dishonorable discharge? you mean a yeast infection
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My wife and I just finished an intense 6-month mediation to pick the movie we’re going to fall asleep 10 minutes into.
12 was not amused when I made the comment of how good ‘we’ did on candy tonight
Waiter: Fresh pepper, sir?
Me: Yes, please.
Pepper: Honey, I’m as single as a dollar and I’m not lookin’ for change.
Roman: Any last words?
Jesus: I’ll be back.
In 2004 I took one bite of a Nature Valley granola bar in my car, and I’m still finding crumbs today.
My kid: I’m hungry.
Me: Want some challah?
Kid: Yes! Make sure I get some of the golden part on top.
My brain: Don’t say it…
Me: The crust?
Kid: What?? That’s crust?? I don’t want that.*repeat daily in various scenarios*
DATE: So it says on your profile that you’re a contractor.
ME: I’m.
HER: Check please!
HER: Let’s do some role playing
ME: Okay, be ur sister
HER: I was thinking a sexy profession..
ME: Oh okay. What’s ur sister do for work?
I was raised in an apocalyptic cult but not the cool kind with orgies or human sacrifice. No, I couldn’t be so lucky. This one just had math equations to solve and scores of pamphlets to read.
No, no, no, you don’t have to engage in a long explanation of why you’re single. We’ve spent five minutes together, I think I’ve got it.
Boss I didn’t win Powerball please ignore previous text. I WILL be in today & everybody should NOT get fucked
Cute guy: Can I pet your dog?
Me: (several blocks later) I have soft hair too. 🙁
Left at a local drug store…
not seeing the problem
I’m at the point in my marriage where I can’t tell if my husband is reaching towards my face to caress it or to remove crumbs from the side of my mouth.
[Me, a famous art thief]
Art Garfunkel: Please put me down
[6 AM]
Child: [crying]
Me: WHAT’S WRONG?
Child: My stomach hurts so badly.
Me: Okay you can stay home.[morning bus drives by]
Child: What’s for breakfast?
I have discovered there is no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess that means it’s not worth trying hash browns.
talking isn’t enough. i need the therapist to backhand me
My son doesn’t always throw up, but when he does, he’s already in bed.
I feel the need, the need for tweed.
– Professors at Top Gun
Satan cannot be everywhere,
So Relatives were created..
toddler: How do you spell “Elmo”?
me: “E”
toddler: “E” like “elephant”
me: Very good! “L”
toddler: “L” like “elephant”
me:
toddler:
me: “M”
toddler: “M” like “elephant”
me: Shit
toddler: “Shit” like “elephant”
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
HORROR STORY- U are the only one alive in a post apocalyptic world. U tweet and it gets retweeted!
Today has been approved by both my middle fingers.
My daughter had two Barbies arguing and now one of them is getting a haircut, so I think we all know who won that argument.
[zoo]
GUIDE: i told you not to feed the monkeys
ME: it’s a cigar
Last night, my daughter asked, “Mommy, why was Daddy the only guy who dated you, if you’re so cute?”
“Oh, well,” I replied, “there used to be plenty of guys who were interested in me.”
“Yeah, but not anymore!”
“Dude, this is so awesome, I can use my $300 smart phone as a flashlight”.
– Why we’ll be speaking Chinese in 50 years.