stroller for two kids. But only one there. Don’t think he knows he lost one.
Who would of thunk it folks, having a mask, rubber gloves, bleach and hand sanitizer is now acceptable to have in your vehicle.
Me at 15: I can’t wait to have an apartment and cook myself nice dinners every night 🙂
Me now: today I put a strawberry poptart in between 2 brown sugar cinnamon poptarts; I call it ‘The Berry Delight’ and it is bad
Being a little bit crazy is like being a little bit pregnant – you can only hide it for so long.
I hate when I’m on the treadmill and my hand accidentally hits the stop button & I have to get off and eat a bacon grilled cheese sandwich.
Jehovah’s witnesses are at my door.
*Lights black candles, dons flowing dress, opens door, and says seductively, “Are you the keymaster?”*
Give a man a fish, he’ll eat for a day.
Teach a man to fish, he’ll contribute to the global overdepletion of the ocean.
So give him a salad, maybe.
Friend: OMG, someone wrote “Wash Me B*tch!” on your car!
Me: Oh, I wrote that as a reminder to myself.
7 A.M.: I will only eat the wholesome low-calorie whole grain cereal with skim milk.
MIDNIGHT: Where are the chocolates? I must have more chocolates!
70 percent of marriage after having kids is trying to keep the spark alive, even though that spark might want to sign a DNR.
I just imagined what it would be like to cut eyeholes in a slice of provolone cheese and wear it like a mask. So yeah I’m fine.
“Plane” kicks off a series of movies named by little boys pointing at things. Watch out for “Truck” in 2024 and “Doggie” in 2025.
Me: sometimes I worry that people think I’m texting during a meeting when I take notes on my phone
My dad: I think people know I’m taking notes because I have a notepad and a pen
In a coffee shop ask the person next to you to watch your laptop, but don’t leave. Put on netflix and binge spongebob with your new pal.
I don’t bring my relationship to the social media. I keep it a secret. Even the person I’m dating doesn’t know about my relationship
My 8yo was playing science lab, spilled some concoction on the floor, and made a sign saying “caution: wet floor” instead of wiping it up, parenting is friggin’ ridiculous
I want you to rub my belly but I’m going to roll over juuust out of reach
– my dog begging
[first day on a new job]
Me: I’ll admit. I’m a workaholic. I tend to bring my work home with me.
Zoo keeper: Put down the penguin.
he’s mad at me cause i keep replying “🧯” to every girl that comments “🔥” on his pictures
Engraved on my tombstone:
No matter how the ground shakes
or what you hear,
please do not dig me up.Especially at night.
So, when we talk about history repeating itself are we talking just fashion trends or can I start prepping for a pet dinosaur ?
Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about two kids who break into an old lady’s house, steal her stuff, and murder her.
[first person to see an ostrich]
Check out that chicken horse.
10 y/o daughter and friend had a sleep over and after I told them a story and turned off the lights, I heard her friend say, “your Dad is pretty cool and funny.”
10: OMG, do NOT let him hear you say that, it will get to his head.